almost cheating with strawberry shortcake

bf and i were going to make angel food cake again for this weeks dessert but have you seen the strawberries everywhere?! california has its faults, but being on a hundred mile diet here is incredibly easy.  i love fresh organic amazing produce all of the time.  so it turns out strawberries only have 5 net carbs in a cup which really isn't all that bad.  so i got to thinking about this strawberry shortcake my great grandma would make when i was a little kid.  she didn't make her own shortcake, she bought these mini cakes from the store and just made her own strawberries and cream but i thought i'd one up her so she knows i'm awesome (she's dead).  so here it is, cook time + prep time ~ some amount of time, yields 12 servings, 5.9 carbs per serving

ingredients:

4 cups strawberries - thinly sliced
0.5 cup granulated splenda
1 cup heavy cream
3 cup hazelnut flour
4 tsp baking powder
0.5 tsp cream of tartar
1 egg
1 cup cold butter - sticks quartered then thinly sliced

• make your strawberries first.  put the sliced berries and a quarter cup of the splenda in a bowl with a lid and shake 'em up real well.  then put them to the side and let them make delicious strawberry gravy.  i can't believe this worked.  i thought splenda would for sure let me down here but it didn't.  it kicked fracking ass.
• preheat oven to 350 and lightly grease a muffin tin with at least 12 muffin little indented thingamobbers.
• in your bad ass stand mixer, combine dry ingredients.  then over medium speed add butter small bits at a time.  you're really supposed to be "cutting" in some butter.  but i don't really know if i have the patience for all that, so i just threw it in the mixer.  it worked well, and the butter ended up little pearls in the mix and i feel like it worked just fine.  
• add two-thirds cup cream and egg to the dough, and after it is all well blended, evenly distribute between your twelve little muffin guys.  not the paper muffins, but the metal holders.  why don't you understand what i'm trying to tell you?
• cool for about twenty minutes or until golden on the edges.  let sit for at least an hour.  the longer they sit the easier it will be to handle them to get them out of the muffin guys.
• whip up the remaining cream however you like and serve one cake with a third of a cup of the strawberry junk with a tablespoon of whipped cream.

viola!

they call it pot roast, but i don't feel high at all

i'm supposed to be avoiding animal proteins because of my dang ole kidneys but i felt like i would die if i didn't have beef, so i decided to make pot roast.  also, i'm trying to perfect these mashed "potatoes" and this time i tried with jalapenos and cheddar.  everything turned out great.  cook time + prep time 3hrs, yields six servings, 3.56 net carbs per serving.

ingredients:

8 cups beef broth
2 cups red wine
2 lb beef - cubed chuck stew meat
0.5 yellow onion - chopped
1 tbsp garlic - minced
0.6 cup heavy cream
1 portobello mushroom - thinly sliced
2 tbsp worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp oregano
2 tbsp italian seasoning
1 tbsp crushed red pepper
1 tbsp safflower oil
1 stick of salted butter at room temp
1 head cauliflower - chopped
1 cup cheddar cheese - shredded
1 cup pickled jalapenos - strained

• in heavy bottomed stock pot or your totally awesome dutch oven, cook garlic and onion over medium-high heat in safflower oil until translucent.  add mushrooms, beef, all seasonings, worcestershire sauce and stir well.  add broth and red wine, cover and cook for ~2.5 hours.  when the meat is fork tender and the broth has cooked down, add a third of a cup of heavy cream to beef to make a delicious gravy.
• meanwhile make your mashed potatoes.  follow these same instructions, but when you put it all in the food processor/blender, also add the cheddar and jalapenos.  serve hot, with a bit of beef over some potatoes!

the beef was crazy tender and creamy and the "potatoes" were just a hint of spicy and super creamy and cheesy.  its like you wouldn't know that it was jalapeno cheddar unless someone told you.

****i just realized i already have a pot roast post.  this one's better, i promise.****

i'll take the $100 curried fish chowder please

so, since barbados, i've been combining cajun and curry.  they inspired me and its been pretty good.  i've always loved curry, and so every time i've made a curry, i've been seasoning the meat or whatever with different sorts of cajun blends and its worked out pretty radly.  so i went on a tangent yesterday.  i had this idea of shell fish and seafood curried/cajun chowder and went on a shopping spree.  and i was really surprised when i checked out that i had just spent almost a hundred dollars on seafood chowder.  i mean, its gonna feed us for a while, since i made enough to feed an army, but still... anyway, here it is, seafood chowder.  cook time + prep time ~1hr, yields 10 servings, 2.9 carbs per serving

ingredients:

0.5 yellow onion - chopped
1 red bell pepper - finely chopped
2 spicy cajun sausages - well chopped
3 tbsp salted butter
6 cups seafood stock
2 cups heavy cream
2 cups coconut milk - or that stuff i use which is awesomer
1 tbsp ground cumin
2 tbsp yellow curry powder
2 tbsp red curry powder
1 tbsp cayenne pepper
1 tbsp paprika
cajun seasoning for coating fish before cooking
1 cup lump crab meat
4 tilapia filets - chopped
0.25 lb scallops
0.5 lb clams - scrubbed well
0.5 lb mussels - scrubbed well and debearded
0.25 lb jumbo shrimp, peeled and cleaned

• melt butter over medium heat in a large heavy bottomed stock pot.  add onions and sausage and pepper and saute until onion becomes transparant.  add all seasonings and mix well.  heat until seasoning because super aromatic and you're choking on the spice.
• add all your liquids to the pot and turn the heat up to high.  taste your broth and modify the flavors if need be.  we found the stock had enough salt that we needed none.  bring broth to a boil and let it cook down for approximately a half hour.
• add seasoned fish, scallops, shrimp, and crab as well shell fish.  heat until the clams have opened up wide, about 10 minutes.  don't over cook or the shrimp will be super yuck.

in hindsight i wish i would have cooked the broth down a bit more so it was thicker and garnished with some chopped cilantro.  we didn't care tho, it was late on a saturday and it was the most delicious seafood soup i've ever had in my whole life.  worth a hundred bucks?  i don't know...

snapper chu chee - i have no idea what i'm doing

so last week at work i got this fancy idea in my head that i wanted to make a low carb version of a thai dish i really wanted to eat but couldn't because of the stupid dang ole stupid carbs.  so this is fried snapper with a spicy red curry on top.  cook time + prep time ~1.5hr, makes four servings,  ~5.1 net carbs per serving

ingredients:

4 snapper filets - seasoned
2 cup coconut milk, or 2 cup chicken broth and this dried creamed coconut stuff
1 portobello mushroom cap - thinly sliced
1 jalapeno - thinly sliced
5 oz macadamia nuts - ground well
2 tbsp heavy cream
2 eggs
3 tbsp red curry paste
safflower oil for frying

• beat eggs and cream together.  dredge fish in egg then lightly coat in macadamia nuts.  in a large pan over medium high heat fry each fish filet in safflower oil.  be careful, cause its not super well coated, and snapper can fall apart easily.  let the grease dry off on a paper bag or something.  i put mine in the oven at 200 degrees to keep warm while i worked on the sauce.
• in a medium sized sauce pan over medium heat, smash up curry paste in 0.25 cup of coconut milk.  once disolved, and simmering a bit, add mushrooms and jalapenos and stir well.  add remainder of liquid and boil until cooked down to half its original volume.  i guess you could use this time to fry the fish, but i really didn't know what i was doing at the time.  turned out alright tho.

serve a bit of the fish with a bit of the sauce on top.  we served ours on green beans.  it was quite spicy and quite good.

i sometimes think quiche is just a fancy way to say "scramble"

this morning bf was like, "make me breakfast" and i was like le sigh. so i decided to make him breakfast for the entire week.  low carb mini quiches.  cook time + prep time 45minutes, yields 12 servings, 1 carb per quiche.

ingredients:

1 cup heavy cream
8 eggs
1 cup cheese - grated (whatever kind you want, i used gruyere and pesto jack)
0.5lb breakfast sausage - cooked and sliced
0.5lb bacon - cooked and chopped

• preheat oven to 350 and grease a muffin pan with twelve little muffin openings
• scramble eggs in cream until slightly frothy
• evenly distribute meat on the bottom of muffin openings.  then cheese.  then poor egg mixture over the top of each quiche.  i used a measuring cup and just poured a little into each cup until it was all evenly distributed.
• pop the pan in the oven and cook about 20 minutes, or until a bit golden on top.

loaf of meat > loaf of bread

my pal steve and i were waiting in line at mixd greens last week and noticed they had meat loaf on the menu.  and i was all "i'mma make that." and so i did, today.  low carb meat loaf with mock mashed potatoes and mushroom cream gravy.  cook time plus prep time ~1.5 hr, yields 10 servings, 3 net carbs per serving.

ingredients:

loaf:
1lb ground chuck
1lb ground pork
1lb ground sirloin
0.5 cup grated parmesan
2tbsp dehydrated onion
1tbsp dehydrated garlic
1tsp salt
1tbsp crushed red pepper
1tbsp italian seasoning
1 egg
"potatoes":
1 head cauliflower
1 stick of butter at room temperature
0.25 cup heavy cream
gravy:
1 box mushroom broth
1 portobello mushroom cap - chopped
0.75 cup heavy cream

• for meat, preheat oven 350
• mix together all meat ingredients then place in greased 10inch loaf pan
• cook in oven for an hour to 1.25 hours when internal temp has reached 150 and top bit of loaf is golden and awesome
• for "potatoes", chop cauliflower well and boil until soft.  place butter, cream, and drained cauliflower in food processor or blender or whatever and puree until smooth creamy consistency is reached.  they should be sort of thin at this point, if they're not and you're happy with them, then eat them.  if not, as i was not, put them in a large pan over medium heat and stir frequently until they've thickened up a good bit.  add salt and pepper to taste.
• for gravy, bring mushroom broth to a boil with mushrooms over high heat.  reduce broth to a quarter of its original volume then add cream and cook until sorta thickish and delicious.

throw it all on a plate and viola.  there's meat loaf dinner.  i started the meat in the oven then started the cauliflower and the gravy at the same time.  but cook time is all sort of up to you.

crispy chocolate cookies - you know, for putting caramel on

at that store where we got the caramel and chocolate calorie free toppings, they also had marshmallow and i decided that i wanted to make some sort of s'mores, even tho i actually hate marshmallow.  so i actually wasn't that sad when bf returned from the market without the marshmallow and just smothered one of these crispy cookies with caramel.  if you've been on this diet long enough, you realize crispy things are few and far between, so these might become one of my very favorite things in the whole world.  cook time + prep time ~1.25 hours, yields 18 cookies, about one carb per cookie

ingredients:

4 tbsp cream
2 oz unsweetened chocolate - broken up
1 large egg
.5 cup almond flour
.5 cup hazelnut flour
1 tsp baking powder
.125 tsp cream of tartar
pinch salt
1 tsp vanilla
4 tbsp butter
.5 cup granulated splenda

• melt chocolate into cream over double boiler, stirring often.
• remove chocolate from heat and stir in butter.  stir in sugar.  stir in vanilla.  stir in egg, mixing constantly.
• in a separate bowl combine flours, baking powder, cream of tartar, and salt.  slowly mix into the chocolate.
• at this point the mix will be super super greasy.  at least mine was.  i lined a bowl with parchment paper, put my chocolate mixture in that and threw it in the freezer for about 15 minutes until the dough became easy to handle.
• preheat oven to 400.  remove dough from freezer once everything is solidified and work it a little bit to incorporate all the butter.  if its still too soft to work with, just put it back int he freezer for a bit.
• on an aluminum foil lined cookie sheet place small rounds of cookies.  i suppose i could have rolled it out and used a cookie cutter or something.  i probably should have because i have these awesome star shaped ones my friend shandy got me once, but i didn't.  i just made a ball and then flattened the ball out on the cookie sheet.
• cook for 10 minutes.  when you take them out of the oven there will seem to be a pool of butter.  worry not.  all of this will magically disappear within a minute.  the cookies drink butter.  and before you can even get a picture of all the excess butter it will look like this:

the cookies are done when they're a bit firm to the touch.  don't over cook them or they will taste like burning.

i covered mine with caramel because no calorie caramel is my new favorite thing in the whole world.  i'm thinking about stocking up big time before they take if off the shelf because it causes cancer or something.