when i heard there would be pizza, i knew i'd be okay

a bunch of my family comes from chicago, but for whatever reason, no one ever told me about deep dish pizza until i was in high school and i went to Star with my brother.  deep dish pizza makes you think you've never had pizza before because its so different and infinitely more delicious.  i miss Paxti's.  so today i was hanging out with my web dev brothas and i was all, "i think imma try to make a low carb deep dish pizza tonight.  but i can't have tomatoes so what should i do?"  we threw around some ideas but i finally decided on a permutation that i had once upon a time of bacon, chicken, mushrooms & spinach in a creamy garlic sauce.  so here it be, cook + prep time ~2hours, yields 12 servings, 5.52 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

2 cups cream
4 cloves garlic - chopped
5 oz parmesan - grated
2 cups mozzarella - grated
4 slices bacon
2 chicken breasts or 3 chicken thighs
1 bag baby spinach - chopped
2 cups mushrooms - sliced
1 tsp crushed red pepper
3 tbsp butter
1 egg
1 tbsp fast acting yeast
1 cup vital wheat gluten
1 cup soy protein
1 tsp garlic salt
3 tsp italian seasoning
1.5 granulated splenda
1 tsp baking powder
0.5 cup water
salt & pepper

• preheat oven to 400F.
• start with the dough.  follow this same recipe but instead of olive oil use butter and only a half cup of water and garlic salt instead of regular salt and add the italian seasoning to it.  thats a lot of ands.  the reason why we use butter is because once i had a pizza that was advertised "butter crust" and it was extra good.  here the butter didn't really seem to make much of a difference so if you want stick with the olive oil.  the italian seasoning with give it italian flavoring.  instead of letting the dough rise two hours, cover it and put it aside for at least a half hour.
• while dough is rising, prepare toppings.  i buy this organic nitrate free bacon that has no carbs in it.  pay attention to bacon labels because there's all sorts of nasty junk added that're bad for your longevity and carb counts.  fry the bacon over medium high heat.  if you don't know how to fry bacon then we can't be friends.  put it on a paper bag or whatever to drain off the grease.  chop it up and put it aside
• salt and pepper your chicken on both sides.  i'm a freak about chicken.  its so full of antibiotics and nastiness, i'll only buy organic.  this was a quick and hasty buying session and i accidentally got thighs instead of breasts.  it all worked tho.  anyway, fry the chicken breasts in the bacon grease.  this makes extra delicious chicken.  also put this chicken on a paper bag to drain off the grease.  then chop it up
• salt and pepper mushrooms and stir around in frying pan with bacon grease.  they'll soak it up almost instantly.  cover the pan with a lid and the mushrooms will sweat a quarter cup or so of liquid.  remove lid and add spinach to the pan.  salt and pepper spinach and stir it through the mushrooms until wilted and bright green.  place spinach and mushrooms aside.
• at this point at least a half hour should have passed and your dough should have risen a little bit.  divide your dough in half and roll each half out to the size of your pizza pans.  i used two nine inch cake pans.  spread your dough through to the edges of your greased pizza pans.  this is a little bit tricky keeping it up on the edges, but keep at it and it'll all work out.  spread one cup of mozzarella over the bottom of each pizza crust and place in the oven for ~10 minutes until cheese is melted like so

• evenly distribute your toppings in the pizzas 
• the sauce is similar to the sauce used in the eggplant, except this time heat the remaining tablespoon of butter in a pan and add garlic.  cook until edges are just a little bit golden and then add cream.  when cream reaches a boil, add all of the parmesan in small increments and keep stirring until all the cheese is melted.  sauce should be pretty thick.  evenly distribute between two pies 
• place pies in the oven.  check at 15 minutes to see if they're golden and bubbly.  keep checking at five minute intervals until they are.  dough will cook really fast and burn if you're not careful with this.  let pizzas sit at least 15 minutes when you get them out of the oven, or else you'll just have pizza soup.

so these guys turned out pretty good.  its not star pizza nor gino's east, but its pretty good for something that has less than six carbs per slice.  i mean, you could have like nine slices of this in a day and nothing else and still be in ketosis.  at least there's *some* pizza right?

i steam a good ham

for your reference, please see this gem.  i found early on this diet that ground beef will satiate many of my crazy carby cravings.  i'm not sure why it does this.  but i'm assuming its because of the mental association of bun with burger.  anyway, boy and i have had a lot of burgers over the last couple months.  they're easy and they're great for the diet.  here i share with you today my process for baked, spicy, cheese stuffed burgers.  cook + prep time: 1h, yields 4 servings, 0.75 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

0.5 cup chunky hot sauce
1 lb lean ground beef
6 oz spicy cheese

• preheat oven to 350F.   i decided to bake burgers to decrease on grease mess.  also, when you're stuffing with cheese, the baking strategy keeps the cheese all in one place rather than leaking all over a frying pan or all over your grill.  baking is low maintenance.
• as you can see, this is a super easy one.  for this i use pepper plant hot sauce, one of the best things ever invented.  i discovered it a few years ago, served on all tables at the Big Sur River Inn.  i highly recommend it for all things needing spice.  because of the nature of this sauce, i add no other seasoning to the meat; the sauce has it all.  anyway, combine hot sauce and beef in a bowl.  you might have to use your hands to do this well
• slice your cheese thinly.  you could also grate it, but i find its easier to handle and makes less of a mess if you leave it in slices, though it melts more evenly grated.  your choice.  i'm using an organic habanero cheddar.  its awesome.
• evenly divide the meat into eight separate parts and flatten each of those eight parts like tortillas.  on four of the pieces, evenly distribute the cheese.  cover each of the four patties with the remaining four patties.  almost like you're making a cheese sandwich, but instead of bread you're using beef!  squish together the sides of the patties so that the cheese can't leak out and smooth out your edges.  the end result will look something like this

• place burgers in the oven for ten minutes.  after ten minutes, increase heat to 450F and flip burgers.
• cook for an additional ten minutes then remove from the oven and let rest for at least three minutes.

when burgers are done they won't be all caramelized nor charbroiled.  they'll look like super moise beef patties which is what they are.  we served our burgers on top of a toasted slice of last weekend's bread with some Trader Joe's frying cheese, and a spinach caesar salad.

this was a super delicious, super easy, super cheap meal.  we hearted it.  

i don't think i'm gonna say that thing about another day on the dang diet anymore.  it's kinda lame.

let's fudge some fudge

i'm on a stupid diet and i can't have the awesome brownies that someone brought into work today and left sitting out on the stupid counter for everyone to enjoy.  and this makes me jealous of everyone going, "nom, nom, nom... these stupid brownies are amazing."  and i was all like, "i could make brownies.  better yet, i'll make all these suckers jealous and make fudge."  i've never made fudge before, but i've known stupid people that make great fudge so there's no way i could screw it up that badly.  so, i compared a bunch of different recipes and came up with this fake pistachio-fudge recipe.  prep time: 30 min, yields 40 pieces, 1.53 net carbs per piece

ingredients:

1 cup granulated splenda
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups cream
0.25 cup salted butter
7 oz unsweetened chocolate
1 cup pistachio butter

• turn your granulated splenda into powdered splenda.  there's all sorts of advice on the internets about how to do this.  i put mine in a blender.  i stirred it around a few times between blending sessions.  its weird, you know.  'cause granulated splenda is already like those styrofoam balls inside of bean bags: super light weight and staticky.  after you've "powdered" it, the splenda becomes this super light weight dust.  it is impossible to open the blender without taking a huge lungful of powdered splenda dust.  i hope i don't die of Mesothelioma or somefin'
• melt the chocolate into the cream.  some peeps use a microwave, but i hate using a microwave for anything.  i also fear scorching/burning by melting directly in a pan.  my solution is the poor man's double boiler.  maybe now that i'm a dink i'll buy an actual one.  

• place one cup of cream, butter, and chocolate in your double boiler for melting  please notice that i'm using 7oz of chocolate here.  you might be asking yourself, "why didn't she just use the full 8oz that come in the box?"  well, that's because one disappeared into boyfriend's stomach.  c'est la vie.  1 oz less can't hurt that bad, can it?
• stir your chocolate/cream mixture frequently and heat thoroughly until it most of chocolate has melted.  add remainder of cream and continue heating until a completely creamy consistency is reached.  remove from heat.
• add nut butter.  any kind of nut butter is super easy to make, and much better for you and cheaper than buying it off of a shelf.  the internets will also help with this.  by my mistake, my pistachio butter, unfortunately, had far too much oil added.  i didn't realize this until after it was added to the hot chocolate mixture and the oil began to separate.  so keep that in mind; you want some oil to make a pretty marbly pattern, but not too much.  mix nut butter in really well.
• add powdered sugar and vanilla and mix well.  taste to be sure its sweet enough for you.  most recipes call for twice as much sugar but this was plenty for my taste, especially with the pistachios.
• line a large (9"x18" ish) pan with aluminum foil or waxed paper and pour the fudge into pan.  spread evenly with a spatula.  place in refrigerator to set

because of my problem with the abundance with oil, after about an hour, i tried to pour off the excess oil and then blotted it off with a paper towel.  let it set completely then cut it into 40, one inch squares and nom the heck out of them because they're delicious^(theMax)

lovely, huh?

i didn't even know lambs could survive without bones

when i was at the grocery store last weekend i saw this boneless leg of lamb and i was all like, "boyfriend lets get this! it will be interesting and it has no carbs!"  he says, "yah, of course it has no carbs.  its meat."  and that's how i totally won him over on the lamb.  i decided it would be a perfect opportunity to use my beautiful blue dutch oven and so that's what i did.  cook time + prep time: 2 hours, ~3 servings, 1.4 carbs per serving

ingredients:

1 netted boneless leg of lamb
4 tbsp olive oil
0.25 yellow onion - chopped
6 cloves garlic - minced
2 cups mushrooms - halved
1 tsp beef base
2 cup red wine
0.5 tsp red pepper
1 tsp Italian seasoning
2 tsp rosemary - minced
0.5 thyme

• preheat oven to 425F
• take two of the minced gloves of garlic, the minced rosemary, and 1 tbsp of olive oil and make a paste.  rub your lamb completely all over with this paste.  lightly salt and pepper your lamb on all sides
• put 1 tbsp of oil in your dutch oven over medium-high heat and sear your lamb on all sides.  a lot of people wouldn't sear the meat before roasting it in a dutch oven, but once when i was way too young to receive cooking advice, my dad told me that i should always always always sear my meat before roasting it if i don't want to eat cardboard.  i have a hard time not following established rules.  remove the lamb from heat.
• add remaining tbsp oil to dutch oven along with remainder of garlic and onion.  stirring often, saute until goldeny-translucent (look it up, its a color).  add mushrooms.  i used baby bella tiny little adorable buttons.  i recommend halving them because there is nothing worse than biting into a whole mushroom you think is cooled and it squirted its spores of boiling hot liquid all over your mouth such that you can't taste anything else for the rest of the week.  yah.  so add your mushrooms and stir them around in the dutch oven.  add all of your seasonings and a half tsp of salt.
• saute mushrooms for ~8 minutes until you're willing to sacrifice your tongue to eat just one of them.  add the beef base plus a half cup of wine and deglaze the pan.  add the remainder of the wine and bring it to a boil.  this creates the delicious and coveted beef flavored wine.  its the best wine you'll ever taste.
• place lamb leg back in dutch oven, cover it, and put it in the oven.  cook at 425F for 30 minutes and reduce the temperature to 350F.  cook for ~1 additional hour for medium rare.

• i know it looks delicious at the point when you've removed it from the oven, but you don't know the half of it.  remove roast from the pot and put aside to rest.  put the dutch oven on the stove over high heat, stirring often until mushroom sauce becomes a thick, delicious gravy.  
• when sauce reaches consistency you desire,  remove it from the heat.  cut the netting off of the lamb and cut it into half inch slices.

we served it with baked green beans and it was super delicious and healthy.  that was dinner and we survived another day on this dang diet.

what to do with a plant made of eggs

i love eggplant.  i know that i'm somewhat of a minority in this, but i love it anyway.  so when i venture through the produce section i always pick some up, even if i have no idea what i'm going to do with it.  when i first started this diet, back in december, i said to myself, "self, what are we going to do with this eggplant?"  and i decided that if i sliced it really thinly, maybe i could use it like the pasta in a lasagna.  that recipe has evolved a bit to become more of a casserole, but here it is, eggplant, italian sausage and Alfredo hot dish.  yields eight servings, cook time + prep time ~1 hour, ~3.46 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

2 cups cream
2 lbs hot Italian sausage
6oz spinach, coarsely chopped
0.75 yellow onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 tbsp olive oil
4 oz parmesan cheese, grated
4 oz asiago cheese, grated
1 tsp Italian seasoning
1 tsp garlic salt
0.5 tsp black pepper
0.5 tsp red pepper
0.5 tsp beef base
~1 lb eggplant
0.25 cup water

• optional: evidently the skin of the eggplant adds extra carbs to this recipe.  it also adds vitamins and minerals so i leave it in, but you may remove the skin if you choose.
• in a large frying pan, over medium temperature, heat 1tbsp of olive oil and add garlic and onion.  cook until translucent.  add Italian sausage and break it up into small pieces.  add beef base and water and mix well.  top with spinach, salt, peppers, and Italian seasoning.  cover pan with lid and let stew for ~5 minutes.
• remove lid from pan and turn heat to high.  stir well and cook until the moisture is cooked off.
• slice the eggplant into thin slices, i'm talking 2 - 3mm slices.  i had to use these Japanese eggplant because the store was all out of the big ones, which is exciting, 'cause i've never used them before.  set aside.
• begin Alfredo by putting 2 cups of cream in a heavy bottomed pan over medium heat.  when this begins to bubble, add 1/4 of your cheese mixture and mix in well until completely melted.  repeat with cheese 2 more times, setting aside 1/4 of your cheese to put on top of casserole.  set aside cream sauce.
• preheat oven to 350F.  cover the bottom of like a 9"x13" well greased baking dish with 0.33 of the eggplant slices.  top with half of the sausage mixture.  add the second 0.33 of the eggplant slices and top with the remaining sausage mixture.  finish with the remaining eggplant slices and cover with all of the cream sauce.  smooth out the top of the casserole so there's no pieces that will dry out.  top with the remaining cheese and throw that puppy in the oven for ~20-30 minutes until bubbly and nom nom nom.  i have a gas oven and i like it a little browned on top so i put it under the broiler for about 2 minutes.

that's all she wrote.  it turns out consistently yummy and lovely.  casseroles get a bad name 'cause of canned soup and frozen veggies, but this one's alright, i promise.

so that was dinner, and i survived another day on this dang diet

if at first you don't succeed, just stuff it with cheese and fry it

used some of last night's bread and this awesome habanero cheese to make grilled cheese for lunch.  they turned out amazing sauce.  but maybe that's because i'm grilled cheese deprived.  served with spinach/arugula tossed in blue cheese/bacon dressing.

cinnamon is a synonym for nooooooooom

when boy and i moved in together we had to consolidate our spices and come up with a good storage plan for what ended up being boxes and boxes of spices.  what was the most weird about this, was that between us, we had six(!) receptacles full of different types of cinnamon.  i have actually never made anything with cinnamon and he couldn't remember ever using it either so this was strange.  last night whilst making bread,  i said to myself, "self, this seems like cinnamon roll dough."  then ding! ding! ding! i finally came up with a way to use a measly two teaspoons of it.  so here is a low carb cinnamon roll with butter cream icing recipe.  yields ~18 rolls, 1.5 hours prep + cook time, ~4.06 net carbs per roll.

ingredients:

(please excuse my poor droid quality photos.  i left my camera in a rental car some months back, but if you know me, you know i like gifts)

1 cup almond meal/flour
1 cup hazelnut meal/flour
1 cup vital wheat gluten
1 cup heavy cream
1 tbsp active dry yeast
1 tsp baking powder
0.5 cup raw pecans
0.5 tsp salt
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp cardamom
0.125 tsp ground cloves
0.125 tsp ground nutmeg
1 cup butter
1 egg
0.25 cup hot water
0.75 cup + 2 tsp granulated Splenda

• in a small pot heat .75 cup of the heavy cream to a light boil.  some may scoff at heavy cream, but cream is substantially lower in sugar and thus carbs than regular milk.  when the cream starts bubbling, remove it from the heat and add .25 cup of butter to it and stir it around until its all melted
• in a large bowl, mix 3 types of flour, yeast, baking powder, salt, and 0.25 cup Splenda.  add milk/butter mixture, water, & egg and mix together really well.  i had to do this with a fork, once again, because i'm still missing that Kitchenaid stand mixer (please note how lovely the cinnamon colored one is)  if your dough is too wet, add a sprinkle of more of one of your flours, but this is a greasy wet dough so don't dry it out too much.  
• take dough from bowl and knead it out on a dry surface for 2-4 minutes, then place your dough back in a bowl, cover it and let it rest for at least ten minutes.  this will make your hands super greasy and nasty.  sometimes my favorite part of cooking is washing my hands because i'm a little bit crazy.  i used to always have this issue where i would wash my hands but they would still smell like garlic or whatever and then i bought this soap:

omg its so amazing.  you'll totally thank me.

• whilst your dough is "resting", make the cinnamon spread for the inside.  chop up pecans and add to 0.25 cup of melted butter and all of your spices + the 2 tsp of Splenda.  mix all this junk together really well.  the reason why i used all those different spices is because traditional cinnamon rolls use a paste with a brown sugar base and i was trying to recreate that consistency without adding unnecessary carbs.  set aside
• i also used this time to make the butter cream.  combine 0.5 cup butter (left at room temperature for a long while, this will make it much easier to use) 0.5 cup Splenda and mix until a bit fluffy.  add remaining 0.25 cup cream and mix it all together.  keep mixing it for a while, once again helped by the stand mixer that i don't have.  if its too wet, pour off excess cream.  boy likes to put this in his coffee.  set aside
• my dough had "rested" for ~20 minutes at this point, but frankly it didn't look any different from before.  whatever.  preheat oven to 375F and roll out the dough into a rectangle ~ 12"x18".  you don't need any flour for this because the dough is so buttery.  spread your pecan/cinnamon past all over your rectangle of dough.  make sure to reach the edges, or your edge rolls will suck.  
• now roll your dough up hotdog style so that its tight and sticks together.  cut one inch slices from the roll until you've cut the whole roll which should be ~18" long.  I used a muffin tin for baking my cinnamon rolls because i knew they wouldn't expand much without real flour and i like the crispy part of baked goods best.  place in the oven for ~30 minutes, but check them after 20 to make sure they're okay.  some peeps may like 'em softer, some crispier.  you decide.
• promptly top each cinnamon roll with a spoonful of your butter cream icing and spread it around.  the icing will melt super quickly since its made out of butter.  i only used about a third of all of the butter cream, but some people like a lot of it, so the carb count reflects that.  i'll prolly just put the rest of mine in the freezer and use it on something else.

look how perfectly adorably delicious these noms are!  now you can eat them.  nom nom nom nom nom...