google translate tried to teach me to say it

so i'm making some kind of asian inspired braised short ribs.  my short ribs, however, are boneless because i don't eat meat on the bone.  ever.  ask anyone.  i had to make a lot of strange substitutions for what would usually be in the braising juices and sauces, but whatevs. i did it.  so here's my recipe for braised short ribs over rice.  yields 6 servings, cook time + prep time ~3.5 hours, ~2.4 carbs per serving

ingredients

1 head cauliflower - shredded with a cheese grater
4 tbsp almond butter
1 can sugar free orange soda
10 tbsp chili puree
2 lb sliced boneless short ribs
1 tsp beef base
5 cloves garlic - 3 chopped, 2 minced
1 tbsp splenda brown sugar blend
2 cup low sodium soy sauce
0.75 cup rice wine vinegar - sugar free and low sodium
2 inches peeled sliced ginger
2 cups water
0.25 cups sesame oil
one bundle green onions, sliced
4 thin stalks lemon grass crushed and broken into large pieces
2 tbsp butter

• preheat oven to 350F.
• mix 4 tbsp chili, 1.5 cup soy sauce, 3 cloves of garlic, ginger, lemongrass, 1.5 cups soda, the white part of the sliced onions, 0.5 cup vinegar, 2 tbsp brown sugar, beef base in dutch oven.  add beef.  top with water until beef is covered.  put lid on dutch oven and put it in the oven for ~2.5 - 3 hours until beef is hella tender.  yah i said it.  hella.  i'm using orange soda here.  i don't know.  i needed some citrus and i was walking up and down the drink isle and yah.  i chose orange soda.  
• while the beef is cooking you can make the "rice."  cauliflower rice is super easy.  grated with a cheese grater it sort of looks like rice.  in a medium sized pan over medium, heat butter and add cauliflower.  stir it frequently until it starts to get a bit golden and is soft enough that you want it eat it.  put aside.
• after beef is tender remove just beef carefully from dutch oven and put it aside.  use a fine sieve to remove all the chunks from the from the beefy sauce and discard.  make sure there's not any precious beef in there or you will be sad.  add the rest of the ingredients to the dutch oven as well as the chunk-free beef sauce and over high heat on the stove reduce sauce down until there's just enough to coat the beef.  stir constantly, or else it will stick to the bottom of the pan.  it will be like a thick syrup when done. taste it.  you might need to add pepper or something.  you probably won't.  serve it over a scoop of "rice"

this recipe was so crazy out of the box for me.  and boyfriend and i *loved* it.  so fantastic.  full of sweet and spicy, creamy flavors and really really really tender.  there is absolutely no way you could possibly tell this was low carb.  

i guess you could call it spaghetti & meatballs. i wouldn't, but you could.

i had a super craving for spaghetti & meatballs, but i discovered one cup of tomatoes has a lot of dang carbs, so i sort of adapted the recipe.  i also couldn't get any grass fed beef, so the meats are strange.  anyway, it was delicious.  so here it is, spaghetti squash with spicy pork&bison meat balls in a gorgonzola-sage cream sauce.  cook time + prep time ~1.5 hr, yields 8 servings, 5.4 net carbs per serving

ingredients:

2 cups heavy cream
0.5 cups gorgonzola cheese - crumbled
0.5 cups parmesan cheese - shredded
1 spaghetti squash
1 lb ground bison (but you can use beef)
1 lb ground spicy italian sausage
1 egg
0.5 cup sliced sage leaves
0.25 cup olive oil

• make the spaghetti squash the way you know best
• preheat oven to 350F
• use your awesome mixer to blend parmesan, meats, egg and olive oil.  form into inch diameter balls and place on an aluminum foil lined cookie sheet.  i didn't add any seasoning, because the sausage is seasoned well enough.
• place meatballs in the oven for ~40 minutes.  toss around after about 20.  they should be crispy on the edges.
• in the last few minutes of cooking the meatballs, pour cream in to pan over medium high heat on the stove.  add sage.  when it begins to bubble add gorgonzola until its completely melted.
• mix sauce well with meatballs and spaghetti squash and serve with fresh cracked pepper

this was so delicious.  i was extra stoked come lunch time to have leftovers.  

this don't taste too good. i'm gonna fry it

i came up with this idea for pumpkin gnocchi and i just knew it was going to be excellent.  i'm such a genius at cooking after all (insert sarcasm here).  i've made gnocchi a few times before and each time its turned out progressively better.  if you're my friend-friend, you were probably around for gnocchi fest 2010, when i made bacon gnocchi with marinara, jalapeno gnocchi with creamy gorgonzola, butternut squash gnocchi with basil pesto.  so with all that ego boosting experience i thought for sure i could make fantastic gnocchi with fake flours.  fail.  
i ended up having to use like six times as much flour as i should have, and the gnocchi were still all weird.  i thought they were the right texture, but i test boiled one, and it was super mushy and falling apart within a minute of being in the water.  i tried to pan fry them in olive oil and butter, but they just all melted into like a big pancake.  so, i decided to deep fry them.  and all was well in the world again.  they weren't then gnocchi, they were like crunchy dough balls that tasted nothing like pumpkin.  whatever, standmixing devirginizing experiences rarely end up as you'd hoped.  cook time plus prep time ~ a million hours, yields eleventy billion servings, not that many carbs per serving even though i had to put all of my remaining almond flour.


ingredients

1 can pumpkin puree
1 egg yolk
0.25 cup shredded grana
no more than 0.25 cup vital wheat gluten
some flaxseed meal
some almond flour -- i say some because you gotta keep adding it in small amounts until the dough is right

• mix all your ingredients in your awesome cuisinart stand mixer (you can see it in the background above)  keep adding flour in small amounts until dough is not dry but doesn't totally stick to your fingers when you touch it
• take a handful of dough and roll it out into a quarter inch in diameter stick.  cut off quarter inch pieces and put aside.
• if you want to, you can shape these with a fork.  you don't have to if you're going to fry them, cause they mostly lose their shape, but  i did.  and it took hours.  see:

• cook them.  i fried in safflower oil over medium high heat and removed when they were browned.  i was pretty grumpy that these didn't turn into my dream gnocchi.  they weren't so bad tho.  i tossed them in my creamy pesto and we still sort of liked them.

let them eat cake!

i passed by a bar on my way home and there was a guy sitting buy the window drinking a porter and i literally drooled.  i miss porter.  all those times i was bein' mean to my guts, i wish i would have taken better advantage of porter.  le sigh.  anyway, here's a recipe for chocolate cake that i totally improvised.  it turned out pretty good actually.  cook time + prep time ~1hr, yields 12 servings, 3.92 carbs per serving

ingredients:

1 cup coconut flour
1 cup hazelnut flour
1 cup almond flour
1 cup granulated splenda
1 tsp baking powder
5 eggs
0.5 cup cocoa powder
2 tbsp vanilla syrup
0.5 cup butter (i used clarified, as you can see) - melted
1 cup diet soda
1 box sugar free butterscotch pudding
2 cup cold heavy cream

• preheat oven to 350F
• when i made this cake on sunday, i hadn't gotten my cuisinart mixer yet.  i had to do everything by hand.  it was horrible.  i'm glad i'll never have to do that again.  anyway, mix flours, splenda, baking powder and cocoa powder.  add eggs, vanilla syrup and melted butter.  at this point i was going to add water to moisten the dough but i read somewhere someone using soda instead of water in some cake, so i added diet root beer, see

• yah so mix it all real well, and put it in a 9inch well greased baking pan.  
• bake for ~20 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.  don't over cook tho. cool. (the cake, cool the cake)
• i wanted to make like a carmel topping for the cake but i couldn't figure out how to make that with the ingredients in my fridge, so i thought i'd do something with this butterscotch pudding i sort of bought on whim.  it said on the box that it had to be mixed with cold milk, so i used cold cream, then i thought i'd heat it with some butter and make something, i don't know.  but as i started whipping the pudding with the cream it got super thick, like a buttercream icing and i was like, "woah, this is super fracking awesome."  and so i iced the cake with it and it was delicious.

it was kinda dense, like brownies.  but nom.  enjoy!

do you ever contemplate stealing other peoples' garlic fries?

boyfriend and i went to go see sucker punch, which is totally awesome, btw, i don't care what all those haters say, and there must have been a garlic fries festival happening downtown or something because it smelled *delicious*.  i was jealous of those fries i could smell and not see and then it came to me.  i could turn those two crazy pumpkin looking thingies on top of my fridge into weird fries!  and i did!  those weird things are called kabocha squash.  i looked them up on my telephone-internet-doo-dad, and found out they have ~6.5g carbs per cup.  i don't know if this is net carbs or total carbs, but i was like whatevs, that's better than regular pumkin and spaghetti squash either way so i'm gettin' it.  i had no idea why, maybe i was on a shoppers high.  they've been sitting on top of the fridge for just over a week now, and i'd been hoping they'd inspire me into something magical, and then there were fries.  so here they are.  i don't know how many carbs.

ingredients

some punkin' squashy type doo dads
olive oil
seasonings (see below)

• preheat oven to 350F
• peel squash.  this sucks, i hurt my fingers.  gut those squash by scoopin out all their seed innards.  cut squash into slices 1/8 - 1/4 inch thick, about 3 inches long.
• toss two cups of sliced squash with two tablespoons of olive oil and your seasoning choices.  i made four different kinds

curry spice:

• 2 tsp curry powder
• 0.5 tsp garlic salt
• 0.5 tsp cayenne pepper

garlic!:

• 5 cloves of garlic minced
• 1 tsp parsley
• 1 tsp garlic salt

cajun:

• 2 tsp cajun seasoning (this one is really complicated)

italian:

• 1 tsp italian seasoning
• 1 tsp garlic salt
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 2 tsp dried onion

• after tossed, placed fries on parchment lined cookie sheet and place in the oven
• stir them around after about 15 minutes and turn heat up to 400.  remove from the oven when some of the edges have become golden.  but be careful!  they burn fast, see:

those are the curry and garlic ones.  they were still super delicious.

and there are the cajun and italians.  we went crazy for these dang fake fries.  its actually the first time that i've ever made baked fries and they turned out crispy and delicious.  i think it must have been the parchment paper, which i've never used before.  anyway, well worth hoarding those squashy doo dads

enchiladas are definitely one of the six things i miss about texas

i don't know what the deal is here; people only eat burritos and nachos at mexican food restaurants.  when i tell people i'm making enchiladas, and then give them the enchiladas, they're always like, "oh, i didn't realize that was an enchilada."  whatevs.  i love 'em.  and i was working so hard to make these stupid low carb tortillas but the grocery store has them for cheaper + higher fiber + lower carb.  the kind i am using is just under 3 carbs per tortilla, but you might be able to find a better deal.  they are *really* high in fiber tho.  be warned.  so these are spicy beef and chicken enchiladas with creamy cilantro sauce.  cook time + prep time ~ 1 hr, yields ten enchiladas, 1 carb + tortilla carbs (so 4 total carbs for me)

ingredients

3 cups boneless skinless chicken breasts - cubed
1 lb ground beef
3 cups mexican cheese - if there's too much cheddar, you'll have to add some jack or something to it otherwise it'll break
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
3 serrano - thinly sliced
0.25 cup green chili powder
4 tbsp spicy red chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp garlic salt

• preheat oven to 350F
• break up the beef in pan over medium heat.  add chicken, salt, cumin, and chili powders.  cook until chicken is cooked through and beef is well broken up.  taste it.  you might need more salt or more chili.  put aside to cool.  i put mine in the freezer.  i wanted it to be cold enough that it wasn't going to make the cheese melt.  when sufficiently cooled, add two cups of cheese and mix well.  
• evenly divide amongst tortillas and roll them up like tiny burritos.  the internet has everything.  place them in a 9ishx13ish well greased pan.  put pan aside.
• in another stove top pan over medium high heat, heat cream mixed with cilantro.  when it comes to a simmer add cheese in small increments.  remember the lessons i have learned about cheddar.  if there is too much cheddar, the sauce will break when you put it in the oven, so make sure your cheese is more creamy soft cheeses than cheddar.  when sauce is thick and cheesy, pour it all over the enchiladas and put them in the oven for ~20 minutes until bubble and golden in some parts

man o man these were so delicious.  we had leftovers for the next couple days and it was still bombtacular.  these are a total win.  try make them with your own modifications

there's no catchup in this pot roast

so this last week i was sick.  like sleep for thirty out of thirty six hours sick.  this means that i was not all up for bloggin' bout foods.  but i'm mostly better now and here's my ketchup.

i made a pot roast last tuesday on mine and boyfriends meat kick.  i made a reduced mushroom sauce like with that lamb roast that one time.  the only carbs in this come from the stupid mushrooms, which also provide me with vitamin d so i can't be too mad at them.  cook time + prep time: ~4.5 hours, yields like 8 servings, so less than a carb per serving

ingredients:

2 cups pearl onions - peeled
4 cups mushrooms
1 cup celery - chopped
4 cloves garlic - chopped
1 tsp beef base
2 lb boneless pot roast
2 tbsp italian seasoning
2 cup red wine
2 tbsp olive oil

• season the meat with the italian seasoning.  in a heavy bottomed pot (i used my awesome cast iron) brown the meat in the olive oil for about thirty seconds on all sides.  put aside.
• put celery, garlic, and onions in pot to deglaze.  if there's not enough oil, add just a bit of the wine so nothing gets burned.  when a little bit golden, add remainder of ingredients, put the roast back in, and turn the stove about as low as it will go, while still maintaining a simmer.  cook for about 4 hours until beef is fork tender.  remove it from the pot and let it rest
• turn heat up to high and boil off liquid so you have a super yummy mushroom gravy for on top of the beef.

end result:

it was pretty good, and really beefy.  because there was beef in it.  i'm not sure you can tell.