google translate tried to teach me to say it

so i'm making some kind of asian inspired braised short ribs.  my short ribs, however, are boneless because i don't eat meat on the bone.  ever.  ask anyone.  i had to make a lot of strange substitutions for what would usually be in the braising juices and sauces, but whatevs. i did it.  so here's my recipe for braised short ribs over rice.  yields 6 servings, cook time + prep time ~3.5 hours, ~2.4 carbs per serving

ingredients

1 head cauliflower - shredded with a cheese grater
4 tbsp almond butter
1 can sugar free orange soda
10 tbsp chili puree
2 lb sliced boneless short ribs
1 tsp beef base
5 cloves garlic - 3 chopped, 2 minced
1 tbsp splenda brown sugar blend
2 cup low sodium soy sauce
0.75 cup rice wine vinegar - sugar free and low sodium
2 inches peeled sliced ginger
2 cups water
0.25 cups sesame oil
one bundle green onions, sliced
4 thin stalks lemon grass crushed and broken into large pieces
2 tbsp butter

• preheat oven to 350F.
• mix 4 tbsp chili, 1.5 cup soy sauce, 3 cloves of garlic, ginger, lemongrass, 1.5 cups soda, the white part of the sliced onions, 0.5 cup vinegar, 2 tbsp brown sugar, beef base in dutch oven.  add beef.  top with water until beef is covered.  put lid on dutch oven and put it in the oven for ~2.5 - 3 hours until beef is hella tender.  yah i said it.  hella.  i'm using orange soda here.  i don't know.  i needed some citrus and i was walking up and down the drink isle and yah.  i chose orange soda.  
• while the beef is cooking you can make the "rice."  cauliflower rice is super easy.  grated with a cheese grater it sort of looks like rice.  in a medium sized pan over medium, heat butter and add cauliflower.  stir it frequently until it starts to get a bit golden and is soft enough that you want it eat it.  put aside.
• after beef is tender remove just beef carefully from dutch oven and put it aside.  use a fine sieve to remove all the chunks from the from the beefy sauce and discard.  make sure there's not any precious beef in there or you will be sad.  add the rest of the ingredients to the dutch oven as well as the chunk-free beef sauce and over high heat on the stove reduce sauce down until there's just enough to coat the beef.  stir constantly, or else it will stick to the bottom of the pan.  it will be like a thick syrup when done. taste it.  you might need to add pepper or something.  you probably won't.  serve it over a scoop of "rice"

this recipe was so crazy out of the box for me.  and boyfriend and i *loved* it.  so fantastic.  full of sweet and spicy, creamy flavors and really really really tender.  there is absolutely no way you could possibly tell this was low carb.  

i guess you could call it spaghetti & meatballs. i wouldn't, but you could.

i had a super craving for spaghetti & meatballs, but i discovered one cup of tomatoes has a lot of dang carbs, so i sort of adapted the recipe.  i also couldn't get any grass fed beef, so the meats are strange.  anyway, it was delicious.  so here it is, spaghetti squash with spicy pork&bison meat balls in a gorgonzola-sage cream sauce.  cook time + prep time ~1.5 hr, yields 8 servings, 5.4 net carbs per serving

ingredients:

2 cups heavy cream
0.5 cups gorgonzola cheese - crumbled
0.5 cups parmesan cheese - shredded
1 spaghetti squash
1 lb ground bison (but you can use beef)
1 lb ground spicy italian sausage
1 egg
0.5 cup sliced sage leaves
0.25 cup olive oil

• make the spaghetti squash the way you know best
• preheat oven to 350F
• use your awesome mixer to blend parmesan, meats, egg and olive oil.  form into inch diameter balls and place on an aluminum foil lined cookie sheet.  i didn't add any seasoning, because the sausage is seasoned well enough.
• place meatballs in the oven for ~40 minutes.  toss around after about 20.  they should be crispy on the edges.
• in the last few minutes of cooking the meatballs, pour cream in to pan over medium high heat on the stove.  add sage.  when it begins to bubble add gorgonzola until its completely melted.
• mix sauce well with meatballs and spaghetti squash and serve with fresh cracked pepper

this was so delicious.  i was extra stoked come lunch time to have leftovers.  

this don't taste too good. i'm gonna fry it

i came up with this idea for pumpkin gnocchi and i just knew it was going to be excellent.  i'm such a genius at cooking after all (insert sarcasm here).  i've made gnocchi a few times before and each time its turned out progressively better.  if you're my friend-friend, you were probably around for gnocchi fest 2010, when i made bacon gnocchi with marinara, jalapeno gnocchi with creamy gorgonzola, butternut squash gnocchi with basil pesto.  so with all that ego boosting experience i thought for sure i could make fantastic gnocchi with fake flours.  fail.  
i ended up having to use like six times as much flour as i should have, and the gnocchi were still all weird.  i thought they were the right texture, but i test boiled one, and it was super mushy and falling apart within a minute of being in the water.  i tried to pan fry them in olive oil and butter, but they just all melted into like a big pancake.  so, i decided to deep fry them.  and all was well in the world again.  they weren't then gnocchi, they were like crunchy dough balls that tasted nothing like pumpkin.  whatever, standmixing devirginizing experiences rarely end up as you'd hoped.  cook time plus prep time ~ a million hours, yields eleventy billion servings, not that many carbs per serving even though i had to put all of my remaining almond flour.


ingredients

1 can pumpkin puree
1 egg yolk
0.25 cup shredded grana
no more than 0.25 cup vital wheat gluten
some flaxseed meal
some almond flour -- i say some because you gotta keep adding it in small amounts until the dough is right

• mix all your ingredients in your awesome cuisinart stand mixer (you can see it in the background above)  keep adding flour in small amounts until dough is not dry but doesn't totally stick to your fingers when you touch it
• take a handful of dough and roll it out into a quarter inch in diameter stick.  cut off quarter inch pieces and put aside.
• if you want to, you can shape these with a fork.  you don't have to if you're going to fry them, cause they mostly lose their shape, but  i did.  and it took hours.  see:

• cook them.  i fried in safflower oil over medium high heat and removed when they were browned.  i was pretty grumpy that these didn't turn into my dream gnocchi.  they weren't so bad tho.  i tossed them in my creamy pesto and we still sort of liked them.

let them eat cake!

i passed by a bar on my way home and there was a guy sitting buy the window drinking a porter and i literally drooled.  i miss porter.  all those times i was bein' mean to my guts, i wish i would have taken better advantage of porter.  le sigh.  anyway, here's a recipe for chocolate cake that i totally improvised.  it turned out pretty good actually.  cook time + prep time ~1hr, yields 12 servings, 3.92 carbs per serving

ingredients:

1 cup coconut flour
1 cup hazelnut flour
1 cup almond flour
1 cup granulated splenda
1 tsp baking powder
5 eggs
0.5 cup cocoa powder
2 tbsp vanilla syrup
0.5 cup butter (i used clarified, as you can see) - melted
1 cup diet soda
1 box sugar free butterscotch pudding
2 cup cold heavy cream

• preheat oven to 350F
• when i made this cake on sunday, i hadn't gotten my cuisinart mixer yet.  i had to do everything by hand.  it was horrible.  i'm glad i'll never have to do that again.  anyway, mix flours, splenda, baking powder and cocoa powder.  add eggs, vanilla syrup and melted butter.  at this point i was going to add water to moisten the dough but i read somewhere someone using soda instead of water in some cake, so i added diet root beer, see

• yah so mix it all real well, and put it in a 9inch well greased baking pan.  
• bake for ~20 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.  don't over cook tho. cool. (the cake, cool the cake)
• i wanted to make like a carmel topping for the cake but i couldn't figure out how to make that with the ingredients in my fridge, so i thought i'd do something with this butterscotch pudding i sort of bought on whim.  it said on the box that it had to be mixed with cold milk, so i used cold cream, then i thought i'd heat it with some butter and make something, i don't know.  but as i started whipping the pudding with the cream it got super thick, like a buttercream icing and i was like, "woah, this is super fracking awesome."  and so i iced the cake with it and it was delicious.

it was kinda dense, like brownies.  but nom.  enjoy!

do you ever contemplate stealing other peoples' garlic fries?

boyfriend and i went to go see sucker punch, which is totally awesome, btw, i don't care what all those haters say, and there must have been a garlic fries festival happening downtown or something because it smelled *delicious*.  i was jealous of those fries i could smell and not see and then it came to me.  i could turn those two crazy pumpkin looking thingies on top of my fridge into weird fries!  and i did!  those weird things are called kabocha squash.  i looked them up on my telephone-internet-doo-dad, and found out they have ~6.5g carbs per cup.  i don't know if this is net carbs or total carbs, but i was like whatevs, that's better than regular pumkin and spaghetti squash either way so i'm gettin' it.  i had no idea why, maybe i was on a shoppers high.  they've been sitting on top of the fridge for just over a week now, and i'd been hoping they'd inspire me into something magical, and then there were fries.  so here they are.  i don't know how many carbs.

ingredients

some punkin' squashy type doo dads
olive oil
seasonings (see below)

• preheat oven to 350F
• peel squash.  this sucks, i hurt my fingers.  gut those squash by scoopin out all their seed innards.  cut squash into slices 1/8 - 1/4 inch thick, about 3 inches long.
• toss two cups of sliced squash with two tablespoons of olive oil and your seasoning choices.  i made four different kinds

curry spice:

• 2 tsp curry powder
• 0.5 tsp garlic salt
• 0.5 tsp cayenne pepper

garlic!:

• 5 cloves of garlic minced
• 1 tsp parsley
• 1 tsp garlic salt

cajun:

• 2 tsp cajun seasoning (this one is really complicated)

italian:

• 1 tsp italian seasoning
• 1 tsp garlic salt
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 2 tsp dried onion

• after tossed, placed fries on parchment lined cookie sheet and place in the oven
• stir them around after about 15 minutes and turn heat up to 400.  remove from the oven when some of the edges have become golden.  but be careful!  they burn fast, see:

those are the curry and garlic ones.  they were still super delicious.

and there are the cajun and italians.  we went crazy for these dang fake fries.  its actually the first time that i've ever made baked fries and they turned out crispy and delicious.  i think it must have been the parchment paper, which i've never used before.  anyway, well worth hoarding those squashy doo dads

enchiladas are definitely one of the six things i miss about texas

i don't know what the deal is here; people only eat burritos and nachos at mexican food restaurants.  when i tell people i'm making enchiladas, and then give them the enchiladas, they're always like, "oh, i didn't realize that was an enchilada."  whatevs.  i love 'em.  and i was working so hard to make these stupid low carb tortillas but the grocery store has them for cheaper + higher fiber + lower carb.  the kind i am using is just under 3 carbs per tortilla, but you might be able to find a better deal.  they are *really* high in fiber tho.  be warned.  so these are spicy beef and chicken enchiladas with creamy cilantro sauce.  cook time + prep time ~ 1 hr, yields ten enchiladas, 1 carb + tortilla carbs (so 4 total carbs for me)

ingredients

3 cups boneless skinless chicken breasts - cubed
1 lb ground beef
3 cups mexican cheese - if there's too much cheddar, you'll have to add some jack or something to it otherwise it'll break
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
3 serrano - thinly sliced
0.25 cup green chili powder
4 tbsp spicy red chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp garlic salt

• preheat oven to 350F
• break up the beef in pan over medium heat.  add chicken, salt, cumin, and chili powders.  cook until chicken is cooked through and beef is well broken up.  taste it.  you might need more salt or more chili.  put aside to cool.  i put mine in the freezer.  i wanted it to be cold enough that it wasn't going to make the cheese melt.  when sufficiently cooled, add two cups of cheese and mix well.  
• evenly divide amongst tortillas and roll them up like tiny burritos.  the internet has everything.  place them in a 9ishx13ish well greased pan.  put pan aside.
• in another stove top pan over medium high heat, heat cream mixed with cilantro.  when it comes to a simmer add cheese in small increments.  remember the lessons i have learned about cheddar.  if there is too much cheddar, the sauce will break when you put it in the oven, so make sure your cheese is more creamy soft cheeses than cheddar.  when sauce is thick and cheesy, pour it all over the enchiladas and put them in the oven for ~20 minutes until bubble and golden in some parts

man o man these were so delicious.  we had leftovers for the next couple days and it was still bombtacular.  these are a total win.  try make them with your own modifications

there's no catchup in this pot roast

so this last week i was sick.  like sleep for thirty out of thirty six hours sick.  this means that i was not all up for bloggin' bout foods.  but i'm mostly better now and here's my ketchup.

i made a pot roast last tuesday on mine and boyfriends meat kick.  i made a reduced mushroom sauce like with that lamb roast that one time.  the only carbs in this come from the stupid mushrooms, which also provide me with vitamin d so i can't be too mad at them.  cook time + prep time: ~4.5 hours, yields like 8 servings, so less than a carb per serving

ingredients:

2 cups pearl onions - peeled
4 cups mushrooms
1 cup celery - chopped
4 cloves garlic - chopped
1 tsp beef base
2 lb boneless pot roast
2 tbsp italian seasoning
2 cup red wine
2 tbsp olive oil

• season the meat with the italian seasoning.  in a heavy bottomed pot (i used my awesome cast iron) brown the meat in the olive oil for about thirty seconds on all sides.  put aside.
• put celery, garlic, and onions in pot to deglaze.  if there's not enough oil, add just a bit of the wine so nothing gets burned.  when a little bit golden, add remainder of ingredients, put the roast back in, and turn the stove about as low as it will go, while still maintaining a simmer.  cook for about 4 hours until beef is fork tender.  remove it from the pot and let it rest
• turn heat up to high and boil off liquid so you have a super yummy mushroom gravy for on top of the beef.

end result:

it was pretty good, and really beefy.  because there was beef in it.  i'm not sure you can tell.

its green and creamy and delicious.

i make a good pesto.  ask anyone, my pesto is bomb-tacular.  its probably all the cheese and the dash of cream i add.  i once went to this restaurant and the pesto was a bit creamy and since then i've always added a little bit of cream to mine and its always been well received.  i thought i would make this pesto later in the week for some delicious something or another or whatever, but the basil leaves that i bought yesterday are already weeping so i decided i'd make it today.  cook time + prep time: 5min, a million servings like five total carbs or something, i don't know

ingredients:

2 cups fresh basil leaves
1.5 cups grated fresh parmesan (not the dry stuff in the shaker PLEASE)
0.5 cups pine nuts
a ton of garlic like 6 cloves, peeled
1.5 cups light flavor olive oil
0.25 cup heavy cream
1 tsp salt
0.5 tsp crushed red pepper

• toast your pine nuts.  i do this sometimes in the oven at 350F with some non stick cooking spray and toss em around until they're a bit golden, but i was too lazy to turn on the oven so i did it in a pan over the stove at about medium heat following the same sort of rules
• put everything but the pine nuts in a blender and mix it all well.  i use light flavor olive oil because sometimes i find with pesto especially if its heated, extra virgin tastes a bit strong.  mix in the pine nuts with a spoon and serve.  i'll prolly toss it with spaghetti squash and chicken breasts or something.

**warning** extremely high carb pictures ahead

i was clearing out my cell phone camera, and i found this bunch of pictures that i took at my friend kk's birthday party that i hosted.  i made some appetizers of which I ATE NONE AT ALL.  i don't even know if they tasted good.  'cept they were all gone.  i'm pretty sure they were good.

prosciutto, pear and brie bites

deep fried spicy cilantro mac n' cheese balls

meat balls stuffed with cheese.  i can't remember the other details

mushrooms stuffed with spicy italian sausage

not actually edible, so technically low carb

cheese caked bottomed (with graham cracker crust) homemade spice cake topped with spiced buttercream birthday cupcakes! yay!

this time, i stuffed it and baked it.

i bought low carb tortillas.  turns out they're lower in carbs and higher in fiber than the stuff i worked so hard to make.  le sigh.  anyway, i call this leftover enchilada surprise!

wrapped up in low carb tortillas, topped with cheese and hot sauce, and threw 'em in the oven at 350F for about 15 minutes.  delicious.

i'm pretty sure angels aren't bakers

i wanted to make some sort of nom nom trifle because i wanted to.  i figured that angel food cake might be easy to turn into a low carb recipe because its mostly egg whites.  so i attempted to make one.  i figured granulated splenda was even lighter than regular sugar so it wouldn't make the eggs collapse.  i do know that almond and hazelnut meal are heavier than normal flour but i thought i'd be okay.
my stupid angel food cake collapsed.  i think its because boyfriend poked it too hard.  anyway, here's the recipe.  cook time + prep time: 1 hour, yields 12 servings, 1 net carb per serving

ingredients

0.5 cup almond flour
0.5 cup hazelnut flour
1.5 cup egg whites
1.5 tsp cream of tartar
1.5 tsp vanilla
1 tsp almond extract
1.5 cup granulated splenda ground up so that its powdered
1 cup granulated splenda regularish

• preheat oven 350F.
• mix flours and powdered splenda very well.  set aside
• whip extracts and tartar into egg whites.  then start whipping your stupid egg whites like a mad person.  i think i would have had more success if i had received my dang Cuisinart stand mixer that still hasn't even shipped yet!  instead, i employed the help of my my boyfriends superior mixing skills.  add the splenda in quarter cup increments and mix until its dissolvedish.  then start whipping it really fast until firm peaks form.  firm peaks, the internet taught me, is when it makes a peak that doesn't droop.  don't over whip though, because something happens to the eggs and they turn into something lame.
• fold in the flour mixture, small parts at a time, very carefully so that the eggs don't fall.
• very carefully spoon whole mixture into ungreased pan.  i think you're supposed to use some sort of bundt pan, but i just used this new loaf pan i bought for making bread.
• cook in oven for ~40 minutes or until it springs back when you touch it.  but don't touch it unless you think its done, because if you poke it too hard you'll break it and then it'll be all flat.
• i read a recipe that said to turn the pan over immediately when it comes out of the oven then leave the pan on until its cool to the touch, then remove the whole shebang from the pan.  so this is what i did.  thats when i realized the cake had fallen.  didn't matter though.  was still totally rad sauce delicious.  so crazy delicious.

boyfriend made some whipped cream and we topped it with some lower carbed berries and it was quite nice.

sorta like nachos. except not at all

boyfriend and i have been straight up desperate for red meat lately.  its nuts; we must be iron deficient or something.  we were sitting around this morning and boyfriend was all, "you should make a pot roast."  and i thought oooooooh beeeeeeeff aaaargggghhhhhhhh.  i used to make this shredded beef for tacos some years and years back.  i sort of perfected my process, but its been a long time, like more than five years since i visited the process.  and then when i was like, "how are we going to eat this?"  and i decided that i'd make some sort of tortilla bread type thing and it would be sorta like nachos.  here it is.  cook time + prep time 4.5 hours, yields 12 servings, 4 grams of net carbs per serving (that's all in the tortilla tho)

ingredients (for meat)

5lbs of boneless chuck roast - well marbled & cubed
5oz vinegar based hot sauce
1 bunch cilantro - chopped
3 serrano peppers - sliced
4 cloves garlic - smashed
4 tbsp worcestershire sauce
1 tsp beef base
2 bay leafs
2 tbsp hot chili powder
1 tbsp steak seasoning
1 tbsp ground cuman
1 cup dry white wine

• bust out your super rad cast iron cored dutch oven  put everything except the cilantro in it over low heat on the stove, mix it up as well as you can.  cover it.  after an hour stir it up some.  after another hour, stir it up some.  after another hour take a cooking fork or something not heat sensitive and hard and mash up all the meat until its all shredded.  add the cilantro and cover it back up.  wait another hour, turn up the heat just a tad remove the lid and cook off excess juices.  then its done!

ingredients (tortilla like bread)

1 cup soy flower

1 cup vital wheat gluten

0.5 cup butter - melted

2 tsp baking soda

2 tsp salt

1 egg

0.5 hot water

4 tbsp safflower oil

• mix up dry ingredients.  add melted butter and mix well until the dough is a little crumbly, then add egg.  mix it up and then add water, but not so much that the dough is sticky
• form the dough into golf ball sized spheres.  mash each one on a flat surface with the palm of your hand so it looks like a circle.  roll each circle out until its like an eighth of an inch thick.
• heat oil over medium heat in a medium sized pan.  cook each "tortilla" for ~3 minutes on each side until golden.  place on paper to drain off excess oil

finished product was this:

this was so fracking good, i can't even tell you.  the beef was so juicy and delicious, you wouldn't believe it.  would be fab on sandwich or salad or whatevs.  sucks that it takes so long to make, but sometimes that happens.

the french do amazing things with stale bread

i made my man french toast with the low carb bread.  you can do it too.

please take note of our new fancy fine china.  we're like totally grown ups now.

i'm not sure... but there's crab in it

i had no idea what i was going to make when i stopped by the market today, but i saw avocados were on sale and then i saw scallops were on sale and i just started buying a bunch of stuff and i didn't really know what i was making until i was done making it but here it is: seafood stuffing?  prep time + cook time: 1hr, yields 4 servings, 2.25 carbs per serving

ingredients:

2 avocados
3 thin slices of that bread we made or 1 cup of low carb breadcrumbs
1.5 tbsp butter
1 egg
1 cup "mexican" cheese - whatever that is
2 cloves of garlic - minced
1 bunch cilantro - finely chopped
8 oz lump crap meat
0.33 lb scallops
0.33 lb jumbo shrimp - peeled and deveined
1 serrano - thinly sliced
salt and pepper

• to make your own breadcrumbs, preheat oven to 350F.  cube your bread really really finely.  like 1/8th inch square max.  spread out cubes over baking sheet and put in oven for 30 minutes.  mix them around like every ten minutes or so and don't let them burn.  put aside in a medium sized mixing bowl.
• cut shrimp and scallops into quarter inch pieces.  heat butter in pan over medium heat, when its melted but not browned, add garlic, shrimp, scallops and crab.  the seafood will be all like "give us some more butter" but don't believe it and just put a lid on it.  it'll all sweat and be moist in like two minutes.  add serrano, cilantro, and salt and pepper to taste.  don't over cook, or your shrimp will be like rubber pellets.  remove from heat and toss with breadcrumbs in that bowl from before. i shoved it in the freezer to cook off a bit
• finely cube your avocados.  this can be done with them in the shell.  the internet can help you with this if you are unfamiliar.  mix in with the seafood mixture.  when your seafood mixture has cooled, like it doesn't need to be cold just not scalding to the touch, add your egg and your cheese and mix it all together well.  at this point i was like, "what in the hell am i doing right now?  should i make like crabbish cake thingies?  should i stuff these into something?" and then i decided to stuff them into these shells we have from the last time we had seafood stuffed shells.  remember that?  way back on the first blog?  yah.

• so i stuffed those shells, but you could use like bell peppers or sole filets or mushrooms or something.  the possibilities are really endless.  then i put them in the oven for about 30 minutes at 350F.  they weren't super golden or anything, but boyfriend was all like, "if you don't let me noms that right now, i'm going to eat leftovers."  he was hungry.  so we ate it.  it looked like this:

we had it with arugula.  we love arugula. anyway, there you have it.  improvised seafood stuffing that is delicious and also not so bad for you on this diet.

adding nuts sometimes makes it creamy

i had a terrible, no good, very bad day.  like hide tears from your coworkers day.  nothing was going my way at all and i needed food to fix this.  so i decided that i had to make curry; curry is one of my favorite things in the whole entire world.  so i made this weird crazy improvised korma that i wanted to serve over cauliflower rice but i didn't have cauliflower, so i mixed it in with spaghetti squash.  its a strange thing all together, i guess, but whatever.  i liked it.  it sorta made me feel better.  cook time + prep time 1hr, yields 10 servings, 5.23 carbs per serving

ingredients

4 tbsp safflower oil
5 oz frying cheese
1 medium spaghetti squash
1 cup heavy cream
2 cups broccoli - chopped
0.5 cup cilantro - chopped
1 can tomato sauce
1 tsp vegetable base
0.25 white onion - chopped
1 serrano pepper - thinly sliced
8 oz mushrooms - quartered
1 cup macadamia nuts
4 cloves garlic - minced
1 tbsp ginger - minced
2.5 tbsp indian curry powder
0.5 tsp cayenne pepper
2.5 cups water
salt

• prepare the spaghetti squash as we did last weekend
• in a large pan, like the largest pan you have, heat 2 tbsp oil over medium heat.  add macadamia nuts.  typically, you make korma with cashews but cashews are high in carbs and in fat, and so i decided to use macadamia nuts which tend to be pretty creamy and are one of the lower carb nuts.  toast nuts until they're sorta golden.  when the nuts start popping, add vegetable base and 1 cup water.  cook water down by half and then put nuts + water in a blender and puree them well.  set aside
• i fried my cheese at this point.  i found this cheese at tjs, and its the most similar cheese i've ever found to paneer in that it doesn't really melt down.  and then one day i decided to fry it, and things were really great.  you can fry yours or you can use paneer or you can use it just like it is or whatever.  i don't care.  once i thought to myself, "mozzarella is like paneer." and so i added mozzarella to my curry.  it melted like instantly, which was awesome because it made the curry super creamy and delicious, but it wasn't paneer.  anyway, here's a picture of my cheese:

• heat remaining oil over medium heat in same big ole' fryin' pan.  cook onions, garlic, pepper, and ginger until onions turn sort of translucent.  add all of seasonings and mix well.  saute over medium heat until aromatic.  its important to fry your curry powder into a paste like thing like this or else it ends up tasting super grainy.  
• add tomato sauce, mix well and heat until it comes to a simmer.  add mushrooms and a half cup of water and cover, allowing mushrooms to sweat and cook down.
• add cream and nut paste and broccoli.  heat to a boil then turn down the heat and let sauce cook for about 15 - 20 minutes until its super thick and curry-like.  you'll know it when you see it.  turn off heat, and stir in cheese and cilantro.  salt to taste.  mix this nom nom sauce in with scraped spaghetti squash.

end result:

it looks like vodka sauce or something, huh?  its not tho.  its super-spicy-crazy-delicious-weird-non-authentic-at-all curry.  you'll like it, i promise.

ps.  i got this amazing awesome gem thanks to my new good friend, stevie-poo.  no more begging for a stand-mixer.  i got the raddest one there ever was.  when it is delivered, i will use it and post pictures.  you'll see.

tear me a sue.

people be goin crazy for those almond cookie balls i made last night.  boyfriend was all, "these remind me of some fancy italian cookie."  and italian cookies made me think about lady fingers which of course made me think of tiramisu, so i made it.  its quite about different than any normal recipe, but its still pretty fly.  prep time + sit time: 4 hours (most of that is just sitting in the fridge time) yields 8 servings, 5.37 carbs per serving.

ingredients

1 cup almond flour
1 cup hazelnut flour
5 tbsp butter - melted
18 packets splenda
1.25 cups granulated splenda
1 tsp almond extract
1.5 tsp vanilla extract
1 egg + 6 egg yolks
1 lb mascarpone cheese
0.25 cup strong coffee
2 tbsp rum
2 cup cream
1 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder

• follow last night's recipe for almond cookies, but i used just 5 tbsp of butter this time cause last night was a little greasy.  instead of balling dough, lay out flatly onto a cookie sheet about a quarter of an inch thick and cook at 350F for about 10 minutes or until dry and sticking together.  you can totally do this ahead of time or whatever.
• to make the custardy part mix egg yolks and splenda packets together super duper well in a heavy bottomed sauce pot.  add 2/3 cup of cream and put over medium heat.  stir constantly, seriously, never ever ever stop, constantly scraping the sides.  i did this with a spatula in one hand and a whisk in the other.  keep stirring until it starts to boil then remove from heat.  i then transported to a pyrex bowl that had a lid and put it into the fridge for about an fifteen minutes.  add mascarpone  cheese and mix really well.  put yolk misture back in the fridge for about an hour.  thats when i made the cookies.
• to make whipped cream, whisk remaining vanilla and remaining cream until it becomes a solid.  this is where that stupid kitchen aid mixer comes in handy.  but i don't have it.  put aside.
• mix together rum and coffee for putting on top of cookies
• when cookies have cooled, cut sheet into four rectangular pieces that you'll use for layering.
• once all your layering ingredients are all solid like, in a dish that will hold it all together, place one piece of your cookie.  top with a quarter of coffee mixture.  top with a quarter of the custard mixture, then a quarter of the whipped cream.  keep doing this until all ingredients are used then sprinkle with the cocoa powder.  

i tried to start this on a place but it got all droopy so i put it in this tupperware that is super unattractive but the perfect size for my tiramisu.  you then have to put it in the fridge for at least three hours for it to totally totally totally set.  this is important or it won't be pretty.  which is hard cause at this point you've prolly licked the custard and stuff and you want it real bad.  well, suck it up!

i don't have a finished photo because i'm sucking it up.  i'll add it in the morn.

now its morning.

blah blah blah, soup!

i like soup.  soup tastes good.  we had soup for dinner.  here is my recipe for cream of mushroom soup.  cook time + prep time: 0.75 hours, yields six servings, 4.16 carbs per serving.  this was surprising to me.  i had no idea portobellos were sooo fracking high in carbs.  every website says something different.  it makes me want to cry cause i had seconds before i looked it up and we pretty much have this soup like once a week.  le sigh.

ingredients:

24 oz portobello mushrooms - chopped
3 celery stalk - chopped
0.25 onion - chopped
3 cloves garlic - minced
2 cups cream
1 tsp beef base
0.5 tsp red pepper
1 tsp salt
2 tsp montreal seasoning
2 tsp italian seasoning.
2 tbsp olive oil
2 cup water

• in a large stockpot, over medium heat, cook onion and garlic in olive oil until transparent.  add celery and stir.  add mushrooms to the top, top with all seasonings and cover pot with lid to let mushrooms sweat for about five minutes
• stir mushrooms and add beef base, cream, and water.   stir soup occasionally.  soup is done when broth is thickened to your desired consistency.

see?  super crazy easy and super crazy yum.  but not as low carb as one might hope.  stupid mushrooms and their stupid secrets.

peaceful cookie balls

today has really been all about improvisational ball cooking.

so boyfriend enters the living room, where i am sitting and exclaims, "i want some chocolate cookies!"  then he began repairing the bookshelf that collapsed and i decided that i should make him cookies since he was doing chores.  so i pulled some ingredients from around the kitchen and this is what i came up with: black and white almond cookie balls. prep + cook time: 30 minutes, yields 9 white cookies & 9 black cookies, ~1.22 carbs per cookie

ingredients:

1 cup almond flour
1 cup hazelnut flour
1 tsp almond extract
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 egg
6 tbsp melted butter
1 tbsp sugar free cocoa powder
1.25 cup + 1 tbsp granulated splenda

• preheat oven to 350F
• mix together flours and 1.25 cups of the splenda.  add butter, egg, and extracts and mix well until very oily dough forms
• form dough into balls ~ 1 inch in diameter and place on cookie sheet about an inch apart, though this doesn't really matter because they don't do anything like rise or spread or whatever.
• place balls in oven for ~6 minutes
• while balls are cooking, mix together cocoa and remaining splenda
• after the six minutes have passed, remove balls from the oven.  roll the tops of nine of the balls in the cocoa powder mixture and put back on the cookie sheet
• place balls back into the oven for four minutes, then turn heat up to 400F.  cook for another 4 minutes then remove from the oven.  cookies should have a sort of crisp outer shell but super soft core

these black and white cookies will make the world a better place.

sometimes, they turn into multicultural balls

when i saw that ground lamb was on sale at the market, i knew i was going to make spanish meatballs, because they are delicious.  but i only have Iranian saffron so i was like, "whatever."  but then i was like, "hmm... i'mma season these with Montreal seasoning." then i said, "hmm... i'mma stuff these with Jamaican cheese."  then i thought, "these should be spicy, i'm adding red pepper."  then i was all, "hmm... i'mma deep fry these so they are crispy on the outside."  so yeah, i call these delicious morsels multicultural balls.  cook time + prep time: 1hr, yields 8 balls, 1 carb per ball.

ingredients:

1.5 lbs of ground lamb
0.5 cups sliced then chopped almonds
4 oz cheese - small cubes
1 egg
4 cloves garlic - minced
1 tsp beef base
1 tsp montreal seasoning
1 tsp parsley
1 tsp salt
0.5 tsp crushed red pepper
10 threads of saffron
2 tsp olive oil
0.5 cups safflower oil - not pictured
0.25 cup almond flour

• you might be asking yourself, why is she using 1.5 lbs of meat?  the answer is simple.  i walked in to the kitchen at 7:30am the other day and boyfriend was frying something.  i say "what's that?"  he says, "oh, i'm making a lamb burger for breakfast."  for breakfast!?! and a half pound burger!?! he's crazy.  whatever.
• mix lamb, seasonings, egg, nuts, olive oil & garlic until it's all well mixed.  divide the meat into eights and flatten out each eighth into a patty shape.  in the center of each patty, put an eighth of the cubed cheese.  these cheese is i don't know what kind.  its called no woman no cry, and its marbleized with jerk seasoning.  its really awesome.  i thought the sweetness of it would balance the saffron well, and it did.  i was right.  anyway.... ball up the meat into what one might call a meatball shape.  
• at this point, my plan was that i would bake the balls.  but they were so wet i was like these are gonna lose their shape.  so i decided that i should fry them.  and when i decided to fry them i thought i needed to add some flour to them so they would get crispy on the outside.  so roll the balls through some almond meal until they are well coated.
• heat safflower oil over medium heat in a large pan.  cook all the balls until they are golden throughout.  this requires turning them on all sides (about five times).  this is me frying the balls

• place the balls on a paper bag or something to drain off excess oil.

these balls were super duper awesome.  juicy and flavorful.  we totally loved the heck out of them.  plus, its a meal without heavy cream!  yippee!

we served them with some broccolini.  see:

i sure do wish i had that fancy white smiling glove to give me directions

all my local friends, at some point or another, have had mac n' cheese shoved down their throat by me.  i enjoy making crack n' cheese, and i'm pretty good at it.  i've learned many lessons over the years but for some reason i totally destroyed it this time.  i know that cheeses like cheddar break really easily at high temperatures unless you start with a roux.  i cannot use a roux, and i almost never ever use only cheddar for a mac n' cheese because i like to add something more creamy or exotic but my ego got the best of me.  i thought if i used fancy white cheddars they would behave differently.  they did not :-\  anyway, i call this fancy pants hamburger helper (do you get the white smiling glove thing now?)  ~1.25 hours cook + prep time, yields ten servings ~4 carbs per serving.

ingredients:

1 cup red wine
1 medium spaghetti squash
6 slices bacon
1 lb ground beef
24 oz cheese - grated
2 cups heavy cream
1 tsp montreal steak seasoning
1 tsp beef base
1 tsp garlic salt
1 tsp italian seasoning
1 tsp ancho chili powder
0.5 tsp ground cumin
2 tbsp dehydrated onion
0.5 tsp crushed red pepper

• preheat oven to 350F.
• cut spaghetti squash in half long ways.  this is pretty difficult because as soon as you get one knife in, it'll get stuck.  my strategy is to use two really strong, thickly bladed knives, and keep switching until one gets stuck and i can use the next.  you'll figure it out.  place the two halves of spaghetti squash open side down in a baking dish, add a cup or two of water to the bottom, until there is standing water all over the pan.  cover the pan loosely with aluminum foil and cook in the oven for ~1 hour or until you can stick a knife in it easily.
• cook bacon until extra crispy and set aside to drain off fat.  crumble it up into small pieces.  i have put many things over the top of a mac n' cheese to add texture, from crumbled hot fries, to potato chips, to bread crumbs, to croutons.  i'll use whatever seems like a good idea.  this time around, i'm using bacon to add some crisp to the top of it all.
• brown the ground beef in the bacon fat over medium heat.  keep breaking it up until it's in small pieces.  add all of the dry seasonings.  when the beef is completely cooked, add the beef base and the wine (beef wine again, you know i like it), turn heat up to medium-high and keep cooking until all of the liquid is cooked off.
• when squash is totally cooked, scoop out the seeds and throw away.  with a shallow pronged fork (i use a spork, cause i have one and its cool) gently slide through the squash fibers so that they come out looking like spaghetti.  place these, along with your meat, in a greased baking dish.
• to make your sauce, put cream in heavy bottomed pan over medium high heat.  when cream comes to a soft boil, begin adding your cheese in small increments until it is completely melted.  when sauce is thick and cheesy, add this to spaghetti squash and stir well.  add the crumbled bacon to the top of the mac n' cheese.
• everything is totally cooked, so i throw mine under the broiler for about five minutes until golden on top.

finished product.  once again, beware cheddar with out something else added to the sauce.  it ends up greasy like this cause the cheese breaks.  still delicious tho, just greasy.