almost cheating with strawberry shortcake

bf and i were going to make angel food cake again for this weeks dessert but have you seen the strawberries everywhere?! california has its faults, but being on a hundred mile diet here is incredibly easy.  i love fresh organic amazing produce all of the time.  so it turns out strawberries only have 5 net carbs in a cup which really isn't all that bad.  so i got to thinking about this strawberry shortcake my great grandma would make when i was a little kid.  she didn't make her own shortcake, she bought these mini cakes from the store and just made her own strawberries and cream but i thought i'd one up her so she knows i'm awesome (she's dead).  so here it is, cook time + prep time ~ some amount of time, yields 12 servings, 5.9 carbs per serving

ingredients:

4 cups strawberries - thinly sliced
0.5 cup granulated splenda
1 cup heavy cream
3 cup hazelnut flour
4 tsp baking powder
0.5 tsp cream of tartar
1 egg
1 cup cold butter - sticks quartered then thinly sliced

• make your strawberries first.  put the sliced berries and a quarter cup of the splenda in a bowl with a lid and shake 'em up real well.  then put them to the side and let them make delicious strawberry gravy.  i can't believe this worked.  i thought splenda would for sure let me down here but it didn't.  it kicked fracking ass.
• preheat oven to 350 and lightly grease a muffin tin with at least 12 muffin little indented thingamobbers.
• in your bad ass stand mixer, combine dry ingredients.  then over medium speed add butter small bits at a time.  you're really supposed to be "cutting" in some butter.  but i don't really know if i have the patience for all that, so i just threw it in the mixer.  it worked well, and the butter ended up little pearls in the mix and i feel like it worked just fine.  
• add two-thirds cup cream and egg to the dough, and after it is all well blended, evenly distribute between your twelve little muffin guys.  not the paper muffins, but the metal holders.  why don't you understand what i'm trying to tell you?
• cool for about twenty minutes or until golden on the edges.  let sit for at least an hour.  the longer they sit the easier it will be to handle them to get them out of the muffin guys.
• whip up the remaining cream however you like and serve one cake with a third of a cup of the strawberry junk with a tablespoon of whipped cream.

viola!

they call it pot roast, but i don't feel high at all

i'm supposed to be avoiding animal proteins because of my dang ole kidneys but i felt like i would die if i didn't have beef, so i decided to make pot roast.  also, i'm trying to perfect these mashed "potatoes" and this time i tried with jalapenos and cheddar.  everything turned out great.  cook time + prep time 3hrs, yields six servings, 3.56 net carbs per serving.

ingredients:

8 cups beef broth
2 cups red wine
2 lb beef - cubed chuck stew meat
0.5 yellow onion - chopped
1 tbsp garlic - minced
0.6 cup heavy cream
1 portobello mushroom - thinly sliced
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp oregano
2 tbsp italian seasoning
1 tbsp crushed red pepper
1 tbsp safflower oil
1 stick of salted butter at room temp
1 head cauliflower - chopped
1 cup cheddar cheese - shredded
1 cup pickled jalapenos - strained

• in heavy bottomed stock pot or your totally awesome dutch oven, cook garlic and onion over medium-high heat in safflower oil until translucent.  add mushrooms, beef, all seasonings, worcestershire sauce and stir well.  add broth and red wine, cover and cook for ~2.5 hours.  when the meat is fork tender and the broth has cooked down, add a third of a cup of heavy cream to beef to make a delicious gravy.
• meanwhile make your mashed potatoes.  follow these same instructions, but when you put it all in the food processor/blender, also add the cheddar and jalapenos.  serve hot, with a bit of beef over some potatoes!

the beef was crazy tender and creamy and the "potatoes" were just a hint of spicy and super creamy and cheesy.  its like you wouldn't know that it was jalapeno cheddar unless someone told you.

****i just realized i already have a pot roast post.  this one's better, i promise.****

i'll take the $100 curried fish chowder please

so, since barbados, i've been combining cajun and curry.  they inspired me and its been pretty good.  i've always loved curry, and so every time i've made a curry, i've been seasoning the meat or whatever with different sorts of cajun blends and its worked out pretty radly.  so i went on a tangent yesterday.  i had this idea of shell fish and seafood curried/cajun chowder and went on a shopping spree.  and i was really surprised when i checked out that i had just spent almost a hundred dollars on seafood chowder.  i mean, its gonna feed us for a while, since i made enough to feed an army, but still... anyway, here it is, seafood chowder.  cook time + prep time ~1hr, yields 10 servings, 2.9 carbs per serving

ingredients:

0.5 yellow onion - chopped
1 red bell pepper - finely chopped
2 spicy cajun sausages - well chopped
3 tbsp salted butter
6 cups seafood stock
2 cups heavy cream
2 cups coconut milk - or that stuff i use which is awesomer
1 tbsp ground cumin
2 tbsp yellow curry powder
2 tbsp red curry powder
1 tbsp cayenne pepper
1 tbsp paprika
cajun seasoning for coating fish before cooking
1 cup lump crab meat
4 tilapia filets - chopped
0.25 lb scallops
0.5 lb clams - scrubbed well
0.5 lb mussels - scrubbed well and debearded
0.25 lb jumbo shrimp, peeled and cleaned

• melt butter over medium heat in a large heavy bottomed stock pot.  add onions and sausage and pepper and saute until onion becomes transparant.  add all seasonings and mix well.  heat until seasoning because super aromatic and you're choking on the spice.
• add all your liquids to the pot and turn the heat up to high.  taste your broth and modify the flavors if need be.  we found the stock had enough salt that we needed none.  bring broth to a boil and let it cook down for approximately a half hour.
• add seasoned fish, scallops, shrimp, and crab as well shell fish.  heat until the clams have opened up wide, about 10 minutes.  don't over cook or the shrimp will be super yuck.

in hindsight i wish i would have cooked the broth down a bit more so it was thicker and garnished with some chopped cilantro.  we didn't care tho, it was late on a saturday and it was the most delicious seafood soup i've ever had in my whole life.  worth a hundred bucks?  i don't know...

snapper chu chee - i have no idea what i'm doing

so last week at work i got this fancy idea in my head that i wanted to make a low carb version of a thai dish i really wanted to eat but couldn't because of the stupid dang ole stupid carbs.  so this is fried snapper with a spicy red curry on top.  cook time + prep time ~1.5hr, makes four servings,  ~5.1 net carbs per serving

ingredients:

4 snapper filets - seasoned
2 cup coconut milk, or 2 cup chicken broth and this dried creamed coconut stuff
1 portobello mushroom cap - thinly sliced
1 jalapeno - thinly sliced
5 oz macadamia nuts - ground well
2 tbsp heavy cream
2 eggs
3 tbsp red curry paste
safflower oil for frying

• beat eggs and cream together.  dredge fish in egg then lightly coat in macadamia nuts.  in a large pan over medium high heat fry each fish filet in safflower oil.  be careful, cause its not super well coated, and snapper can fall apart easily.  let the grease dry off on a paper bag or something.  i put mine in the oven at 200 degrees to keep warm while i worked on the sauce.
• in a medium sized sauce pan over medium heat, smash up curry paste in 0.25 cup of coconut milk.  once disolved, and simmering a bit, add mushrooms and jalapenos and stir well.  add remainder of liquid and boil until cooked down to half its original volume.  i guess you could use this time to fry the fish, but i really didn't know what i was doing at the time.  turned out alright tho.

serve a bit of the fish with a bit of the sauce on top.  we served ours on green beans.  it was quite spicy and quite good.

i sometimes think quiche is just a fancy way to say "scramble"

this morning bf was like, "make me breakfast" and i was like le sigh. so i decided to make him breakfast for the entire week.  low carb mini quiches.  cook time + prep time 45minutes, yields 12 servings, 1 carb per quiche.

ingredients:

1 cup heavy cream
8 eggs
1 cup cheese - grated (whatever kind you want, i used gruyere and pesto jack)
0.5lb breakfast sausage - cooked and sliced
0.5lb bacon - cooked and chopped

• preheat oven to 350 and grease a muffin pan with twelve little muffin openings
• scramble eggs in cream until slightly frothy
• evenly distribute meat on the bottom of muffin openings.  then cheese.  then poor egg mixture over the top of each quiche.  i used a measuring cup and just poured a little into each cup until it was all evenly distributed.
• pop the pan in the oven and cook about 20 minutes, or until a bit golden on top.

loaf of meat > loaf of bread

my pal steve and i were waiting in line at mixd greens last week and noticed they had meat loaf on the menu.  and i was all "i'mma make that." and so i did, today.  low carb meat loaf with mock mashed potatoes and mushroom cream gravy.  cook time plus prep time ~1.5 hr, yields 10 servings, 3 net carbs per serving.

ingredients:

loaf:
1lb ground chuck
1lb ground pork
1lb ground sirloin
0.5 cup grated parmesan
2tbsp dehydrated onion
1tbsp dehydrated garlic
1tsp salt
1tbsp crushed red pepper
1tbsp italian seasoning
1 egg
"potatoes":
1 head cauliflower
1 stick of butter at room temperature
0.25 cup heavy cream
gravy:
1 box mushroom broth
1 portobello mushroom cap - chopped
0.75 cup heavy cream

• for meat, preheat oven 350
• mix together all meat ingredients then place in greased 10inch loaf pan
• cook in oven for an hour to 1.25 hours when internal temp has reached 150 and top bit of loaf is golden and awesome
• for "potatoes", chop cauliflower well and boil until soft.  place butter, cream, and drained cauliflower in food processor or blender or whatever and puree until smooth creamy consistency is reached.  they should be sort of thin at this point, if they're not and you're happy with them, then eat them.  if not, as i was not, put them in a large pan over medium heat and stir frequently until they've thickened up a good bit.  add salt and pepper to taste.
• for gravy, bring mushroom broth to a boil with mushrooms over high heat.  reduce broth to a quarter of its original volume then add cream and cook until sorta thickish and delicious.

throw it all on a plate and viola.  there's meat loaf dinner.  i started the meat in the oven then started the cauliflower and the gravy at the same time.  but cook time is all sort of up to you.

crispy chocolate cookies - you know, for putting caramel on

at that store where we got the caramel and chocolate calorie free toppings, they also had marshmallow and i decided that i wanted to make some sort of s'mores, even tho i actually hate marshmallow.  so i actually wasn't that sad when bf returned from the market without the marshmallow and just smothered one of these crispy cookies with caramel.  if you've been on this diet long enough, you realize crispy things are few and far between, so these might become one of my very favorite things in the whole world.  cook time + prep time ~1.25 hours, yields 18 cookies, about one carb per cookie

ingredients:

4 tbsp cream
2 oz unsweetened chocolate - broken up
1 large egg
.5 cup almond flour
.5 cup hazelnut flour
1 tsp baking powder
.125 tsp cream of tartar
pinch salt
1 tsp vanilla
4 tbsp butter
.5 cup granulated splenda

• melt chocolate into cream over double boiler, stirring often.
• remove chocolate from heat and stir in butter.  stir in sugar.  stir in vanilla.  stir in egg, mixing constantly.
• in a separate bowl combine flours, baking powder, cream of tartar, and salt.  slowly mix into the chocolate.
• at this point the mix will be super super greasy.  at least mine was.  i lined a bowl with parchment paper, put my chocolate mixture in that and threw it in the freezer for about 15 minutes until the dough became easy to handle.
• preheat oven to 400.  remove dough from freezer once everything is solidified and work it a little bit to incorporate all the butter.  if its still too soft to work with, just put it back int he freezer for a bit.
• on an aluminum foil lined cookie sheet place small rounds of cookies.  i suppose i could have rolled it out and used a cookie cutter or something.  i probably should have because i have these awesome star shaped ones my friend shandy got me once, but i didn't.  i just made a ball and then flattened the ball out on the cookie sheet.
• cook for 10 minutes.  when you take them out of the oven there will seem to be a pool of butter.  worry not.  all of this will magically disappear within a minute.  the cookies drink butter.  and before you can even get a picture of all the excess butter it will look like this:

the cookies are done when they're a bit firm to the touch.  don't over cook them or they will taste like burning.

i covered mine with caramel because no calorie caramel is my new favorite thing in the whole world.  i'm thinking about stocking up big time before they take if off the shelf because it causes cancer or something.

over stuffed shredded beef & spinach enchiladas, aka aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhh

over the break from blogging, i perfected my shredded beef.  the internet kept trying to tell me to add all this different junk and use all these different meats, but it never worked out.  i'm particular about eating animal and i hate hate hate hate biting into a chunk of fat or tendon or whatever animal is made out of.  and the flavors just never were spot on.  these flavors, i'm about to share with you, are totally spot on.  i also add spinach for just a bit of fiber, and the creamy cilantro is a recipe i stole from a special when i used to work at this mexican restaurant like a full decade ago.  cook time + prep time ~ 3.25 hours, yields 10 enchiladas, about three net carbs per enchilada plus how many carbs are in your tortillas (ours are about 2.5)

ingredients

2 lbs fresh spinach - salt water blanched, well dried, & chopped
1 lb pepper jack cheese - shredded - divided in half
2 lb cubed chuck stew meat
2 cup rum
2 tbsp worcestershire
1.5 cup heavy cream
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
4 tbsp dehydrated onion
2 tbsp dehydrated garlic
2 tbsp cumin
1 tbsp salt
2 tbsp cayenne pepper
4 tbsp high quality chili powder
10 tortillas or whatever
1 tbsp olive oil
water

• the beef is actually super easy, but it just takes forever.  heat the oil in a dutch oven over medium-medium high heat.  add beef and all the try seasonings and worcestershire.  mix it up.  add rum then top with water until beef is all covered.  put a lid on the dutch oven and leave it alone.
• check on meat after two hours.  it should fall apart easily.  if it doesn't, cover it and cook it longer.  otherwise its time for shredding.  there should be some liquid in the pot, but don't worry about it because as the beef starts shredding it will drink up all that liquid.  i use these two wooden thingies, one thats flat and one with teeth like a fork.  it makes shredding really easy.  i'm sure you can find an instructional video.

• add the spinach and mix it well with the beef.  divide the beef mixture into tenths and distribute among the tortillas.  also distribute half the cheese among these tortillas.  roll into a greased 9x13 pan with the open sides facing down.  
• preheat oven to 450.  in the same pot you cooked your beef, over medium heat, cook your cream and cilantro.  i have started using this cilantro that comes in these little frozen pellets you can see in the picture.  its easier than chopping a big bunch if i don't need it to be super fresh tasting.  when cream starts bubbling, add the remaining cheese in small increments mixing well the entire time.  sauce should be thick when all the cheese is added, such that when you run the spoon on the bottom of the pan, you can see the pan for a second.
• pour all that sauce over the enchiladas, paying attention to the corners so they don't dry out.  pop it into the oven for about 20 minutes, or until its golden on top and super bubbly

this is what it should look like when you take it out.  you might think its over cooked, but those chewy bits at the top will be what you and your mate will be fighting over when it comes time to eat.  you'll probably want to eat it right away, but i always let it sit for about fifteen minutes to cool before plating so it doesn't totally fall apart in its hot, delicious wetness.

these enchiladas are so amazing, even a regular sugar eater would be pleased.  lemme know if you try & what you think.

i love curry. that is all.

bf and i just got back from barbados and strangely enough, bajans eat a ton of curry.  they take that "west indies" misnomer incredibly seriously and the curry is delicious.  instead of ginger and cilantro they add like marjoram and thyme.  its pretty interesting, actually.  i'll try to make that one day, not today tho.  this is just hella creamy curry over crispy fried mahi-mahi, also a bajan staple.  (can you tell we miss them?)  prep time + cook time ~1hour, yields ~10 servings, 2.98 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

for curry:
1 medium onion - chopped
1 tbsp ginger - minced
2 tbsp garlic - minced
2 serrano peppers - thinly sliced
1 bunch cilantro - finely chopped
2 cups heavy cream
3 tbsp clarified butter
0.5 cup coconut milk
1 cup tomatoes - outside only, not the starchy inside part - chopped
0.5 cup chicken broth
1 tbsp worcestershire sauce
1 tsp cumin
1.5 tsp salt
1 tsp paprika
3 tbsp good curry powder
for fish:
1.5 lbs mahi-mahi - seasoned and cubed
2 eggs - beaten
6 oz macadamia nuts finely chopped
0.5 cup almond meal
0.5 cup safflower oil

• take care care of the fish first.  i seasoned mine with cajun seasoning.  it added a sorta nice spice that i thought would remind me of barbados.  mix together the almond meal and macadamia nuts.  coat the fish first in the eggs then in the nut mixture, like you would anything you were frying.  fry fish in small batches over medium heat in safflower oil.  listen. safflower oil is awesome.  read all about it.  not only does it have a high smoke point, but it offers outrageous health benefits to obese and diabetic peeps.  its a much better choice over traditional soy and corn oils.  it can be expensive but i think the benefits are well worth it.  put the fish aside and let dry.  should look about like this

• in a medium pan over medium-high temperature, heat the clarified butter.  when it starts to melt, add onions, ginger, garlic, and peppers and heat until onions start to turn golden.
• add all of the seasonings and mix well.  heat for ~3 minutes or until very aromatic.  add the tomatoes.  if you see in the picture above i used these boxed italian tomatoes that i got from our organic market.  there's only four net carbs in a cup of these guys because they only use the outside portion of roma tomatoes.  this disposes of all the inside starchy part so they're not so bad for you sugar wise.  add worcestershire.  simmer it all for about five minutes.
• add your liquids.  my recipe actually used different proportions than i recommend in the ingredients because of the coconut that i use.  if you see in the picture its actually not a can of the liquid stuff, but pressed and dried some in a box.  you mix it with a bit of water and it becomes coconut milk.  its not only more economically sound, but its slightly higher in protein and lower in net carbs than the canned stuff.  i mix a third a cup of that with one cup of chicken broth and it makes a wonderfully creamy, flavorful, magical thing.  simmer all this for about 15 minutes then add the cilantro and remove from heat.

serve a bit of curry over some of the fish bits.  its quite nom.  seriously, this curry recipe can't be beat.  its creamy and delicious and spicy.  we loved it, sorta reminded us of vacation.  i hope you enjoy it too.

google translate tried to teach me to say it

so i'm making some kind of asian inspired braised short ribs.  my short ribs, however, are boneless because i don't eat meat on the bone.  ever.  ask anyone.  i had to make a lot of strange substitutions for what would usually be in the braising juices and sauces, but whatevs. i did it.  so here's my recipe for braised short ribs over rice.  yields 6 servings, cook time + prep time ~3.5 hours, ~2.4 carbs per serving

ingredients

1 head cauliflower - shredded with a cheese grater
4 tbsp almond butter
1 can sugar free orange soda
10 tbsp chili puree
2 lb sliced boneless short ribs
1 tsp beef base
5 cloves garlic - 3 chopped, 2 minced
1 tbsp splenda brown sugar blend
2 cup low sodium soy sauce
0.75 cup rice wine vinegar - sugar free and low sodium
2 inches peeled sliced ginger
2 cups water
0.25 cups sesame oil
one bundle green onions, sliced
4 thin stalks lemon grass crushed and broken into large pieces
2 tbsp butter

• preheat oven to 350F.
• mix 4 tbsp chili, 1.5 cup soy sauce, 3 cloves of garlic, ginger, lemongrass, 1.5 cups soda, the white part of the sliced onions, 0.5 cup vinegar, 2 tbsp brown sugar, beef base in dutch oven.  add beef.  top with water until beef is covered.  put lid on dutch oven and put it in the oven for ~2.5 - 3 hours until beef is hella tender.  yah i said it.  hella.  i'm using orange soda here.  i don't know.  i needed some citrus and i was walking up and down the drink isle and yah.  i chose orange soda.  
• while the beef is cooking you can make the "rice."  cauliflower rice is super easy.  grated with a cheese grater it sort of looks like rice.  in a medium sized pan over medium, heat butter and add cauliflower.  stir it frequently until it starts to get a bit golden and is soft enough that you want it eat it.  put aside.
• after beef is tender remove just beef carefully from dutch oven and put it aside.  use a fine sieve to remove all the chunks from the from the beefy sauce and discard.  make sure there's not any precious beef in there or you will be sad.  add the rest of the ingredients to the dutch oven as well as the chunk-free beef sauce and over high heat on the stove reduce sauce down until there's just enough to coat the beef.  stir constantly, or else it will stick to the bottom of the pan.  it will be like a thick syrup when done. taste it.  you might need to add pepper or something.  you probably won't.  serve it over a scoop of "rice"

this recipe was so crazy out of the box for me.  and boyfriend and i *loved* it.  so fantastic.  full of sweet and spicy, creamy flavors and really really really tender.  there is absolutely no way you could possibly tell this was low carb.  

i guess you could call it spaghetti & meatballs. i wouldn't, but you could.

i had a super craving for spaghetti & meatballs, but i discovered one cup of tomatoes has a lot of dang carbs, so i sort of adapted the recipe.  i also couldn't get any grass fed beef, so the meats are strange.  anyway, it was delicious.  so here it is, spaghetti squash with spicy pork&bison meat balls in a gorgonzola-sage cream sauce.  cook time + prep time ~1.5 hr, yields 8 servings, 5.4 net carbs per serving

ingredients:

2 cups heavy cream
0.5 cups gorgonzola cheese - crumbled
0.5 cups parmesan cheese - shredded
1 spaghetti squash
1 lb ground bison (but you can use beef)
1 lb ground spicy italian sausage
1 egg
0.5 cup sliced sage leaves
0.25 cup olive oil

• make the spaghetti squash the way you know best
• preheat oven to 350F
• use your awesome mixer to blend parmesan, meats, egg and olive oil.  form into inch diameter balls and place on an aluminum foil lined cookie sheet.  i didn't add any seasoning, because the sausage is seasoned well enough.
• place meatballs in the oven for ~40 minutes.  toss around after about 20.  they should be crispy on the edges.
• in the last few minutes of cooking the meatballs, pour cream in to pan over medium high heat on the stove.  add sage.  when it begins to bubble add gorgonzola until its completely melted.
• mix sauce well with meatballs and spaghetti squash and serve with fresh cracked pepper

this was so delicious.  i was extra stoked come lunch time to have leftovers.  

this don't taste too good. i'm gonna fry it

i came up with this idea for pumpkin gnocchi and i just knew it was going to be excellent.  i'm such a genius at cooking after all (insert sarcasm here).  i've made gnocchi a few times before and each time its turned out progressively better.  if you're my friend-friend, you were probably around for gnocchi fest 2010, when i made bacon gnocchi with marinara, jalapeno gnocchi with creamy gorgonzola, butternut squash gnocchi with basil pesto.  so with all that ego boosting experience i thought for sure i could make fantastic gnocchi with fake flours.  fail.  
i ended up having to use like six times as much flour as i should have, and the gnocchi were still all weird.  i thought they were the right texture, but i test boiled one, and it was super mushy and falling apart within a minute of being in the water.  i tried to pan fry them in olive oil and butter, but they just all melted into like a big pancake.  so, i decided to deep fry them.  and all was well in the world again.  they weren't then gnocchi, they were like crunchy dough balls that tasted nothing like pumpkin.  whatever, standmixing devirginizing experiences rarely end up as you'd hoped.  cook time plus prep time ~ a million hours, yields eleventy billion servings, not that many carbs per serving even though i had to put all of my remaining almond flour.


ingredients

1 can pumpkin puree
1 egg yolk
0.25 cup shredded grana
no more than 0.25 cup vital wheat gluten
some flaxseed meal
some almond flour -- i say some because you gotta keep adding it in small amounts until the dough is right

• mix all your ingredients in your awesome cuisinart stand mixer (you can see it in the background above)  keep adding flour in small amounts until dough is not dry but doesn't totally stick to your fingers when you touch it
• take a handful of dough and roll it out into a quarter inch in diameter stick.  cut off quarter inch pieces and put aside.
• if you want to, you can shape these with a fork.  you don't have to if you're going to fry them, cause they mostly lose their shape, but  i did.  and it took hours.  see:

• cook them.  i fried in safflower oil over medium high heat and removed when they were browned.  i was pretty grumpy that these didn't turn into my dream gnocchi.  they weren't so bad tho.  i tossed them in my creamy pesto and we still sort of liked them.

let them eat cake!

i passed by a bar on my way home and there was a guy sitting buy the window drinking a porter and i literally drooled.  i miss porter.  all those times i was bein' mean to my guts, i wish i would have taken better advantage of porter.  le sigh.  anyway, here's a recipe for chocolate cake that i totally improvised.  it turned out pretty good actually.  cook time + prep time ~1hr, yields 12 servings, 3.92 carbs per serving

ingredients:

1 cup coconut flour
1 cup hazelnut flour
1 cup almond flour
1 cup granulated splenda
1 tsp baking powder
5 eggs
0.5 cup cocoa powder
2 tbsp vanilla syrup
0.5 cup butter (i used clarified, as you can see) - melted
1 cup diet soda
1 box sugar free butterscotch pudding
2 cup cold heavy cream

• preheat oven to 350F
• when i made this cake on sunday, i hadn't gotten my cuisinart mixer yet.  i had to do everything by hand.  it was horrible.  i'm glad i'll never have to do that again.  anyway, mix flours, splenda, baking powder and cocoa powder.  add eggs, vanilla syrup and melted butter.  at this point i was going to add water to moisten the dough but i read somewhere someone using soda instead of water in some cake, so i added diet root beer, see

• yah so mix it all real well, and put it in a 9inch well greased baking pan.  
• bake for ~20 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.  don't over cook tho. cool. (the cake, cool the cake)
• i wanted to make like a carmel topping for the cake but i couldn't figure out how to make that with the ingredients in my fridge, so i thought i'd do something with this butterscotch pudding i sort of bought on whim.  it said on the box that it had to be mixed with cold milk, so i used cold cream, then i thought i'd heat it with some butter and make something, i don't know.  but as i started whipping the pudding with the cream it got super thick, like a buttercream icing and i was like, "woah, this is super fracking awesome."  and so i iced the cake with it and it was delicious.

it was kinda dense, like brownies.  but nom.  enjoy!

do you ever contemplate stealing other peoples' garlic fries?

boyfriend and i went to go see sucker punch, which is totally awesome, btw, i don't care what all those haters say, and there must have been a garlic fries festival happening downtown or something because it smelled *delicious*.  i was jealous of those fries i could smell and not see and then it came to me.  i could turn those two crazy pumpkin looking thingies on top of my fridge into weird fries!  and i did!  those weird things are called kabocha squash.  i looked them up on my telephone-internet-doo-dad, and found out they have ~6.5g carbs per cup.  i don't know if this is net carbs or total carbs, but i was like whatevs, that's better than regular pumkin and spaghetti squash either way so i'm gettin' it.  i had no idea why, maybe i was on a shoppers high.  they've been sitting on top of the fridge for just over a week now, and i'd been hoping they'd inspire me into something magical, and then there were fries.  so here they are.  i don't know how many carbs.

ingredients

some punkin' squashy type doo dads
olive oil
seasonings (see below)

• preheat oven to 350F
• peel squash.  this sucks, i hurt my fingers.  gut those squash by scoopin out all their seed innards.  cut squash into slices 1/8 - 1/4 inch thick, about 3 inches long.
• toss two cups of sliced squash with two tablespoons of olive oil and your seasoning choices.  i made four different kinds

curry spice:

• 2 tsp curry powder
• 0.5 tsp garlic salt
• 0.5 tsp cayenne pepper

garlic!:

• 5 cloves of garlic minced
• 1 tsp parsley
• 1 tsp garlic salt

cajun:

• 2 tsp cajun seasoning (this one is really complicated)

italian:

• 1 tsp italian seasoning
• 1 tsp garlic salt
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 2 tsp dried onion

• after tossed, placed fries on parchment lined cookie sheet and place in the oven
• stir them around after about 15 minutes and turn heat up to 400.  remove from the oven when some of the edges have become golden.  but be careful!  they burn fast, see:

those are the curry and garlic ones.  they were still super delicious.

and there are the cajun and italians.  we went crazy for these dang fake fries.  its actually the first time that i've ever made baked fries and they turned out crispy and delicious.  i think it must have been the parchment paper, which i've never used before.  anyway, well worth hoarding those squashy doo dads

enchiladas are definitely one of the six things i miss about texas

i don't know what the deal is here; people only eat burritos and nachos at mexican food restaurants.  when i tell people i'm making enchiladas, and then give them the enchiladas, they're always like, "oh, i didn't realize that was an enchilada."  whatevs.  i love 'em.  and i was working so hard to make these stupid low carb tortillas but the grocery store has them for cheaper + higher fiber + lower carb.  the kind i am using is just under 3 carbs per tortilla, but you might be able to find a better deal.  they are *really* high in fiber tho.  be warned.  so these are spicy beef and chicken enchiladas with creamy cilantro sauce.  cook time + prep time ~ 1 hr, yields ten enchiladas, 1 carb + tortilla carbs (so 4 total carbs for me)

ingredients

3 cups boneless skinless chicken breasts - cubed
1 lb ground beef
3 cups mexican cheese - if there's too much cheddar, you'll have to add some jack or something to it otherwise it'll break
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
3 serrano - thinly sliced
0.25 cup green chili powder
4 tbsp spicy red chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp garlic salt

• preheat oven to 350F
• break up the beef in pan over medium heat.  add chicken, salt, cumin, and chili powders.  cook until chicken is cooked through and beef is well broken up.  taste it.  you might need more salt or more chili.  put aside to cool.  i put mine in the freezer.  i wanted it to be cold enough that it wasn't going to make the cheese melt.  when sufficiently cooled, add two cups of cheese and mix well.  
• evenly divide amongst tortillas and roll them up like tiny burritos.  the internet has everything.  place them in a 9ishx13ish well greased pan.  put pan aside.
• in another stove top pan over medium high heat, heat cream mixed with cilantro.  when it comes to a simmer add cheese in small increments.  remember the lessons i have learned about cheddar.  if there is too much cheddar, the sauce will break when you put it in the oven, so make sure your cheese is more creamy soft cheeses than cheddar.  when sauce is thick and cheesy, pour it all over the enchiladas and put them in the oven for ~20 minutes until bubble and golden in some parts

man o man these were so delicious.  we had leftovers for the next couple days and it was still bombtacular.  these are a total win.  try make them with your own modifications

there's no catchup in this pot roast

so this last week i was sick.  like sleep for thirty out of thirty six hours sick.  this means that i was not all up for bloggin' bout foods.  but i'm mostly better now and here's my ketchup.

i made a pot roast last tuesday on mine and boyfriends meat kick.  i made a reduced mushroom sauce like with that lamb roast that one time.  the only carbs in this come from the stupid mushrooms, which also provide me with vitamin d so i can't be too mad at them.  cook time + prep time: ~4.5 hours, yields like 8 servings, so less than a carb per serving

ingredients:

2 cups pearl onions - peeled
4 cups mushrooms
1 cup celery - chopped
4 cloves garlic - chopped
1 tsp beef base
2 lb boneless pot roast
2 tbsp italian seasoning
2 cup red wine
2 tbsp olive oil

• season the meat with the italian seasoning.  in a heavy bottomed pot (i used my awesome cast iron) brown the meat in the olive oil for about thirty seconds on all sides.  put aside.
• put celery, garlic, and onions in pot to deglaze.  if there's not enough oil, add just a bit of the wine so nothing gets burned.  when a little bit golden, add remainder of ingredients, put the roast back in, and turn the stove about as low as it will go, while still maintaining a simmer.  cook for about 4 hours until beef is fork tender.  remove it from the pot and let it rest
• turn heat up to high and boil off liquid so you have a super yummy mushroom gravy for on top of the beef.

end result:

it was pretty good, and really beefy.  because there was beef in it.  i'm not sure you can tell.

its green and creamy and delicious.

i make a good pesto.  ask anyone, my pesto is bomb-tacular.  its probably all the cheese and the dash of cream i add.  i once went to this restaurant and the pesto was a bit creamy and since then i've always added a little bit of cream to mine and its always been well received.  i thought i would make this pesto later in the week for some delicious something or another or whatever, but the basil leaves that i bought yesterday are already weeping so i decided i'd make it today.  cook time + prep time: 5min, a million servings like five total carbs or something, i don't know

ingredients:

2 cups fresh basil leaves
1.5 cups grated fresh parmesan (not the dry stuff in the shaker PLEASE)
0.5 cups pine nuts
a ton of garlic like 6 cloves, peeled
1.5 cups light flavor olive oil
0.25 cup heavy cream
1 tsp salt
0.5 tsp crushed red pepper

• toast your pine nuts.  i do this sometimes in the oven at 350F with some non stick cooking spray and toss em around until they're a bit golden, but i was too lazy to turn on the oven so i did it in a pan over the stove at about medium heat following the same sort of rules
• put everything but the pine nuts in a blender and mix it all well.  i use light flavor olive oil because sometimes i find with pesto especially if its heated, extra virgin tastes a bit strong.  mix in the pine nuts with a spoon and serve.  i'll prolly toss it with spaghetti squash and chicken breasts or something.

i'm pretty sure angels aren't bakers

i wanted to make some sort of nom nom trifle because i wanted to.  i figured that angel food cake might be easy to turn into a low carb recipe because its mostly egg whites.  so i attempted to make one.  i figured granulated splenda was even lighter than regular sugar so it wouldn't make the eggs collapse.  i do know that almond and hazelnut meal are heavier than normal flour but i thought i'd be okay.
my stupid angel food cake collapsed.  i think its because boyfriend poked it too hard.  anyway, here's the recipe.  cook time + prep time: 1 hour, yields 12 servings, 1 net carb per serving

ingredients

0.5 cup almond flour
0.5 cup hazelnut flour
1.5 cup egg whites
1.5 tsp cream of tartar
1.5 tsp vanilla
1 tsp almond extract
1.5 cup granulated splenda ground up so that its powdered
1 cup granulated splenda regularish

• preheat oven 350F.
• mix flours and powdered splenda very well.  set aside
• whip extracts and tartar into egg whites.  then start whipping your stupid egg whites like a mad person.  i think i would have had more success if i had received my dang Cuisinart stand mixer that still hasn't even shipped yet!  instead, i employed the help of my my boyfriends superior mixing skills.  add the splenda in quarter cup increments and mix until its dissolvedish.  then start whipping it really fast until firm peaks form.  firm peaks, the internet taught me, is when it makes a peak that doesn't droop.  don't over whip though, because something happens to the eggs and they turn into something lame.
• fold in the flour mixture, small parts at a time, very carefully so that the eggs don't fall.
• very carefully spoon whole mixture into ungreased pan.  i think you're supposed to use some sort of bundt pan, but i just used this new loaf pan i bought for making bread.
• cook in oven for ~40 minutes or until it springs back when you touch it.  but don't touch it unless you think its done, because if you poke it too hard you'll break it and then it'll be all flat.
• i read a recipe that said to turn the pan over immediately when it comes out of the oven then leave the pan on until its cool to the touch, then remove the whole shebang from the pan.  so this is what i did.  thats when i realized the cake had fallen.  didn't matter though.  was still totally rad sauce delicious.  so crazy delicious.

boyfriend made some whipped cream and we topped it with some lower carbed berries and it was quite nice.

sorta like nachos. except not at all

boyfriend and i have been straight up desperate for red meat lately.  its nuts; we must be iron deficient or something.  we were sitting around this morning and boyfriend was all, "you should make a pot roast."  and i thought oooooooh beeeeeeeff aaaargggghhhhhhhh.  i used to make this shredded beef for tacos some years and years back.  i sort of perfected my process, but its been a long time, like more than five years since i visited the process.  and then when i was like, "how are we going to eat this?"  and i decided that i'd make some sort of tortilla bread type thing and it would be sorta like nachos.  here it is.  cook time + prep time 4.5 hours, yields 12 servings, 4 grams of net carbs per serving (that's all in the tortilla tho)

ingredients (for meat)

5lbs of boneless chuck roast - well marbled & cubed
5oz vinegar based hot sauce
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
3 serrano peppers - sliced
4 cloves garlic - smashed
4 tbsp worcestershire sauce
1 tsp beef base
2 bay leafs
2 tbsp hot chili powder
1 tbsp steak seasoning
1 tbsp ground cuman
1 cup dry white wine

• bust out your super rad cast iron cored dutch oven  put everything except the cilantro in it over low heat on the stove, mix it up as well as you can.  cover it.  after an hour stir it up some.  after another hour, stir it up some.  after another hour take a cooking fork or something not heat sensitive and hard and mash up all the meat until its all shredded.  add the cilantro and cover it back up.  wait another hour, turn up the heat just a tad remove the lid and cook off excess juices.  then its done!

ingredients (tortilla like bread)

1 cup soy flower

1 cup vital wheat gluten

0.5 cup butter - melted

2 tsp baking soda

2 tsp salt

1 egg

0.5 hot water

4 tbsp safflower oil

• mix up dry ingredients.  add melted butter and mix well until the dough is a little crumbly, then add egg.  mix it up and then add water, but not so much that the dough is sticky
• form the dough into golf ball sized spheres.  mash each one on a flat surface with the palm of your hand so it looks like a circle.  roll each circle out until its like an eighth of an inch thick.
• heat oil over medium heat in a medium sized pan.  cook each "tortilla" for ~3 minutes on each side until golden.  place on paper to drain off excess oil

finished product was this:

this was so fracking good, i can't even tell you.  the beef was so juicy and delicious, you wouldn't believe it.  would be fab on sandwich or salad or whatevs.  sucks that it takes so long to make, but sometimes that happens.

the french do amazing things with stale bread

i made my man french toast with the low carb bread.  you can do it too.

please take note of our new fancy fine china.  we're like totally grown ups now.