they call it pot roast, but i don't feel high at all

i'm supposed to be avoiding animal proteins because of my dang ole kidneys but i felt like i would die if i didn't have beef, so i decided to make pot roast.  also, i'm trying to perfect these mashed "potatoes" and this time i tried with jalapenos and cheddar.  everything turned out great.  cook time + prep time 3hrs, yields six servings, 3.56 net carbs per serving.

ingredients:

8 cups beef broth
2 cups red wine
2 lb beef - cubed chuck stew meat
0.5 yellow onion - chopped
1 tbsp garlic - minced
0.6 cup heavy cream
1 portobello mushroom - thinly sliced
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp oregano
2 tbsp italian seasoning
1 tbsp crushed red pepper
1 tbsp safflower oil
1 stick of salted butter at room temp
1 head cauliflower - chopped
1 cup cheddar cheese - shredded
1 cup pickled jalapenos - strained

• in heavy bottomed stock pot or your totally awesome dutch oven, cook garlic and onion over medium-high heat in safflower oil until translucent.  add mushrooms, beef, all seasonings, worcestershire sauce and stir well.  add broth and red wine, cover and cook for ~2.5 hours.  when the meat is fork tender and the broth has cooked down, add a third of a cup of heavy cream to beef to make a delicious gravy.
• meanwhile make your mashed potatoes.  follow these same instructions, but when you put it all in the food processor/blender, also add the cheddar and jalapenos.  serve hot, with a bit of beef over some potatoes!

the beef was crazy tender and creamy and the "potatoes" were just a hint of spicy and super creamy and cheesy.  its like you wouldn't know that it was jalapeno cheddar unless someone told you.

****i just realized i already have a pot roast post.  this one's better, i promise.****

i'll take the $100 curried fish chowder please

so, since barbados, i've been combining cajun and curry.  they inspired me and its been pretty good.  i've always loved curry, and so every time i've made a curry, i've been seasoning the meat or whatever with different sorts of cajun blends and its worked out pretty radly.  so i went on a tangent yesterday.  i had this idea of shell fish and seafood curried/cajun chowder and went on a shopping spree.  and i was really surprised when i checked out that i had just spent almost a hundred dollars on seafood chowder.  i mean, its gonna feed us for a while, since i made enough to feed an army, but still... anyway, here it is, seafood chowder.  cook time + prep time ~1hr, yields 10 servings, 2.9 carbs per serving

ingredients:

0.5 yellow onion - chopped
1 red bell pepper - finely chopped
2 spicy cajun sausages - well chopped
3 tbsp salted butter
6 cups seafood stock
2 cups heavy cream
2 cups coconut milk - or that stuff i use which is awesomer
1 tbsp ground cumin
2 tbsp yellow curry powder
2 tbsp red curry powder
1 tbsp cayenne pepper
1 tbsp paprika
cajun seasoning for coating fish before cooking
1 cup lump crab meat
4 tilapia filets - chopped
0.25 lb scallops
0.5 lb clams - scrubbed well
0.5 lb mussels - scrubbed well and debearded
0.25 lb jumbo shrimp, peeled and cleaned

• melt butter over medium heat in a large heavy bottomed stock pot.  add onions and sausage and pepper and saute until onion becomes transparant.  add all seasonings and mix well.  heat until seasoning because super aromatic and you're choking on the spice.
• add all your liquids to the pot and turn the heat up to high.  taste your broth and modify the flavors if need be.  we found the stock had enough salt that we needed none.  bring broth to a boil and let it cook down for approximately a half hour.
• add seasoned fish, scallops, shrimp, and crab as well shell fish.  heat until the clams have opened up wide, about 10 minutes.  don't over cook or the shrimp will be super yuck.

in hindsight i wish i would have cooked the broth down a bit more so it was thicker and garnished with some chopped cilantro.  we didn't care tho, it was late on a saturday and it was the most delicious seafood soup i've ever had in my whole life.  worth a hundred bucks?  i don't know...

snapper chu chee - i have no idea what i'm doing

so last week at work i got this fancy idea in my head that i wanted to make a low carb version of a thai dish i really wanted to eat but couldn't because of the stupid dang ole stupid carbs.  so this is fried snapper with a spicy red curry on top.  cook time + prep time ~1.5hr, makes four servings,  ~5.1 net carbs per serving

ingredients:

4 snapper filets - seasoned
2 cup coconut milk, or 2 cup chicken broth and this dried creamed coconut stuff
1 portobello mushroom cap - thinly sliced
1 jalapeno - thinly sliced
5 oz macadamia nuts - ground well
2 tbsp heavy cream
2 eggs
3 tbsp red curry paste
safflower oil for frying

• beat eggs and cream together.  dredge fish in egg then lightly coat in macadamia nuts.  in a large pan over medium high heat fry each fish filet in safflower oil.  be careful, cause its not super well coated, and snapper can fall apart easily.  let the grease dry off on a paper bag or something.  i put mine in the oven at 200 degrees to keep warm while i worked on the sauce.
• in a medium sized sauce pan over medium heat, smash up curry paste in 0.25 cup of coconut milk.  once disolved, and simmering a bit, add mushrooms and jalapenos and stir well.  add remainder of liquid and boil until cooked down to half its original volume.  i guess you could use this time to fry the fish, but i really didn't know what i was doing at the time.  turned out alright tho.

serve a bit of the fish with a bit of the sauce on top.  we served ours on green beans.  it was quite spicy and quite good.

loaf of meat > loaf of bread

my pal steve and i were waiting in line at mixd greens last week and noticed they had meat loaf on the menu.  and i was all "i'mma make that." and so i did, today.  low carb meat loaf with mock mashed potatoes and mushroom cream gravy.  cook time plus prep time ~1.5 hr, yields 10 servings, 3 net carbs per serving.

ingredients:

loaf:
1lb ground chuck
1lb ground pork
1lb ground sirloin
0.5 cup grated parmesan
2tbsp dehydrated onion
1tbsp dehydrated garlic
1tsp salt
1tbsp crushed red pepper
1tbsp italian seasoning
1 egg
"potatoes":
1 head cauliflower
1 stick of butter at room temperature
0.25 cup heavy cream
gravy:
1 box mushroom broth
1 portobello mushroom cap - chopped
0.75 cup heavy cream

• for meat, preheat oven 350
• mix together all meat ingredients then place in greased 10inch loaf pan
• cook in oven for an hour to 1.25 hours when internal temp has reached 150 and top bit of loaf is golden and awesome
• for "potatoes", chop cauliflower well and boil until soft.  place butter, cream, and drained cauliflower in food processor or blender or whatever and puree until smooth creamy consistency is reached.  they should be sort of thin at this point, if they're not and you're happy with them, then eat them.  if not, as i was not, put them in a large pan over medium heat and stir frequently until they've thickened up a good bit.  add salt and pepper to taste.
• for gravy, bring mushroom broth to a boil with mushrooms over high heat.  reduce broth to a quarter of its original volume then add cream and cook until sorta thickish and delicious.

throw it all on a plate and viola.  there's meat loaf dinner.  i started the meat in the oven then started the cauliflower and the gravy at the same time.  but cook time is all sort of up to you.

over stuffed shredded beef & spinach enchiladas, aka aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhh

over the break from blogging, i perfected my shredded beef.  the internet kept trying to tell me to add all this different junk and use all these different meats, but it never worked out.  i'm particular about eating animal and i hate hate hate hate biting into a chunk of fat or tendon or whatever animal is made out of.  and the flavors just never were spot on.  these flavors, i'm about to share with you, are totally spot on.  i also add spinach for just a bit of fiber, and the creamy cilantro is a recipe i stole from a special when i used to work at this mexican restaurant like a full decade ago.  cook time + prep time ~ 3.25 hours, yields 10 enchiladas, about three net carbs per enchilada plus how many carbs are in your tortillas (ours are about 2.5)

ingredients

2 lbs fresh spinach - salt water blanched, well dried, & chopped
1 lb pepper jack cheese - shredded - divided in half
2 lb cubed chuck stew meat
2 cup rum
2 tbsp worcestershire
1.5 cup heavy cream
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
4 tbsp dehydrated onion
2 tbsp dehydrated garlic
2 tbsp cumin
1 tbsp salt
2 tbsp cayenne pepper
4 tbsp high quality chili powder
10 tortillas or whatever
1 tbsp olive oil
water

• the beef is actually super easy, but it just takes forever.  heat the oil in a dutch oven over medium-medium high heat.  add beef and all the try seasonings and worcestershire.  mix it up.  add rum then top with water until beef is all covered.  put a lid on the dutch oven and leave it alone.
• check on meat after two hours.  it should fall apart easily.  if it doesn't, cover it and cook it longer.  otherwise its time for shredding.  there should be some liquid in the pot, but don't worry about it because as the beef starts shredding it will drink up all that liquid.  i use these two wooden thingies, one thats flat and one with teeth like a fork.  it makes shredding really easy.  i'm sure you can find an instructional video.

• add the spinach and mix it well with the beef.  divide the beef mixture into tenths and distribute among the tortillas.  also distribute half the cheese among these tortillas.  roll into a greased 9x13 pan with the open sides facing down.  
• preheat oven to 450.  in the same pot you cooked your beef, over medium heat, cook your cream and cilantro.  i have started using this cilantro that comes in these little frozen pellets you can see in the picture.  its easier than chopping a big bunch if i don't need it to be super fresh tasting.  when cream starts bubbling, add the remaining cheese in small increments mixing well the entire time.  sauce should be thick when all the cheese is added, such that when you run the spoon on the bottom of the pan, you can see the pan for a second.
• pour all that sauce over the enchiladas, paying attention to the corners so they don't dry out.  pop it into the oven for about 20 minutes, or until its golden on top and super bubbly

this is what it should look like when you take it out.  you might think its over cooked, but those chewy bits at the top will be what you and your mate will be fighting over when it comes time to eat.  you'll probably want to eat it right away, but i always let it sit for about fifteen minutes to cool before plating so it doesn't totally fall apart in its hot, delicious wetness.

these enchiladas are so amazing, even a regular sugar eater would be pleased.  lemme know if you try & what you think.

i love curry. that is all.

bf and i just got back from barbados and strangely enough, bajans eat a ton of curry.  they take that "west indies" misnomer incredibly seriously and the curry is delicious.  instead of ginger and cilantro they add like marjoram and thyme.  its pretty interesting, actually.  i'll try to make that one day, not today tho.  this is just hella creamy curry over crispy fried mahi-mahi, also a bajan staple.  (can you tell we miss them?)  prep time + cook time ~1hour, yields ~10 servings, 2.98 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

for curry:
1 medium onion - chopped
1 tbsp ginger - minced
2 tbsp garlic - minced
2 serrano peppers - thinly sliced
1 bunch cilantro - finely chopped
2 cups heavy cream
3 tbsp clarified butter
0.5 cup coconut milk
1 cup tomatoes - outside only, not the starchy inside part - chopped
0.5 cup chicken broth
1 tbsp worcestershire sauce
1 tsp cumin
1.5 tsp salt
1 tsp paprika
3 tbsp good curry powder
for fish:
1.5 lbs mahi-mahi - seasoned and cubed
2 eggs - beaten
6 oz macadamia nuts finely chopped
0.5 cup almond meal
0.5 cup safflower oil

• take care care of the fish first.  i seasoned mine with cajun seasoning.  it added a sorta nice spice that i thought would remind me of barbados.  mix together the almond meal and macadamia nuts.  coat the fish first in the eggs then in the nut mixture, like you would anything you were frying.  fry fish in small batches over medium heat in safflower oil.  listen. safflower oil is awesome.  read all about it.  not only does it have a high smoke point, but it offers outrageous health benefits to obese and diabetic peeps.  its a much better choice over traditional soy and corn oils.  it can be expensive but i think the benefits are well worth it.  put the fish aside and let dry.  should look about like this

• in a medium pan over medium-high temperature, heat the clarified butter.  when it starts to melt, add onions, ginger, garlic, and peppers and heat until onions start to turn golden.
• add all of the seasonings and mix well.  heat for ~3 minutes or until very aromatic.  add the tomatoes.  if you see in the picture above i used these boxed italian tomatoes that i got from our organic market.  there's only four net carbs in a cup of these guys because they only use the outside portion of roma tomatoes.  this disposes of all the inside starchy part so they're not so bad for you sugar wise.  add worcestershire.  simmer it all for about five minutes.
• add your liquids.  my recipe actually used different proportions than i recommend in the ingredients because of the coconut that i use.  if you see in the picture its actually not a can of the liquid stuff, but pressed and dried some in a box.  you mix it with a bit of water and it becomes coconut milk.  its not only more economically sound, but its slightly higher in protein and lower in net carbs than the canned stuff.  i mix a third a cup of that with one cup of chicken broth and it makes a wonderfully creamy, flavorful, magical thing.  simmer all this for about 15 minutes then add the cilantro and remove from heat.

serve a bit of curry over some of the fish bits.  its quite nom.  seriously, this curry recipe can't be beat.  its creamy and delicious and spicy.  we loved it, sorta reminded us of vacation.  i hope you enjoy it too.

google translate tried to teach me to say it

so i'm making some kind of asian inspired braised short ribs.  my short ribs, however, are boneless because i don't eat meat on the bone.  ever.  ask anyone.  i had to make a lot of strange substitutions for what would usually be in the braising juices and sauces, but whatevs. i did it.  so here's my recipe for braised short ribs over rice.  yields 6 servings, cook time + prep time ~3.5 hours, ~2.4 carbs per serving

ingredients

1 head cauliflower - shredded with a cheese grater
4 tbsp almond butter
1 can sugar free orange soda
10 tbsp chili puree
2 lb sliced boneless short ribs
1 tsp beef base
5 cloves garlic - 3 chopped, 2 minced
1 tbsp splenda brown sugar blend
2 cup low sodium soy sauce
0.75 cup rice wine vinegar - sugar free and low sodium
2 inches peeled sliced ginger
2 cups water
0.25 cups sesame oil
one bundle green onions, sliced
4 thin stalks lemon grass crushed and broken into large pieces
2 tbsp butter

• preheat oven to 350F.
• mix 4 tbsp chili, 1.5 cup soy sauce, 3 cloves of garlic, ginger, lemongrass, 1.5 cups soda, the white part of the sliced onions, 0.5 cup vinegar, 2 tbsp brown sugar, beef base in dutch oven.  add beef.  top with water until beef is covered.  put lid on dutch oven and put it in the oven for ~2.5 - 3 hours until beef is hella tender.  yah i said it.  hella.  i'm using orange soda here.  i don't know.  i needed some citrus and i was walking up and down the drink isle and yah.  i chose orange soda.  
• while the beef is cooking you can make the "rice."  cauliflower rice is super easy.  grated with a cheese grater it sort of looks like rice.  in a medium sized pan over medium, heat butter and add cauliflower.  stir it frequently until it starts to get a bit golden and is soft enough that you want it eat it.  put aside.
• after beef is tender remove just beef carefully from dutch oven and put it aside.  use a fine sieve to remove all the chunks from the from the beefy sauce and discard.  make sure there's not any precious beef in there or you will be sad.  add the rest of the ingredients to the dutch oven as well as the chunk-free beef sauce and over high heat on the stove reduce sauce down until there's just enough to coat the beef.  stir constantly, or else it will stick to the bottom of the pan.  it will be like a thick syrup when done. taste it.  you might need to add pepper or something.  you probably won't.  serve it over a scoop of "rice"

this recipe was so crazy out of the box for me.  and boyfriend and i *loved* it.  so fantastic.  full of sweet and spicy, creamy flavors and really really really tender.  there is absolutely no way you could possibly tell this was low carb.  

i guess you could call it spaghetti & meatballs. i wouldn't, but you could.

i had a super craving for spaghetti & meatballs, but i discovered one cup of tomatoes has a lot of dang carbs, so i sort of adapted the recipe.  i also couldn't get any grass fed beef, so the meats are strange.  anyway, it was delicious.  so here it is, spaghetti squash with spicy pork&bison meat balls in a gorgonzola-sage cream sauce.  cook time + prep time ~1.5 hr, yields 8 servings, 5.4 net carbs per serving

ingredients:

2 cups heavy cream
0.5 cups gorgonzola cheese - crumbled
0.5 cups parmesan cheese - shredded
1 spaghetti squash
1 lb ground bison (but you can use beef)
1 lb ground spicy italian sausage
1 egg
0.5 cup sliced sage leaves
0.25 cup olive oil

• make the spaghetti squash the way you know best
• preheat oven to 350F
• use your awesome mixer to blend parmesan, meats, egg and olive oil.  form into inch diameter balls and place on an aluminum foil lined cookie sheet.  i didn't add any seasoning, because the sausage is seasoned well enough.
• place meatballs in the oven for ~40 minutes.  toss around after about 20.  they should be crispy on the edges.
• in the last few minutes of cooking the meatballs, pour cream in to pan over medium high heat on the stove.  add sage.  when it begins to bubble add gorgonzola until its completely melted.
• mix sauce well with meatballs and spaghetti squash and serve with fresh cracked pepper

this was so delicious.  i was extra stoked come lunch time to have leftovers.  

this don't taste too good. i'm gonna fry it

i came up with this idea for pumpkin gnocchi and i just knew it was going to be excellent.  i'm such a genius at cooking after all (insert sarcasm here).  i've made gnocchi a few times before and each time its turned out progressively better.  if you're my friend-friend, you were probably around for gnocchi fest 2010, when i made bacon gnocchi with marinara, jalapeno gnocchi with creamy gorgonzola, butternut squash gnocchi with basil pesto.  so with all that ego boosting experience i thought for sure i could make fantastic gnocchi with fake flours.  fail.  
i ended up having to use like six times as much flour as i should have, and the gnocchi were still all weird.  i thought they were the right texture, but i test boiled one, and it was super mushy and falling apart within a minute of being in the water.  i tried to pan fry them in olive oil and butter, but they just all melted into like a big pancake.  so, i decided to deep fry them.  and all was well in the world again.  they weren't then gnocchi, they were like crunchy dough balls that tasted nothing like pumpkin.  whatever, standmixing devirginizing experiences rarely end up as you'd hoped.  cook time plus prep time ~ a million hours, yields eleventy billion servings, not that many carbs per serving even though i had to put all of my remaining almond flour.


ingredients

1 can pumpkin puree
1 egg yolk
0.25 cup shredded grana
no more than 0.25 cup vital wheat gluten
some flaxseed meal
some almond flour -- i say some because you gotta keep adding it in small amounts until the dough is right

• mix all your ingredients in your awesome cuisinart stand mixer (you can see it in the background above)  keep adding flour in small amounts until dough is not dry but doesn't totally stick to your fingers when you touch it
• take a handful of dough and roll it out into a quarter inch in diameter stick.  cut off quarter inch pieces and put aside.
• if you want to, you can shape these with a fork.  you don't have to if you're going to fry them, cause they mostly lose their shape, but  i did.  and it took hours.  see:

• cook them.  i fried in safflower oil over medium high heat and removed when they were browned.  i was pretty grumpy that these didn't turn into my dream gnocchi.  they weren't so bad tho.  i tossed them in my creamy pesto and we still sort of liked them.

enchiladas are definitely one of the six things i miss about texas

i don't know what the deal is here; people only eat burritos and nachos at mexican food restaurants.  when i tell people i'm making enchiladas, and then give them the enchiladas, they're always like, "oh, i didn't realize that was an enchilada."  whatevs.  i love 'em.  and i was working so hard to make these stupid low carb tortillas but the grocery store has them for cheaper + higher fiber + lower carb.  the kind i am using is just under 3 carbs per tortilla, but you might be able to find a better deal.  they are *really* high in fiber tho.  be warned.  so these are spicy beef and chicken enchiladas with creamy cilantro sauce.  cook time + prep time ~ 1 hr, yields ten enchiladas, 1 carb + tortilla carbs (so 4 total carbs for me)

ingredients

3 cups boneless skinless chicken breasts - cubed
1 lb ground beef
3 cups mexican cheese - if there's too much cheddar, you'll have to add some jack or something to it otherwise it'll break
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
3 serrano - thinly sliced
0.25 cup green chili powder
4 tbsp spicy red chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp garlic salt

• preheat oven to 350F
• break up the beef in pan over medium heat.  add chicken, salt, cumin, and chili powders.  cook until chicken is cooked through and beef is well broken up.  taste it.  you might need more salt or more chili.  put aside to cool.  i put mine in the freezer.  i wanted it to be cold enough that it wasn't going to make the cheese melt.  when sufficiently cooled, add two cups of cheese and mix well.  
• evenly divide amongst tortillas and roll them up like tiny burritos.  the internet has everything.  place them in a 9ishx13ish well greased pan.  put pan aside.
• in another stove top pan over medium high heat, heat cream mixed with cilantro.  when it comes to a simmer add cheese in small increments.  remember the lessons i have learned about cheddar.  if there is too much cheddar, the sauce will break when you put it in the oven, so make sure your cheese is more creamy soft cheeses than cheddar.  when sauce is thick and cheesy, pour it all over the enchiladas and put them in the oven for ~20 minutes until bubble and golden in some parts

man o man these were so delicious.  we had leftovers for the next couple days and it was still bombtacular.  these are a total win.  try make them with your own modifications

there's no catchup in this pot roast

so this last week i was sick.  like sleep for thirty out of thirty six hours sick.  this means that i was not all up for bloggin' bout foods.  but i'm mostly better now and here's my ketchup.

i made a pot roast last tuesday on mine and boyfriends meat kick.  i made a reduced mushroom sauce like with that lamb roast that one time.  the only carbs in this come from the stupid mushrooms, which also provide me with vitamin d so i can't be too mad at them.  cook time + prep time: ~4.5 hours, yields like 8 servings, so less than a carb per serving

ingredients:

2 cups pearl onions - peeled
4 cups mushrooms
1 cup celery - chopped
4 cloves garlic - chopped
1 tsp beef base
2 lb boneless pot roast
2 tbsp italian seasoning
2 cup red wine
2 tbsp olive oil

• season the meat with the italian seasoning.  in a heavy bottomed pot (i used my awesome cast iron) brown the meat in the olive oil for about thirty seconds on all sides.  put aside.
• put celery, garlic, and onions in pot to deglaze.  if there's not enough oil, add just a bit of the wine so nothing gets burned.  when a little bit golden, add remainder of ingredients, put the roast back in, and turn the stove about as low as it will go, while still maintaining a simmer.  cook for about 4 hours until beef is fork tender.  remove it from the pot and let it rest
• turn heat up to high and boil off liquid so you have a super yummy mushroom gravy for on top of the beef.

end result:

it was pretty good, and really beefy.  because there was beef in it.  i'm not sure you can tell.

this time, i stuffed it and baked it.

i bought low carb tortillas.  turns out they're lower in carbs and higher in fiber than the stuff i worked so hard to make.  le sigh.  anyway, i call this leftover enchilada surprise!

wrapped up in low carb tortillas, topped with cheese and hot sauce, and threw 'em in the oven at 350F for about 15 minutes.  delicious.

sorta like nachos. except not at all

boyfriend and i have been straight up desperate for red meat lately.  its nuts; we must be iron deficient or something.  we were sitting around this morning and boyfriend was all, "you should make a pot roast."  and i thought oooooooh beeeeeeeff aaaargggghhhhhhhh.  i used to make this shredded beef for tacos some years and years back.  i sort of perfected my process, but its been a long time, like more than five years since i visited the process.  and then when i was like, "how are we going to eat this?"  and i decided that i'd make some sort of tortilla bread type thing and it would be sorta like nachos.  here it is.  cook time + prep time 4.5 hours, yields 12 servings, 4 grams of net carbs per serving (that's all in the tortilla tho)

ingredients (for meat)

5lbs of boneless chuck roast - well marbled & cubed
5oz vinegar based hot sauce
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
3 serrano peppers - sliced
4 cloves garlic - smashed
4 tbsp worcestershire sauce
1 tsp beef base
2 bay leafs
2 tbsp hot chili powder
1 tbsp steak seasoning
1 tbsp ground cuman
1 cup dry white wine

• bust out your super rad cast iron cored dutch oven  put everything except the cilantro in it over low heat on the stove, mix it up as well as you can.  cover it.  after an hour stir it up some.  after another hour, stir it up some.  after another hour take a cooking fork or something not heat sensitive and hard and mash up all the meat until its all shredded.  add the cilantro and cover it back up.  wait another hour, turn up the heat just a tad remove the lid and cook off excess juices.  then its done!

ingredients (tortilla like bread)

1 cup soy flower

1 cup vital wheat gluten

0.5 cup butter - melted

2 tsp baking soda

2 tsp salt

1 egg

0.5 hot water

4 tbsp safflower oil

• mix up dry ingredients.  add melted butter and mix well until the dough is a little crumbly, then add egg.  mix it up and then add water, but not so much that the dough is sticky
• form the dough into golf ball sized spheres.  mash each one on a flat surface with the palm of your hand so it looks like a circle.  roll each circle out until its like an eighth of an inch thick.
• heat oil over medium heat in a medium sized pan.  cook each "tortilla" for ~3 minutes on each side until golden.  place on paper to drain off excess oil

finished product was this:

this was so fracking good, i can't even tell you.  the beef was so juicy and delicious, you wouldn't believe it.  would be fab on sandwich or salad or whatevs.  sucks that it takes so long to make, but sometimes that happens.

i'm not sure... but there's crab in it

i had no idea what i was going to make when i stopped by the market today, but i saw avocados were on sale and then i saw scallops were on sale and i just started buying a bunch of stuff and i didn't really know what i was making until i was done making it but here it is: seafood stuffing?  prep time + cook time: 1hr, yields 4 servings, 2.25 carbs per serving

ingredients:

2 avocados
3 thin slices of that bread we made or 1 cup of low carb breadcrumbs
1.5 tbsp butter
1 egg
1 cup "mexican" cheese - whatever that is
2 cloves of garlic - minced
1 bunch cilantro - finely chopped
8 oz lump crap meat
0.33 lb scallops
0.33 lb jumbo shrimp - peeled and deveined
1 serrano - thinly sliced
salt and pepper

• to make your own breadcrumbs, preheat oven to 350F.  cube your bread really really finely.  like 1/8th inch square max.  spread out cubes over baking sheet and put in oven for 30 minutes.  mix them around like every ten minutes or so and don't let them burn.  put aside in a medium sized mixing bowl.
• cut shrimp and scallops into quarter inch pieces.  heat butter in pan over medium heat, when its melted but not browned, add garlic, shrimp, scallops and crab.  the seafood will be all like "give us some more butter" but don't believe it and just put a lid on it.  it'll all sweat and be moist in like two minutes.  add serrano, cilantro, and salt and pepper to taste.  don't over cook, or your shrimp will be like rubber pellets.  remove from heat and toss with breadcrumbs in that bowl from before. i shoved it in the freezer to cook off a bit
• finely cube your avocados.  this can be done with them in the shell.  the internet can help you with this if you are unfamiliar.  mix in with the seafood mixture.  when your seafood mixture has cooled, like it doesn't need to be cold just not scalding to the touch, add your egg and your cheese and mix it all together well.  at this point i was like, "what in the hell am i doing right now?  should i make like crabbish cake thingies?  should i stuff these into something?" and then i decided to stuff them into these shells we have from the last time we had seafood stuffed shells.  remember that?  way back on the first blog?  yah.

• so i stuffed those shells, but you could use like bell peppers or sole filets or mushrooms or something.  the possibilities are really endless.  then i put them in the oven for about 30 minutes at 350F.  they weren't super golden or anything, but boyfriend was all like, "if you don't let me noms that right now, i'm going to eat leftovers."  he was hungry.  so we ate it.  it looked like this:

we had it with arugula.  we love arugula. anyway, there you have it.  improvised seafood stuffing that is delicious and also not so bad for you on this diet.

adding nuts sometimes makes it creamy

i had a terrible, no good, very bad day.  like hide tears from your coworkers day.  nothing was going my way at all and i needed food to fix this.  so i decided that i had to make curry; curry is one of my favorite things in the whole entire world.  so i made this weird crazy improvised korma that i wanted to serve over cauliflower rice but i didn't have cauliflower, so i mixed it in with spaghetti squash.  its a strange thing all together, i guess, but whatever.  i liked it.  it sorta made me feel better.  cook time + prep time 1hr, yields 10 servings, 5.23 carbs per serving

ingredients

4 tbsp safflower oil
5 oz frying cheese
1 medium spaghetti squash
1 cup heavy cream
2 cups broccoli - chopped
0.5 cup cilantro - chopped
1 can tomato sauce
1 tsp vegetable base
0.25 white onion - chopped
1 serrano pepper - thinly sliced
8 oz mushrooms - quartered
1 cup macadamia nuts
4 cloves garlic - minced
1 tbsp ginger - minced
2.5 tbsp indian curry powder
0.5 tsp cayenne pepper
2.5 cups water
salt

• prepare the spaghetti squash as we did last weekend
• in a large pan, like the largest pan you have, heat 2 tbsp oil over medium heat.  add macadamia nuts.  typically, you make korma with cashews but cashews are high in carbs and in fat, and so i decided to use macadamia nuts which tend to be pretty creamy and are one of the lower carb nuts.  toast nuts until they're sorta golden.  when the nuts start popping, add vegetable base and 1 cup water.  cook water down by half and then put nuts + water in a blender and puree them well.  set aside
• i fried my cheese at this point.  i found this cheese at tjs, and its the most similar cheese i've ever found to paneer in that it doesn't really melt down.  and then one day i decided to fry it, and things were really great.  you can fry yours or you can use paneer or you can use it just like it is or whatever.  i don't care.  once i thought to myself, "mozzarella is like paneer." and so i added mozzarella to my curry.  it melted like instantly, which was awesome because it made the curry super creamy and delicious, but it wasn't paneer.  anyway, here's a picture of my cheese:

• heat remaining oil over medium heat in same big ole' fryin' pan.  cook onions, garlic, pepper, and ginger until onions turn sort of translucent.  add all of seasonings and mix well.  saute over medium heat until aromatic.  its important to fry your curry powder into a paste like thing like this or else it ends up tasting super grainy.  
• add tomato sauce, mix well and heat until it comes to a simmer.  add mushrooms and a half cup of water and cover, allowing mushrooms to sweat and cook down.
• add cream and nut paste and broccoli.  heat to a boil then turn down the heat and let sauce cook for about 15 - 20 minutes until its super thick and curry-like.  you'll know it when you see it.  turn off heat, and stir in cheese and cilantro.  salt to taste.  mix this nom nom sauce in with scraped spaghetti squash.

end result:

it looks like vodka sauce or something, huh?  its not tho.  its super-spicy-crazy-delicious-weird-non-authentic-at-all curry.  you'll like it, i promise.

ps.  i got this amazing awesome gem thanks to my new good friend, stevie-poo.  no more begging for a stand-mixer.  i got the raddest one there ever was.  when it is delivered, i will use it and post pictures.  you'll see.

blah blah blah, soup!

i like soup.  soup tastes good.  we had soup for dinner.  here is my recipe for cream of mushroom soup.  cook time + prep time: 0.75 hours, yields six servings, 4.16 carbs per serving.  this was surprising to me.  i had no idea portobellos were sooo fracking high in carbs.  every website says something different.  it makes me want to cry cause i had seconds before i looked it up and we pretty much have this soup like once a week.  le sigh.

ingredients:

24 oz portobello mushrooms - chopped
3 celery stalk - chopped
0.25 onion - chopped
3 cloves garlic - minced
2 cups cream
1 tsp beef base
0.5 tsp red pepper
1 tsp salt
2 tsp montreal seasoning
2 tsp italian seasoning.
2 tbsp olive oil
2 cup water

• in a large stockpot, over medium heat, cook onion and garlic in olive oil until transparent.  add celery and stir.  add mushrooms to the top, top with all seasonings and cover pot with lid to let mushrooms sweat for about five minutes
• stir mushrooms and add beef base, cream, and water.   stir soup occasionally.  soup is done when broth is thickened to your desired consistency.

see?  super crazy easy and super crazy yum.  but not as low carb as one might hope.  stupid mushrooms and their stupid secrets.

sometimes, they turn into multicultural balls

when i saw that ground lamb was on sale at the market, i knew i was going to make spanish meatballs, because they are delicious.  but i only have Iranian saffron so i was like, "whatever."  but then i was like, "hmm... i'mma season these with Montreal seasoning." then i said, "hmm... i'mma stuff these with Jamaican cheese."  then i thought, "these should be spicy, i'm adding red pepper."  then i was all, "hmm... i'mma deep fry these so they are crispy on the outside."  so yeah, i call these delicious morsels multicultural balls.  cook time + prep time: 1hr, yields 8 balls, 1 carb per ball.

ingredients:

1.5 lbs of ground lamb
0.5 cups sliced then chopped almonds
4 oz cheese - small cubes
1 egg
4 cloves garlic - minced
1 tsp beef base
1 tsp montreal seasoning
1 tsp parsley
1 tsp salt
0.5 tsp crushed red pepper
10 threads of saffron
2 tsp olive oil
0.5 cups safflower oil - not pictured
0.25 cup almond flour

• you might be asking yourself, why is she using 1.5 lbs of meat?  the answer is simple.  i walked in to the kitchen at 7:30am the other day and boyfriend was frying something.  i say "what's that?"  he says, "oh, i'm making a lamb burger for breakfast."  for breakfast!?! and a half pound burger!?! he's crazy.  whatever.
• mix lamb, seasonings, egg, nuts, olive oil & garlic until it's all well mixed.  divide the meat into eights and flatten out each eighth into a patty shape.  in the center of each patty, put an eighth of the cubed cheese.  these cheese is i don't know what kind.  its called no woman no cry, and its marbleized with jerk seasoning.  its really awesome.  i thought the sweetness of it would balance the saffron well, and it did.  i was right.  anyway.... ball up the meat into what one might call a meatball shape.  
• at this point, my plan was that i would bake the balls.  but they were so wet i was like these are gonna lose their shape.  so i decided that i should fry them.  and when i decided to fry them i thought i needed to add some flour to them so they would get crispy on the outside.  so roll the balls through some almond meal until they are well coated.
• heat safflower oil over medium heat in a large pan.  cook all the balls until they are golden throughout.  this requires turning them on all sides (about five times).  this is me frying the balls

• place the balls on a paper bag or something to drain off excess oil.

these balls were super duper awesome.  juicy and flavorful.  we totally loved the heck out of them.  plus, its a meal without heavy cream!  yippee!

we served them with some broccolini.  see:

i sure do wish i had that fancy white smiling glove to give me directions

all my local friends, at some point or another, have had mac n' cheese shoved down their throat by me.  i enjoy making crack n' cheese, and i'm pretty good at it.  i've learned many lessons over the years but for some reason i totally destroyed it this time.  i know that cheeses like cheddar break really easily at high temperatures unless you start with a roux.  i cannot use a roux, and i almost never ever use only cheddar for a mac n' cheese because i like to add something more creamy or exotic but my ego got the best of me.  i thought if i used fancy white cheddars they would behave differently.  they did not :-\  anyway, i call this fancy pants hamburger helper (do you get the white smiling glove thing now?)  ~1.25 hours cook + prep time, yields ten servings ~4 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

1 cup red wine
1 medium spaghetti squash
6 slices bacon
1 lb ground beef
24 oz cheese - grated
2 cups heavy cream
1 tsp montreal steak seasoning
1 tsp beef base
1 tsp garlic salt
1 tsp italian seasoning
1 tsp ancho chili powder
0.5 tsp ground cumin
2 tbsp dehydrated onion
0.5 tsp crushed red pepper

• preheat oven to 350F.
• cut spaghetti squash in half long ways.  this is pretty difficult because as soon as you get one knife in, it'll get stuck.  my strategy is to use two really strong, thickly bladed knives, and keep switching until one gets stuck and i can use the next.  you'll figure it out.  place the two halves of spaghetti squash open side down in a baking dish, add a cup or two of water to the bottom, until there is standing water all over the pan.  cover the pan loosely with aluminum foil and cook in the oven for ~1 hour or until you can stick a knife in it easily.
• cook bacon until extra crispy and set aside to drain off fat.  crumble it up into small pieces.  i have put many things over the top of a mac n' cheese to add texture, from crumbled hot fries, to potato chips, to bread crumbs, to croutons.  i'll use whatever seems like a good idea.  this time around, i'm using bacon to add some crisp to the top of it all.
• brown the ground beef in the bacon fat over medium heat.  keep breaking it up until it's in small pieces.  add all of the dry seasonings.  when the beef is completely cooked, add the beef base and the wine (beef wine again, you know i like it), turn heat up to medium-high and keep cooking until all of the liquid is cooked off.
• when squash is totally cooked, scoop out the seeds and throw away.  with a shallow pronged fork (i use a spork, cause i have one and its cool) gently slide through the squash fibers so that they come out looking like spaghetti.  place these, along with your meat, in a greased baking dish.
• to make your sauce, put cream in heavy bottomed pan over medium high heat.  when cream comes to a soft boil, begin adding your cheese in small increments until it is completely melted.  when sauce is thick and cheesy, add this to spaghetti squash and stir well.  add the crumbled bacon to the top of the mac n' cheese.
• everything is totally cooked, so i throw mine under the broiler for about five minutes until golden on top.

finished product.  once again, beware cheddar with out something else added to the sauce.  it ends up greasy like this cause the cheese breaks.  still delicious tho, just greasy.

i steam a good ham

for your reference, please see this gem.  i found early on this diet that ground beef will satiate many of my crazy carby cravings.  i'm not sure why it does this.  but i'm assuming its because of the mental association of bun with burger.  anyway, boy and i have had a lot of burgers over the last couple months.  they're easy and they're great for the diet.  here i share with you today my process for baked, spicy, cheese stuffed burgers.  cook + prep time: 1h, yields 4 servings, 0.75 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

0.5 cup chunky hot sauce
1 lb lean ground beef
6 oz spicy cheese

• preheat oven to 350F.   i decided to bake burgers to decrease on grease mess.  also, when you're stuffing with cheese, the baking strategy keeps the cheese all in one place rather than leaking all over a frying pan or all over your grill.  baking is low maintenance.
• as you can see, this is a super easy one.  for this i use pepper plant hot sauce, one of the best things ever invented.  i discovered it a few years ago, served on all tables at the Big Sur River Inn.  i highly recommend it for all things needing spice.  because of the nature of this sauce, i add no other seasoning to the meat; the sauce has it all.  anyway, combine hot sauce and beef in a bowl.  you might have to use your hands to do this well
• slice your cheese thinly.  you could also grate it, but i find its easier to handle and makes less of a mess if you leave it in slices, though it melts more evenly grated.  your choice.  i'm using an organic habanero cheddar.  its awesome.
• evenly divide the meat into eight separate parts and flatten each of those eight parts like tortillas.  on four of the pieces, evenly distribute the cheese.  cover each of the four patties with the remaining four patties.  almost like you're making a cheese sandwich, but instead of bread you're using beef!  squish together the sides of the patties so that the cheese can't leak out and smooth out your edges.  the end result will look something like this

• place burgers in the oven for ten minutes.  after ten minutes, increase heat to 450F and flip burgers.
• cook for an additional ten minutes then remove from the oven and let rest for at least three minutes.

when burgers are done they won't be all caramelized nor charbroiled.  they'll look like super moise beef patties which is what they are.  we served our burgers on top of a toasted slice of last weekend's bread with some Trader Joe's frying cheese, and a spinach caesar salad.

this was a super delicious, super easy, super cheap meal.  we hearted it.  

i don't think i'm gonna say that thing about another day on the dang diet anymore.  it's kinda lame.

i didn't even know lambs could survive without bones

when i was at the grocery store last weekend i saw this boneless leg of lamb and i was all like, "boyfriend lets get this! it will be interesting and it has no carbs!"  he says, "yah, of course it has no carbs.  its meat."  and that's how i totally won him over on the lamb.  i decided it would be a perfect opportunity to use my beautiful blue dutch oven and so that's what i did.  cook time + prep time: 2 hours, ~3 servings, 1.4 carbs per serving

ingredients:

1 netted boneless leg of lamb
4 tbsp olive oil
0.25 yellow onion - chopped
6 cloves garlic - minced
2 cups mushrooms - halved
1 tsp beef base
2 cup red wine
0.5 tsp red pepper
1 tsp Italian seasoning
2 tsp rosemary - minced
0.5 thyme

• preheat oven to 425F
• take two of the minced gloves of garlic, the minced rosemary, and 1 tbsp of olive oil and make a paste.  rub your lamb completely all over with this paste.  lightly salt and pepper your lamb on all sides
• put 1 tbsp of oil in your dutch oven over medium-high heat and sear your lamb on all sides.  a lot of people wouldn't sear the meat before roasting it in a dutch oven, but once when i was way too young to receive cooking advice, my dad told me that i should always always always sear my meat before roasting it if i don't want to eat cardboard.  i have a hard time not following established rules.  remove the lamb from heat.
• add remaining tbsp oil to dutch oven along with remainder of garlic and onion.  stirring often, saute until goldeny-translucent (look it up, its a color).  add mushrooms.  i used baby bella tiny little adorable buttons.  i recommend halving them because there is nothing worse than biting into a whole mushroom you think is cooled and it squirted its spores of boiling hot liquid all over your mouth such that you can't taste anything else for the rest of the week.  yah.  so add your mushrooms and stir them around in the dutch oven.  add all of your seasonings and a half tsp of salt.
• saute mushrooms for ~8 minutes until you're willing to sacrifice your tongue to eat just one of them.  add the beef base plus a half cup of wine and deglaze the pan.  add the remainder of the wine and bring it to a boil.  this creates the delicious and coveted beef flavored wine.  its the best wine you'll ever taste.
• place lamb leg back in dutch oven, cover it, and put it in the oven.  cook at 425F for 30 minutes and reduce the temperature to 350F.  cook for ~1 additional hour for medium rare.

• i know it looks delicious at the point when you've removed it from the oven, but you don't know the half of it.  remove roast from the pot and put aside to rest.  put the dutch oven on the stove over high heat, stirring often until mushroom sauce becomes a thick, delicious gravy.  
• when sauce reaches consistency you desire,  remove it from the heat.  cut the netting off of the lamb and cut it into half inch slices.

we served it with baked green beans and it was super delicious and healthy.  that was dinner and we survived another day on this dang diet.