almost cheating with strawberry shortcake

bf and i were going to make angel food cake again for this weeks dessert but have you seen the strawberries everywhere?! california has its faults, but being on a hundred mile diet here is incredibly easy.  i love fresh organic amazing produce all of the time.  so it turns out strawberries only have 5 net carbs in a cup which really isn't all that bad.  so i got to thinking about this strawberry shortcake my great grandma would make when i was a little kid.  she didn't make her own shortcake, she bought these mini cakes from the store and just made her own strawberries and cream but i thought i'd one up her so she knows i'm awesome (she's dead).  so here it is, cook time + prep time ~ some amount of time, yields 12 servings, 5.9 carbs per serving

ingredients:

4 cups strawberries - thinly sliced
0.5 cup granulated splenda
1 cup heavy cream
3 cup hazelnut flour
4 tsp baking powder
0.5 tsp cream of tartar
1 egg
1 cup cold butter - sticks quartered then thinly sliced

• make your strawberries first.  put the sliced berries and a quarter cup of the splenda in a bowl with a lid and shake 'em up real well.  then put them to the side and let them make delicious strawberry gravy.  i can't believe this worked.  i thought splenda would for sure let me down here but it didn't.  it kicked fracking ass.
• preheat oven to 350 and lightly grease a muffin tin with at least 12 muffin little indented thingamobbers.
• in your bad ass stand mixer, combine dry ingredients.  then over medium speed add butter small bits at a time.  you're really supposed to be "cutting" in some butter.  but i don't really know if i have the patience for all that, so i just threw it in the mixer.  it worked well, and the butter ended up little pearls in the mix and i feel like it worked just fine.  
• add two-thirds cup cream and egg to the dough, and after it is all well blended, evenly distribute between your twelve little muffin guys.  not the paper muffins, but the metal holders.  why don't you understand what i'm trying to tell you?
• cool for about twenty minutes or until golden on the edges.  let sit for at least an hour.  the longer they sit the easier it will be to handle them to get them out of the muffin guys.
• whip up the remaining cream however you like and serve one cake with a third of a cup of the strawberry junk with a tablespoon of whipped cream.

viola!

seriously, why does chocolate cake even need flour anyway?

while on vacay on a particularly crazy night, bf and i decided to order a piece of flourless chocolate cake that we each took the tiniest bite of all tiny bites, then, overwhelmed with guilt and fear, promptly tossed in the garbage.  first of all, it was horrible.  so not worth the probably 15 carbs that tiny bite was.  it was like a horrible dense fudge.  i vowed at that moment i would make the most delicious low carb flourless chocolate  cake when we returned home.  and i did.  cook time + prep time ~45 minutes, yields 10 servings, 1.3 carbs per serving.

ingredients

4 oz high quality unsweetened chocolate - well broken up
0.5 cup heavy cream
4 small eggs or 3 large
0.3 cup clarified butter
1.5 cup granulated splenda

• preheat oven to 375.  grease a 9 inch round pan, and put a round parchment on the bottom.
• when i try to make this again, i'm going to use more cream.  the end result of the cake was just a bit to dense in chocolate flavor.  but bf really loved it.  anyway, over a double boiler melt chocolate, cream and butter together until it reaches a really creamy consistency.  remove from heat and whisk in splenda.  
• in a separate bowl, whisk eggs.  slowly add eggs to chocolate mixture, whisking all the time.  put mixture in pan and heat for ~25 minutes or until a top is a little bit crispy.
• cool for about five minutes, then invert on a plate like this

now its time to tell you about something amazing i just found today:

its zero carb, zero calorie caramel!  and its delicious! no sugar alcohols either!  i can't believe no one mentioned this before, its so incredible bf and i went crazy.  we found it on the very highest shelf of our organic market between jars of the same brand of zero calorie raspberry dip, chocolate dip, and marshmallow spread.  we almost threw a party in the middle of the dang store.

so. i put a bit of this on a piece of that flourless chocolate cake with a couple of raspberries.  bf had his with some clotted cream and berries.  

we love love love this.  i hope you do too

do you ever contemplate stealing other peoples' garlic fries?

boyfriend and i went to go see sucker punch, which is totally awesome, btw, i don't care what all those haters say, and there must have been a garlic fries festival happening downtown or something because it smelled *delicious*.  i was jealous of those fries i could smell and not see and then it came to me.  i could turn those two crazy pumpkin looking thingies on top of my fridge into weird fries!  and i did!  those weird things are called kabocha squash.  i looked them up on my telephone-internet-doo-dad, and found out they have ~6.5g carbs per cup.  i don't know if this is net carbs or total carbs, but i was like whatevs, that's better than regular pumkin and spaghetti squash either way so i'm gettin' it.  i had no idea why, maybe i was on a shoppers high.  they've been sitting on top of the fridge for just over a week now, and i'd been hoping they'd inspire me into something magical, and then there were fries.  so here they are.  i don't know how many carbs.

ingredients

some punkin' squashy type doo dads
olive oil
seasonings (see below)

• preheat oven to 350F
• peel squash.  this sucks, i hurt my fingers.  gut those squash by scoopin out all their seed innards.  cut squash into slices 1/8 - 1/4 inch thick, about 3 inches long.
• toss two cups of sliced squash with two tablespoons of olive oil and your seasoning choices.  i made four different kinds

curry spice:

• 2 tsp curry powder
• 0.5 tsp garlic salt
• 0.5 tsp cayenne pepper

garlic!:

• 5 cloves of garlic minced
• 1 tsp parsley
• 1 tsp garlic salt

cajun:

• 2 tsp cajun seasoning (this one is really complicated)

italian:

• 1 tsp italian seasoning
• 1 tsp garlic salt
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 2 tsp dried onion

• after tossed, placed fries on parchment lined cookie sheet and place in the oven
• stir them around after about 15 minutes and turn heat up to 400.  remove from the oven when some of the edges have become golden.  but be careful!  they burn fast, see:

those are the curry and garlic ones.  they were still super delicious.

and there are the cajun and italians.  we went crazy for these dang fake fries.  its actually the first time that i've ever made baked fries and they turned out crispy and delicious.  i think it must have been the parchment paper, which i've never used before.  anyway, well worth hoarding those squashy doo dads

enchiladas are definitely one of the six things i miss about texas

i don't know what the deal is here; people only eat burritos and nachos at mexican food restaurants.  when i tell people i'm making enchiladas, and then give them the enchiladas, they're always like, "oh, i didn't realize that was an enchilada."  whatevs.  i love 'em.  and i was working so hard to make these stupid low carb tortillas but the grocery store has them for cheaper + higher fiber + lower carb.  the kind i am using is just under 3 carbs per tortilla, but you might be able to find a better deal.  they are *really* high in fiber tho.  be warned.  so these are spicy beef and chicken enchiladas with creamy cilantro sauce.  cook time + prep time ~ 1 hr, yields ten enchiladas, 1 carb + tortilla carbs (so 4 total carbs for me)

ingredients

3 cups boneless skinless chicken breasts - cubed
1 lb ground beef
3 cups mexican cheese - if there's too much cheddar, you'll have to add some jack or something to it otherwise it'll break
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
3 serrano - thinly sliced
0.25 cup green chili powder
4 tbsp spicy red chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp garlic salt

• preheat oven to 350F
• break up the beef in pan over medium heat.  add chicken, salt, cumin, and chili powders.  cook until chicken is cooked through and beef is well broken up.  taste it.  you might need more salt or more chili.  put aside to cool.  i put mine in the freezer.  i wanted it to be cold enough that it wasn't going to make the cheese melt.  when sufficiently cooled, add two cups of cheese and mix well.  
• evenly divide amongst tortillas and roll them up like tiny burritos.  the internet has everything.  place them in a 9ishx13ish well greased pan.  put pan aside.
• in another stove top pan over medium high heat, heat cream mixed with cilantro.  when it comes to a simmer add cheese in small increments.  remember the lessons i have learned about cheddar.  if there is too much cheddar, the sauce will break when you put it in the oven, so make sure your cheese is more creamy soft cheeses than cheddar.  when sauce is thick and cheesy, pour it all over the enchiladas and put them in the oven for ~20 minutes until bubble and golden in some parts

man o man these were so delicious.  we had leftovers for the next couple days and it was still bombtacular.  these are a total win.  try make them with your own modifications

there's no catchup in this pot roast

so this last week i was sick.  like sleep for thirty out of thirty six hours sick.  this means that i was not all up for bloggin' bout foods.  but i'm mostly better now and here's my ketchup.

i made a pot roast last tuesday on mine and boyfriends meat kick.  i made a reduced mushroom sauce like with that lamb roast that one time.  the only carbs in this come from the stupid mushrooms, which also provide me with vitamin d so i can't be too mad at them.  cook time + prep time: ~4.5 hours, yields like 8 servings, so less than a carb per serving

ingredients:

2 cups pearl onions - peeled
4 cups mushrooms
1 cup celery - chopped
4 cloves garlic - chopped
1 tsp beef base
2 lb boneless pot roast
2 tbsp italian seasoning
2 cup red wine
2 tbsp olive oil

• season the meat with the italian seasoning.  in a heavy bottomed pot (i used my awesome cast iron) brown the meat in the olive oil for about thirty seconds on all sides.  put aside.
• put celery, garlic, and onions in pot to deglaze.  if there's not enough oil, add just a bit of the wine so nothing gets burned.  when a little bit golden, add remainder of ingredients, put the roast back in, and turn the stove about as low as it will go, while still maintaining a simmer.  cook for about 4 hours until beef is fork tender.  remove it from the pot and let it rest
• turn heat up to high and boil off liquid so you have a super yummy mushroom gravy for on top of the beef.

end result:

it was pretty good, and really beefy.  because there was beef in it.  i'm not sure you can tell.

its green and creamy and delicious.

i make a good pesto.  ask anyone, my pesto is bomb-tacular.  its probably all the cheese and the dash of cream i add.  i once went to this restaurant and the pesto was a bit creamy and since then i've always added a little bit of cream to mine and its always been well received.  i thought i would make this pesto later in the week for some delicious something or another or whatever, but the basil leaves that i bought yesterday are already weeping so i decided i'd make it today.  cook time + prep time: 5min, a million servings like five total carbs or something, i don't know

ingredients:

2 cups fresh basil leaves
1.5 cups grated fresh parmesan (not the dry stuff in the shaker PLEASE)
0.5 cups pine nuts
a ton of garlic like 6 cloves, peeled
1.5 cups light flavor olive oil
0.25 cup heavy cream
1 tsp salt
0.5 tsp crushed red pepper

• toast your pine nuts.  i do this sometimes in the oven at 350F with some non stick cooking spray and toss em around until they're a bit golden, but i was too lazy to turn on the oven so i did it in a pan over the stove at about medium heat following the same sort of rules
• put everything but the pine nuts in a blender and mix it all well.  i use light flavor olive oil because sometimes i find with pesto especially if its heated, extra virgin tastes a bit strong.  mix in the pine nuts with a spoon and serve.  i'll prolly toss it with spaghetti squash and chicken breasts or something.

this time, i stuffed it and baked it.

i bought low carb tortillas.  turns out they're lower in carbs and higher in fiber than the stuff i worked so hard to make.  le sigh.  anyway, i call this leftover enchilada surprise!

wrapped up in low carb tortillas, topped with cheese and hot sauce, and threw 'em in the oven at 350F for about 15 minutes.  delicious.

sorta like nachos. except not at all

boyfriend and i have been straight up desperate for red meat lately.  its nuts; we must be iron deficient or something.  we were sitting around this morning and boyfriend was all, "you should make a pot roast."  and i thought oooooooh beeeeeeeff aaaargggghhhhhhhh.  i used to make this shredded beef for tacos some years and years back.  i sort of perfected my process, but its been a long time, like more than five years since i visited the process.  and then when i was like, "how are we going to eat this?"  and i decided that i'd make some sort of tortilla bread type thing and it would be sorta like nachos.  here it is.  cook time + prep time 4.5 hours, yields 12 servings, 4 grams of net carbs per serving (that's all in the tortilla tho)

ingredients (for meat)

5lbs of boneless chuck roast - well marbled & cubed
5oz vinegar based hot sauce
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
3 serrano peppers - sliced
4 cloves garlic - smashed
4 tbsp worcestershire sauce
1 tsp beef base
2 bay leafs
2 tbsp hot chili powder
1 tbsp steak seasoning
1 tbsp ground cuman
1 cup dry white wine

• bust out your super rad cast iron cored dutch oven  put everything except the cilantro in it over low heat on the stove, mix it up as well as you can.  cover it.  after an hour stir it up some.  after another hour, stir it up some.  after another hour take a cooking fork or something not heat sensitive and hard and mash up all the meat until its all shredded.  add the cilantro and cover it back up.  wait another hour, turn up the heat just a tad remove the lid and cook off excess juices.  then its done!

ingredients (tortilla like bread)

1 cup soy flower

1 cup vital wheat gluten

0.5 cup butter - melted

2 tsp baking soda

2 tsp salt

1 egg

0.5 hot water

4 tbsp safflower oil

• mix up dry ingredients.  add melted butter and mix well until the dough is a little crumbly, then add egg.  mix it up and then add water, but not so much that the dough is sticky
• form the dough into golf ball sized spheres.  mash each one on a flat surface with the palm of your hand so it looks like a circle.  roll each circle out until its like an eighth of an inch thick.
• heat oil over medium heat in a medium sized pan.  cook each "tortilla" for ~3 minutes on each side until golden.  place on paper to drain off excess oil

finished product was this:

this was so fracking good, i can't even tell you.  the beef was so juicy and delicious, you wouldn't believe it.  would be fab on sandwich or salad or whatevs.  sucks that it takes so long to make, but sometimes that happens.

i'm not sure... but there's crab in it

i had no idea what i was going to make when i stopped by the market today, but i saw avocados were on sale and then i saw scallops were on sale and i just started buying a bunch of stuff and i didn't really know what i was making until i was done making it but here it is: seafood stuffing?  prep time + cook time: 1hr, yields 4 servings, 2.25 carbs per serving

ingredients:

2 avocados
3 thin slices of that bread we made or 1 cup of low carb breadcrumbs
1.5 tbsp butter
1 egg
1 cup "mexican" cheese - whatever that is
2 cloves of garlic - minced
1 bunch cilantro - finely chopped
8 oz lump crap meat
0.33 lb scallops
0.33 lb jumbo shrimp - peeled and deveined
1 serrano - thinly sliced
salt and pepper

• to make your own breadcrumbs, preheat oven to 350F.  cube your bread really really finely.  like 1/8th inch square max.  spread out cubes over baking sheet and put in oven for 30 minutes.  mix them around like every ten minutes or so and don't let them burn.  put aside in a medium sized mixing bowl.
• cut shrimp and scallops into quarter inch pieces.  heat butter in pan over medium heat, when its melted but not browned, add garlic, shrimp, scallops and crab.  the seafood will be all like "give us some more butter" but don't believe it and just put a lid on it.  it'll all sweat and be moist in like two minutes.  add serrano, cilantro, and salt and pepper to taste.  don't over cook, or your shrimp will be like rubber pellets.  remove from heat and toss with breadcrumbs in that bowl from before. i shoved it in the freezer to cook off a bit
• finely cube your avocados.  this can be done with them in the shell.  the internet can help you with this if you are unfamiliar.  mix in with the seafood mixture.  when your seafood mixture has cooled, like it doesn't need to be cold just not scalding to the touch, add your egg and your cheese and mix it all together well.  at this point i was like, "what in the hell am i doing right now?  should i make like crabbish cake thingies?  should i stuff these into something?" and then i decided to stuff them into these shells we have from the last time we had seafood stuffed shells.  remember that?  way back on the first blog?  yah.

• so i stuffed those shells, but you could use like bell peppers or sole filets or mushrooms or something.  the possibilities are really endless.  then i put them in the oven for about 30 minutes at 350F.  they weren't super golden or anything, but boyfriend was all like, "if you don't let me noms that right now, i'm going to eat leftovers."  he was hungry.  so we ate it.  it looked like this:

we had it with arugula.  we love arugula. anyway, there you have it.  improvised seafood stuffing that is delicious and also not so bad for you on this diet.

adding nuts sometimes makes it creamy

i had a terrible, no good, very bad day.  like hide tears from your coworkers day.  nothing was going my way at all and i needed food to fix this.  so i decided that i had to make curry; curry is one of my favorite things in the whole entire world.  so i made this weird crazy improvised korma that i wanted to serve over cauliflower rice but i didn't have cauliflower, so i mixed it in with spaghetti squash.  its a strange thing all together, i guess, but whatever.  i liked it.  it sorta made me feel better.  cook time + prep time 1hr, yields 10 servings, 5.23 carbs per serving

ingredients

4 tbsp safflower oil
5 oz frying cheese
1 medium spaghetti squash
1 cup heavy cream
2 cups broccoli - chopped
0.5 cup cilantro - chopped
1 can tomato sauce
1 tsp vegetable base
0.25 white onion - chopped
1 serrano pepper - thinly sliced
8 oz mushrooms - quartered
1 cup macadamia nuts
4 cloves garlic - minced
1 tbsp ginger - minced
2.5 tbsp indian curry powder
0.5 tsp cayenne pepper
2.5 cups water
salt

• prepare the spaghetti squash as we did last weekend
• in a large pan, like the largest pan you have, heat 2 tbsp oil over medium heat.  add macadamia nuts.  typically, you make korma with cashews but cashews are high in carbs and in fat, and so i decided to use macadamia nuts which tend to be pretty creamy and are one of the lower carb nuts.  toast nuts until they're sorta golden.  when the nuts start popping, add vegetable base and 1 cup water.  cook water down by half and then put nuts + water in a blender and puree them well.  set aside
• i fried my cheese at this point.  i found this cheese at tjs, and its the most similar cheese i've ever found to paneer in that it doesn't really melt down.  and then one day i decided to fry it, and things were really great.  you can fry yours or you can use paneer or you can use it just like it is or whatever.  i don't care.  once i thought to myself, "mozzarella is like paneer." and so i added mozzarella to my curry.  it melted like instantly, which was awesome because it made the curry super creamy and delicious, but it wasn't paneer.  anyway, here's a picture of my cheese:

• heat remaining oil over medium heat in same big ole' fryin' pan.  cook onions, garlic, pepper, and ginger until onions turn sort of translucent.  add all of seasonings and mix well.  saute over medium heat until aromatic.  its important to fry your curry powder into a paste like thing like this or else it ends up tasting super grainy.  
• add tomato sauce, mix well and heat until it comes to a simmer.  add mushrooms and a half cup of water and cover, allowing mushrooms to sweat and cook down.
• add cream and nut paste and broccoli.  heat to a boil then turn down the heat and let sauce cook for about 15 - 20 minutes until its super thick and curry-like.  you'll know it when you see it.  turn off heat, and stir in cheese and cilantro.  salt to taste.  mix this nom nom sauce in with scraped spaghetti squash.

end result:

it looks like vodka sauce or something, huh?  its not tho.  its super-spicy-crazy-delicious-weird-non-authentic-at-all curry.  you'll like it, i promise.

ps.  i got this amazing awesome gem thanks to my new good friend, stevie-poo.  no more begging for a stand-mixer.  i got the raddest one there ever was.  when it is delivered, i will use it and post pictures.  you'll see.

tear me a sue.

people be goin crazy for those almond cookie balls i made last night.  boyfriend was all, "these remind me of some fancy italian cookie."  and italian cookies made me think about lady fingers which of course made me think of tiramisu, so i made it.  its quite about different than any normal recipe, but its still pretty fly.  prep time + sit time: 4 hours (most of that is just sitting in the fridge time) yields 8 servings, 5.37 carbs per serving.

ingredients

1 cup almond flour
1 cup hazelnut flour
5 tbsp butter - melted
18 packets splenda
1.25 cups granulated splenda
1 tsp almond extract
1.5 tsp vanilla extract
1 egg + 6 egg yolks
1 lb mascarpone cheese
0.25 cup strong coffee
2 tbsp rum
2 cup cream
1 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder

• follow last night's recipe for almond cookies, but i used just 5 tbsp of butter this time cause last night was a little greasy.  instead of balling dough, lay out flatly onto a cookie sheet about a quarter of an inch thick and cook at 350F for about 10 minutes or until dry and sticking together.  you can totally do this ahead of time or whatever.
• to make the custardy part mix egg yolks and splenda packets together super duper well in a heavy bottomed sauce pot.  add 2/3 cup of cream and put over medium heat.  stir constantly, seriously, never ever ever stop, constantly scraping the sides.  i did this with a spatula in one hand and a whisk in the other.  keep stirring until it starts to boil then remove from heat.  i then transported to a pyrex bowl that had a lid and put it into the fridge for about an fifteen minutes.  add mascarpone  cheese and mix really well.  put yolk misture back in the fridge for about an hour.  thats when i made the cookies.
• to make whipped cream, whisk remaining vanilla and remaining cream until it becomes a solid.  this is where that stupid kitchen aid mixer comes in handy.  but i don't have it.  put aside.
• mix together rum and coffee for putting on top of cookies
• when cookies have cooled, cut sheet into four rectangular pieces that you'll use for layering.
• once all your layering ingredients are all solid like, in a dish that will hold it all together, place one piece of your cookie.  top with a quarter of coffee mixture.  top with a quarter of the custard mixture, then a quarter of the whipped cream.  keep doing this until all ingredients are used then sprinkle with the cocoa powder.  

i tried to start this on a place but it got all droopy so i put it in this tupperware that is super unattractive but the perfect size for my tiramisu.  you then have to put it in the fridge for at least three hours for it to totally totally totally set.  this is important or it won't be pretty.  which is hard cause at this point you've prolly licked the custard and stuff and you want it real bad.  well, suck it up!

i don't have a finished photo because i'm sucking it up.  i'll add it in the morn.

now its morning.

blah blah blah, soup!

i like soup.  soup tastes good.  we had soup for dinner.  here is my recipe for cream of mushroom soup.  cook time + prep time: 0.75 hours, yields six servings, 4.16 carbs per serving.  this was surprising to me.  i had no idea portobellos were sooo fracking high in carbs.  every website says something different.  it makes me want to cry cause i had seconds before i looked it up and we pretty much have this soup like once a week.  le sigh.

ingredients:

24 oz portobello mushrooms - chopped
3 celery stalk - chopped
0.25 onion - chopped
3 cloves garlic - minced
2 cups cream
1 tsp beef base
0.5 tsp red pepper
1 tsp salt
2 tsp montreal seasoning
2 tsp italian seasoning.
2 tbsp olive oil
2 cup water

• in a large stockpot, over medium heat, cook onion and garlic in olive oil until transparent.  add celery and stir.  add mushrooms to the top, top with all seasonings and cover pot with lid to let mushrooms sweat for about five minutes
• stir mushrooms and add beef base, cream, and water.   stir soup occasionally.  soup is done when broth is thickened to your desired consistency.

see?  super crazy easy and super crazy yum.  but not as low carb as one might hope.  stupid mushrooms and their stupid secrets.

peaceful cookie balls

today has really been all about improvisational ball cooking.

so boyfriend enters the living room, where i am sitting and exclaims, "i want some chocolate cookies!"  then he began repairing the bookshelf that collapsed and i decided that i should make him cookies since he was doing chores.  so i pulled some ingredients from around the kitchen and this is what i came up with: black and white almond cookie balls. prep + cook time: 30 minutes, yields 9 white cookies & 9 black cookies, ~1.22 carbs per cookie

ingredients:

1 cup almond flour
1 cup hazelnut flour
1 tsp almond extract
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 egg
6 tbsp melted butter
1 tbsp sugar free cocoa powder
1.25 cup + 1 tbsp granulated splenda

• preheat oven to 350F
• mix together flours and 1.25 cups of the splenda.  add butter, egg, and extracts and mix well until very oily dough forms
• form dough into balls ~ 1 inch in diameter and place on cookie sheet about an inch apart, though this doesn't really matter because they don't do anything like rise or spread or whatever.
• place balls in oven for ~6 minutes
• while balls are cooking, mix together cocoa and remaining splenda
• after the six minutes have passed, remove balls from the oven.  roll the tops of nine of the balls in the cocoa powder mixture and put back on the cookie sheet
• place balls back into the oven for four minutes, then turn heat up to 400F.  cook for another 4 minutes then remove from the oven.  cookies should have a sort of crisp outer shell but super soft core

these black and white cookies will make the world a better place.

sometimes, they turn into multicultural balls

when i saw that ground lamb was on sale at the market, i knew i was going to make spanish meatballs, because they are delicious.  but i only have Iranian saffron so i was like, "whatever."  but then i was like, "hmm... i'mma season these with Montreal seasoning." then i said, "hmm... i'mma stuff these with Jamaican cheese."  then i thought, "these should be spicy, i'm adding red pepper."  then i was all, "hmm... i'mma deep fry these so they are crispy on the outside."  so yeah, i call these delicious morsels multicultural balls.  cook time + prep time: 1hr, yields 8 balls, 1 carb per ball.

ingredients:

1.5 lbs of ground lamb
0.5 cups sliced then chopped almonds
4 oz cheese - small cubes
1 egg
4 cloves garlic - minced
1 tsp beef base
1 tsp montreal seasoning
1 tsp parsley
1 tsp salt
0.5 tsp crushed red pepper
10 threads of saffron
2 tsp olive oil
0.5 cups safflower oil - not pictured
0.25 cup almond flour

• you might be asking yourself, why is she using 1.5 lbs of meat?  the answer is simple.  i walked in to the kitchen at 7:30am the other day and boyfriend was frying something.  i say "what's that?"  he says, "oh, i'm making a lamb burger for breakfast."  for breakfast!?! and a half pound burger!?! he's crazy.  whatever.
• mix lamb, seasonings, egg, nuts, olive oil & garlic until it's all well mixed.  divide the meat into eights and flatten out each eighth into a patty shape.  in the center of each patty, put an eighth of the cubed cheese.  these cheese is i don't know what kind.  its called no woman no cry, and its marbleized with jerk seasoning.  its really awesome.  i thought the sweetness of it would balance the saffron well, and it did.  i was right.  anyway.... ball up the meat into what one might call a meatball shape.  
• at this point, my plan was that i would bake the balls.  but they were so wet i was like these are gonna lose their shape.  so i decided that i should fry them.  and when i decided to fry them i thought i needed to add some flour to them so they would get crispy on the outside.  so roll the balls through some almond meal until they are well coated.
• heat safflower oil over medium heat in a large pan.  cook all the balls until they are golden throughout.  this requires turning them on all sides (about five times).  this is me frying the balls

• place the balls on a paper bag or something to drain off excess oil.

these balls were super duper awesome.  juicy and flavorful.  we totally loved the heck out of them.  plus, its a meal without heavy cream!  yippee!

we served them with some broccolini.  see:

i sure do wish i had that fancy white smiling glove to give me directions

all my local friends, at some point or another, have had mac n' cheese shoved down their throat by me.  i enjoy making crack n' cheese, and i'm pretty good at it.  i've learned many lessons over the years but for some reason i totally destroyed it this time.  i know that cheeses like cheddar break really easily at high temperatures unless you start with a roux.  i cannot use a roux, and i almost never ever use only cheddar for a mac n' cheese because i like to add something more creamy or exotic but my ego got the best of me.  i thought if i used fancy white cheddars they would behave differently.  they did not :-\  anyway, i call this fancy pants hamburger helper (do you get the white smiling glove thing now?)  ~1.25 hours cook + prep time, yields ten servings ~4 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

1 cup red wine
1 medium spaghetti squash
6 slices bacon
1 lb ground beef
24 oz cheese - grated
2 cups heavy cream
1 tsp montreal steak seasoning
1 tsp beef base
1 tsp garlic salt
1 tsp italian seasoning
1 tsp ancho chili powder
0.5 tsp ground cumin
2 tbsp dehydrated onion
0.5 tsp crushed red pepper

• preheat oven to 350F.
• cut spaghetti squash in half long ways.  this is pretty difficult because as soon as you get one knife in, it'll get stuck.  my strategy is to use two really strong, thickly bladed knives, and keep switching until one gets stuck and i can use the next.  you'll figure it out.  place the two halves of spaghetti squash open side down in a baking dish, add a cup or two of water to the bottom, until there is standing water all over the pan.  cover the pan loosely with aluminum foil and cook in the oven for ~1 hour or until you can stick a knife in it easily.
• cook bacon until extra crispy and set aside to drain off fat.  crumble it up into small pieces.  i have put many things over the top of a mac n' cheese to add texture, from crumbled hot fries, to potato chips, to bread crumbs, to croutons.  i'll use whatever seems like a good idea.  this time around, i'm using bacon to add some crisp to the top of it all.
• brown the ground beef in the bacon fat over medium heat.  keep breaking it up until it's in small pieces.  add all of the dry seasonings.  when the beef is completely cooked, add the beef base and the wine (beef wine again, you know i like it), turn heat up to medium-high and keep cooking until all of the liquid is cooked off.
• when squash is totally cooked, scoop out the seeds and throw away.  with a shallow pronged fork (i use a spork, cause i have one and its cool) gently slide through the squash fibers so that they come out looking like spaghetti.  place these, along with your meat, in a greased baking dish.
• to make your sauce, put cream in heavy bottomed pan over medium high heat.  when cream comes to a soft boil, begin adding your cheese in small increments until it is completely melted.  when sauce is thick and cheesy, add this to spaghetti squash and stir well.  add the crumbled bacon to the top of the mac n' cheese.
• everything is totally cooked, so i throw mine under the broiler for about five minutes until golden on top.

finished product.  once again, beware cheddar with out something else added to the sauce.  it ends up greasy like this cause the cheese breaks.  still delicious tho, just greasy.

i steam a good ham

for your reference, please see this gem.  i found early on this diet that ground beef will satiate many of my crazy carby cravings.  i'm not sure why it does this.  but i'm assuming its because of the mental association of bun with burger.  anyway, boy and i have had a lot of burgers over the last couple months.  they're easy and they're great for the diet.  here i share with you today my process for baked, spicy, cheese stuffed burgers.  cook + prep time: 1h, yields 4 servings, 0.75 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

0.5 cup chunky hot sauce
1 lb lean ground beef
6 oz spicy cheese

• preheat oven to 350F.   i decided to bake burgers to decrease on grease mess.  also, when you're stuffing with cheese, the baking strategy keeps the cheese all in one place rather than leaking all over a frying pan or all over your grill.  baking is low maintenance.
• as you can see, this is a super easy one.  for this i use pepper plant hot sauce, one of the best things ever invented.  i discovered it a few years ago, served on all tables at the Big Sur River Inn.  i highly recommend it for all things needing spice.  because of the nature of this sauce, i add no other seasoning to the meat; the sauce has it all.  anyway, combine hot sauce and beef in a bowl.  you might have to use your hands to do this well
• slice your cheese thinly.  you could also grate it, but i find its easier to handle and makes less of a mess if you leave it in slices, though it melts more evenly grated.  your choice.  i'm using an organic habanero cheddar.  its awesome.
• evenly divide the meat into eight separate parts and flatten each of those eight parts like tortillas.  on four of the pieces, evenly distribute the cheese.  cover each of the four patties with the remaining four patties.  almost like you're making a cheese sandwich, but instead of bread you're using beef!  squish together the sides of the patties so that the cheese can't leak out and smooth out your edges.  the end result will look something like this

• place burgers in the oven for ten minutes.  after ten minutes, increase heat to 450F and flip burgers.
• cook for an additional ten minutes then remove from the oven and let rest for at least three minutes.

when burgers are done they won't be all caramelized nor charbroiled.  they'll look like super moise beef patties which is what they are.  we served our burgers on top of a toasted slice of last weekend's bread with some Trader Joe's frying cheese, and a spinach caesar salad.

this was a super delicious, super easy, super cheap meal.  we hearted it.  

i don't think i'm gonna say that thing about another day on the dang diet anymore.  it's kinda lame.

let's fudge some fudge

i'm on a stupid diet and i can't have the awesome brownies that someone brought into work today and left sitting out on the stupid counter for everyone to enjoy.  and this makes me jealous of everyone going, "nom, nom, nom... these stupid brownies are amazing."  and i was all like, "i could make brownies.  better yet, i'll make all these suckers jealous and make fudge."  i've never made fudge before, but i've known stupid people that make great fudge so there's no way i could screw it up that badly.  so, i compared a bunch of different recipes and came up with this fake pistachio-fudge recipe.  prep time: 30 min, yields 40 pieces, 1.53 net carbs per piece

ingredients:

1 cup granulated splenda
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups cream
0.25 cup salted butter
7 oz unsweetened chocolate
1 cup pistachio butter

• turn your granulated splenda into powdered splenda.  there's all sorts of advice on the internets about how to do this.  i put mine in a blender.  i stirred it around a few times between blending sessions.  its weird, you know.  'cause granulated splenda is already like those styrofoam balls inside of bean bags: super light weight and staticky.  after you've "powdered" it, the splenda becomes this super light weight dust.  it is impossible to open the blender without taking a huge lungful of powdered splenda dust.  i hope i don't die of Mesothelioma or somefin'
• melt the chocolate into the cream.  some peeps use a microwave, but i hate using a microwave for anything.  i also fear scorching/burning by melting directly in a pan.  my solution is the poor man's double boiler.  maybe now that i'm a dink i'll buy an actual one.  

• place one cup of cream, butter, and chocolate in your double boiler for melting  please notice that i'm using 7oz of chocolate here.  you might be asking yourself, "why didn't she just use the full 8oz that come in the box?"  well, that's because one disappeared into boyfriend's stomach.  c'est la vie.  1 oz less can't hurt that bad, can it?
• stir your chocolate/cream mixture frequently and heat thoroughly until it most of chocolate has melted.  add remainder of cream and continue heating until a completely creamy consistency is reached.  remove from heat.
• add nut butter.  any kind of nut butter is super easy to make, and much better for you and cheaper than buying it off of a shelf.  the internets will also help with this.  by my mistake, my pistachio butter, unfortunately, had far too much oil added.  i didn't realize this until after it was added to the hot chocolate mixture and the oil began to separate.  so keep that in mind; you want some oil to make a pretty marbly pattern, but not too much.  mix nut butter in really well.
• add powdered sugar and vanilla and mix well.  taste to be sure its sweet enough for you.  most recipes call for twice as much sugar but this was plenty for my taste, especially with the pistachios.
• line a large (9"x18" ish) pan with aluminum foil or waxed paper and pour the fudge into pan.  spread evenly with a spatula.  place in refrigerator to set

because of my problem with the abundance with oil, after about an hour, i tried to pour off the excess oil and then blotted it off with a paper towel.  let it set completely then cut it into 40, one inch squares and nom the heck out of them because they're delicious^(theMax)

lovely, huh?

i didn't even know lambs could survive without bones

when i was at the grocery store last weekend i saw this boneless leg of lamb and i was all like, "boyfriend lets get this! it will be interesting and it has no carbs!"  he says, "yah, of course it has no carbs.  its meat."  and that's how i totally won him over on the lamb.  i decided it would be a perfect opportunity to use my beautiful blue dutch oven and so that's what i did.  cook time + prep time: 2 hours, ~3 servings, 1.4 carbs per serving

ingredients:

1 netted boneless leg of lamb
4 tbsp olive oil
0.25 yellow onion - chopped
6 cloves garlic - minced
2 cups mushrooms - halved
1 tsp beef base
2 cup red wine
0.5 tsp red pepper
1 tsp Italian seasoning
2 tsp rosemary - minced
0.5 thyme

• preheat oven to 425F
• take two of the minced gloves of garlic, the minced rosemary, and 1 tbsp of olive oil and make a paste.  rub your lamb completely all over with this paste.  lightly salt and pepper your lamb on all sides
• put 1 tbsp of oil in your dutch oven over medium-high heat and sear your lamb on all sides.  a lot of people wouldn't sear the meat before roasting it in a dutch oven, but once when i was way too young to receive cooking advice, my dad told me that i should always always always sear my meat before roasting it if i don't want to eat cardboard.  i have a hard time not following established rules.  remove the lamb from heat.
• add remaining tbsp oil to dutch oven along with remainder of garlic and onion.  stirring often, saute until goldeny-translucent (look it up, its a color).  add mushrooms.  i used baby bella tiny little adorable buttons.  i recommend halving them because there is nothing worse than biting into a whole mushroom you think is cooled and it squirted its spores of boiling hot liquid all over your mouth such that you can't taste anything else for the rest of the week.  yah.  so add your mushrooms and stir them around in the dutch oven.  add all of your seasonings and a half tsp of salt.
• saute mushrooms for ~8 minutes until you're willing to sacrifice your tongue to eat just one of them.  add the beef base plus a half cup of wine and deglaze the pan.  add the remainder of the wine and bring it to a boil.  this creates the delicious and coveted beef flavored wine.  its the best wine you'll ever taste.
• place lamb leg back in dutch oven, cover it, and put it in the oven.  cook at 425F for 30 minutes and reduce the temperature to 350F.  cook for ~1 additional hour for medium rare.

• i know it looks delicious at the point when you've removed it from the oven, but you don't know the half of it.  remove roast from the pot and put aside to rest.  put the dutch oven on the stove over high heat, stirring often until mushroom sauce becomes a thick, delicious gravy.  
• when sauce reaches consistency you desire,  remove it from the heat.  cut the netting off of the lamb and cut it into half inch slices.

we served it with baked green beans and it was super delicious and healthy.  that was dinner and we survived another day on this dang diet.

what to do with a plant made of eggs

i love eggplant.  i know that i'm somewhat of a minority in this, but i love it anyway.  so when i venture through the produce section i always pick some up, even if i have no idea what i'm going to do with it.  when i first started this diet, back in december, i said to myself, "self, what are we going to do with this eggplant?"  and i decided that if i sliced it really thinly, maybe i could use it like the pasta in a lasagna.  that recipe has evolved a bit to become more of a casserole, but here it is, eggplant, italian sausage and Alfredo hot dish.  yields eight servings, cook time + prep time ~1 hour, ~3.46 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

2 cups cream
2 lbs hot Italian sausage
6oz spinach, coarsely chopped
0.75 yellow onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 tbsp olive oil
4 oz parmesan cheese, grated
4 oz asiago cheese, grated
1 tsp Italian seasoning
1 tsp garlic salt
0.5 tsp black pepper
0.5 tsp red pepper
0.5 tsp beef base
~1 lb eggplant
0.25 cup water

• optional: evidently the skin of the eggplant adds extra carbs to this recipe.  it also adds vitamins and minerals so i leave it in, but you may remove the skin if you choose.
• in a large frying pan, over medium temperature, heat 1tbsp of olive oil and add garlic and onion.  cook until translucent.  add Italian sausage and break it up into small pieces.  add beef base and water and mix well.  top with spinach, salt, peppers, and Italian seasoning.  cover pan with lid and let stew for ~5 minutes.
• remove lid from pan and turn heat to high.  stir well and cook until the moisture is cooked off.
• slice the eggplant into thin slices, i'm talking 2 - 3mm slices.  i had to use these Japanese eggplant because the store was all out of the big ones, which is exciting, 'cause i've never used them before.  set aside.
• begin Alfredo by putting 2 cups of cream in a heavy bottomed pan over medium heat.  when this begins to bubble, add 1/4 of your cheese mixture and mix in well until completely melted.  repeat with cheese 2 more times, setting aside 1/4 of your cheese to put on top of casserole.  set aside cream sauce.
• preheat oven to 350F.  cover the bottom of like a 9"x13" well greased baking dish with 0.33 of the eggplant slices.  top with half of the sausage mixture.  add the second 0.33 of the eggplant slices and top with the remaining sausage mixture.  finish with the remaining eggplant slices and cover with all of the cream sauce.  smooth out the top of the casserole so there's no pieces that will dry out.  top with the remaining cheese and throw that puppy in the oven for ~20-30 minutes until bubbly and nom nom nom.  i have a gas oven and i like it a little browned on top so i put it under the broiler for about 2 minutes.

that's all she wrote.  it turns out consistently yummy and lovely.  casseroles get a bad name 'cause of canned soup and frozen veggies, but this one's alright, i promise.

so that was dinner, and i survived another day on this dang diet

cinnamon is a synonym for nooooooooom

when boy and i moved in together we had to consolidate our spices and come up with a good storage plan for what ended up being boxes and boxes of spices.  what was the most weird about this, was that between us, we had six(!) receptacles full of different types of cinnamon.  i have actually never made anything with cinnamon and he couldn't remember ever using it either so this was strange.  last night whilst making bread,  i said to myself, "self, this seems like cinnamon roll dough."  then ding! ding! ding! i finally came up with a way to use a measly two teaspoons of it.  so here is a low carb cinnamon roll with butter cream icing recipe.  yields ~18 rolls, 1.5 hours prep + cook time, ~4.06 net carbs per roll.

ingredients:

(please excuse my poor droid quality photos.  i left my camera in a rental car some months back, but if you know me, you know i like gifts)

1 cup almond meal/flour
1 cup hazelnut meal/flour
1 cup vital wheat gluten
1 cup heavy cream
1 tbsp active dry yeast
1 tsp baking powder
0.5 cup raw pecans
0.5 tsp salt
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp cardamom
0.125 tsp ground cloves
0.125 tsp ground nutmeg
1 cup butter
1 egg
0.25 cup hot water
0.75 cup + 2 tsp granulated Splenda

• in a small pot heat .75 cup of the heavy cream to a light boil.  some may scoff at heavy cream, but cream is substantially lower in sugar and thus carbs than regular milk.  when the cream starts bubbling, remove it from the heat and add .25 cup of butter to it and stir it around until its all melted
• in a large bowl, mix 3 types of flour, yeast, baking powder, salt, and 0.25 cup Splenda.  add milk/butter mixture, water, & egg and mix together really well.  i had to do this with a fork, once again, because i'm still missing that Kitchenaid stand mixer (please note how lovely the cinnamon colored one is)  if your dough is too wet, add a sprinkle of more of one of your flours, but this is a greasy wet dough so don't dry it out too much.  
• take dough from bowl and knead it out on a dry surface for 2-4 minutes, then place your dough back in a bowl, cover it and let it rest for at least ten minutes.  this will make your hands super greasy and nasty.  sometimes my favorite part of cooking is washing my hands because i'm a little bit crazy.  i used to always have this issue where i would wash my hands but they would still smell like garlic or whatever and then i bought this soap:

omg its so amazing.  you'll totally thank me.

• whilst your dough is "resting", make the cinnamon spread for the inside.  chop up pecans and add to 0.25 cup of melted butter and all of your spices + the 2 tsp of Splenda.  mix all this junk together really well.  the reason why i used all those different spices is because traditional cinnamon rolls use a paste with a brown sugar base and i was trying to recreate that consistency without adding unnecessary carbs.  set aside
• i also used this time to make the butter cream.  combine 0.5 cup butter (left at room temperature for a long while, this will make it much easier to use) 0.5 cup Splenda and mix until a bit fluffy.  add remaining 0.25 cup cream and mix it all together.  keep mixing it for a while, once again helped by the stand mixer that i don't have.  if its too wet, pour off excess cream.  boy likes to put this in his coffee.  set aside
• my dough had "rested" for ~20 minutes at this point, but frankly it didn't look any different from before.  whatever.  preheat oven to 375F and roll out the dough into a rectangle ~ 12"x18".  you don't need any flour for this because the dough is so buttery.  spread your pecan/cinnamon past all over your rectangle of dough.  make sure to reach the edges, or your edge rolls will suck.  
• now roll your dough up hotdog style so that its tight and sticks together.  cut one inch slices from the roll until you've cut the whole roll which should be ~18" long.  I used a muffin tin for baking my cinnamon rolls because i knew they wouldn't expand much without real flour and i like the crispy part of baked goods best.  place in the oven for ~30 minutes, but check them after 20 to make sure they're okay.  some peeps may like 'em softer, some crispier.  you decide.
• promptly top each cinnamon roll with a spoonful of your butter cream icing and spread it around.  the icing will melt super quickly since its made out of butter.  i only used about a third of all of the butter cream, but some people like a lot of it, so the carb count reflects that.  i'll prolly just put the rest of mine in the freezer and use it on something else.

look how perfectly adorably delicious these noms are!  now you can eat them.  nom nom nom nom nom...